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5/2/2008 Why So Serious?As you can tell, my high falutin' plans of the post-o-rama have fallen by the wayside. Yes, I am still alive. Yes, in fact, I am prospering like the aging stripper who'll give you a little handy under the table with your lapdance to keep things competitive with the youngsters. There have been some ups and downs, my friends. Over the past four months I've (in no particular order--I've jumbled them to keep you on your toes--and some already covered):
You may or may not get your questioned answered in the near future. Bwahahaha. 2/24/2008 I'll Drink Your Milkshake.Holy crap, I'm tired.
I thought I'd have more time to update this pathetic blog, but I haven't. I've been working my big, fat ass off.
My new job is outstanding, but a lot of work. I've been in San Antonio for the past 12 days! I worked 105 hours this past week! We finished up "early" tonight and I was back at the hotel at 6pm after "only" 11 hours today.
Fuck me sideways. I haven't even been able to watch TV, although I did break down and buy lost from iTunes last week (and I may grab this one's tonight since the oscars kind of blow.
I'll be on my way home tomorrow and rubbing one out in my own house for the first time in almost two weeks. Yipee!
Thankfully, it hasn't been all chris-fist-fest. I had super-groovy fuck making last night, all right? America is great!
My brain is dead, but my bank account is fucking PHAT, beeyotch. Heelllloooo new air conditioner for the house!
Marissa: I've only watched ONE Big Brother so far. I will be catching up on TiVo this week!
I give you my word that I will try to update more. Sometime. Soon?
Must sleep. 1/4/2008 "Freshly Douched Pork Chop"This is my last day in my "old" office. I've been finished with my work for hours and I'm now just killing time.
This: http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000058.php made me shoot Diet Dr. Pepper from my nose. 12/21/2007 So this is Christmas??This fucking holiday has snuck up on us this year. Most of the time, Laurie and the kids have a week off before the holiday. Due to this new TX school year consolidation, it's trashed that whole thing. They don't get out until today, with Xmas being Monday. I'm done with all of MY shopping, hehe, seeing how I only bought for Laurie. We weren't supposed to buy anything for each other due to the trip (of which, pics can be seen here) (oh, and it was the schizzle for sizzle), but I bought her an Ipod Nano. The Nano isn't good enough for ME, however her miniscule music collection will be dwarfed by the 8 gig flash drive, natch.
Since I last graced you with my volumnious presence, I have been promoted to a new job that starts on 01/07/08. Since I'm off work all of next week, I basically just have three more work days until the new gig starts. I'll be moving to the downtown Dallas Regional Office doing facilities management (basically working with builders/vendors for new office construction, ordering equipment/phones/computers for other offices, etc). I'll be doing a lot of travel, so expect that I'll be posting more whilst out on the road (in between visits to homeclips.com and redtube.com, of course---electronic poon comes first--). And to top it off, it's a fairly substantial raise (right at $10K a year, beeyotch). W00T.
Well, I'm off to Chloe's Christmas party at school and then back to work. I'm going to happy hour tonight with a few co-workers for my goodbye celebration. Merry Christmas to all. 11/30/2007 Where Do We Go From Here Word up. How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine was suck ass, at best. Decent food, shitty company, shitty time. Most Thanksgivings are languid affairs that involve eating lethal amounts of food, dozing fitfully while the Cowboy's game is playing, then topping off the distended belly with even MORE food, then a race home to be the first one to get to the bathroom. This year, we spent a total of two hours over at my sister-in-law's house. She's now "dating" her high school sweetheart again, now that she's dropped over 150lbs and another 230lbs of dolt (my ex-brother in law). Things have been weird between her and everyone now that "she's always up Patrick's ass", as so eloquently put by my crazy as fuck mother in law. Right now, I'm just chilling at my desk sippin' on gin and juice (I'm laid back, but I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind). Actually it's not gin and juice, but gin and tonic with a splash of lime. Good shit. Nice and strong like a college fullback, but goes down easy like the slutty cheerleader that's fucking and sucking her way through the third string defensive lineup. I've spent the last week doing my civic duty as a juror (make sure you pronounce it correctly--jur-RAWR, like Puerto Rican tiger that is roaring). Five fucking days listening to testimony about a real estate deal. However, I've got to say it was pretty interesting and thankfully the time went by pretty quickly. But, I'm going to be SOOOO fucked when I get back to work. I haven't been to work since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I'm going to have so much crap piled up that I'll need a plunger to make my way to my desk. I'm also getting really stoked about my upcoming extended weekend trip to Winter Park Colorado. We're splitting on 12/13 and coming back on the 17th, unfortunately we're driving. We're staying at the YMCA Snow Mountain Resort, which although it sounds like a dump from the name, is apparently a really nice, 5200 acre ranch. We're getting a kick ass deal (two nights at the lodge, five meals, and all the activities for only $160) and then we're adding another night outside of the family weekend special (another $100). We've never taken a winter vacation, so we're pretty excited. If things work out well, we may take a week (or more) next Christmas and get a cabin. I don't have much to add. I'm still a fat mother fucker (literally, but not my own). I'm now totally off the demon-bred meds that help me gain 50+ pounds, but I haven't made much effort get my weight down. Stupid food...why must you tempt me so? I'm considering relaunching my ill fated "punishment diet". Do you think tasing my balls would be a good deterrent to the succulent Spinach and Bacon soufflés at Panera? Mmmm, Panera. 11/9/2007 Four Times As Long As SexI've got twelve minutes to kill, so why not use them to write some incredible drivel?
I've been sick most of the week with either food poisoning or a virus or somesuch. Although it was pretty sweet spending my birthday in bed watching TV and catching up with Smodcasts on my new Ipod (yay birthdays!) (again, if you like what I write, this is a podcast you must listen to), I'd have rather been healthy enough to also have spent the day getting fucking smashed on whisky sours and Tom Collins.
Last weekend, Laurie threw me a surprise birthday party. I've known about the party for a few weeks, but played along as if I didn't. Even if I DIDN'T know, I would have figured it out that day. Hmmm, Nichole's new boyfriend inviting me to see a movie? Oh, a half-off margarita machine because Jaime (a friend who is a caterer) had a party fall through?
It rocked, however. I racked up on gift cards (both Best Buy and Barnes & Noble), got the Ipod that Nichole has owed me for building the website that got her a promotion at work. I got sensationally fucked up. TGWSNTMAW was coming to the party (damn snoopy wife got her number out of my cell phone), but she got lost on the way to my house. Probably a good thing too. I told her that if Laurie ever saw her, I'd never get to hang out with her EVER. Laurie asked me what she looks like and I was all "Ah, she's all right.", which she said meant that she was hot (um, yep).
Anyway, I got interrupted mid post by the security guard bitching about his wife. You only got half my attention (man, even more like sex).
Adios, putas.
11/1/2007 Gimme MoreTime sure flies when you're a miserable SOB, doesn't it? I can't believe it's been over a month since my last update. I guess I'm just out of shit to say. How many times can I write "I'm so fat. I can't stop eating. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Internet lesbian pussy?"
Apparently HUNDREDS of times, bitches. That's my bread and butter. (mmm, bread and butter)
I'll try my best to avoid bullet points, heavy indents, parenthetical asides (yeah, like that's going to happen), and other such nonesuch in this entry, but I'm a bit rusty (like a trombone, perhaps?) See, I told warned you about those dirty little parenthetical asides. They creep up on you like that sneaky little Vietnamese dude that lives next door to your crazy Uncle Chuck, you know, the uncle that has flashbacks whenever he goes to the mailbox and sees Pho Duc Nguyen through the picket fence that he jokingly calls the DMZ.
I can't even really remember the last time I had an update that filled you (that's the royal "you") in on what's going on in the flab of flesh otherwise known as "Chris". Plenty of TV posts; some quick drive-by type updates, but nothing substantial.
Christ, it's hard not busting out the bullet points for rest of this.
Over the past few months I've discovered that I'm in need of some serious fucking therapy. Or it's quite possible that how I've been feeling is a side affect of not blogging (which has been self-reflective and pretty therapeutic in the past). I just feel…blah. There are moments when I get excited about things (like the spur of the moment purchase of a strobe light & fog machine and constructing a fog chiller for my front porch the day before Halloween or my marathon reading sessions), but for the most part, I'm just coasting along through the day wishing I were either asleep or alone. Instead, I still go to sleep late, wake up early, and spend the day doing a job I'm bored with and then go home and spend time with my family. Sigh.
We've had a busy summer/autumn. A vacation to Florida in June, a couple of trips to LA (Louisiana, not LaLa Land), and camping. I've got lots of pics posted to Flickr, but haven't been motivated enough to spend time annotating them.
I've also been reading way too much lately, much to the dismay of my TiVO. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing papoo, paPOO, PAPOO (damn, aural humor is so tough to pull off with text).
That's all for now. I'll try to post more this weekend. 9/17/2007 An honest to goodness post? No TV (well, maybe a little)? STILL using the stupid numeric bullet points?Yup...ain't you lucky, bitches?
1) Let's get the TV shit out of the way. I wanted the new Bionic Woman on a sneak preview/on demand thing. Niiiccceee. The new Jamie Sommers is certainly as hot as the original. Add Katie Sackhoff to the mix (my delicious little Starbuck) and it's a boner-riffic good show. It's even science fiction-y, too. Kudos too the quick cameo by Boomer...fuck, when's Battlestar coming back? I'll have to make due with ALL MY OTHER FUCKING SHOWS STARTING THIS WEEK AND NEXT! YAY. YYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO. (oh, and make sure you watch Californication if you have Showtime--great show. Oh, and Weeds too)
2) Why, oh why, can't I stick to a diet for more than a short while? I'm literally eating myself to death. I had dropped 20 on my latest foray into a healthy eating habit, but I've been fucking off for a few weeks and I've probably gained back 15.
3) I've been pretty busy lately doing fuck knows what. I really can't tell you anything significant that I've done, but I'm always fucking busy. Right now, the current obsession is my new computer at home. I've been trying to get everything copied back over from the laptop to the new desktop and it's a pain. Let me also point out my extreme HATRED of stupid fucking Norton Anti-virus and Firewall which randomly locks down the entire fucking network connection from the PC for no good reason. Norton, my pal. How would YOU like to fuck ME in the ass? Heh, heh, heh...
4) Does anyone else think Amy Winehouse looks like the area between an anus and testicles?...of an unwashed, hirsute, homeless man? I've flicked more attractive things off of my forefinger.
5) Laurie and I took a quick impromptu trip to Shreveport last weekend to gamble at the casino (for like 45 minutes) and go drink with some of her friends. We got FUCKED UP. Majorly fucked up in Laurie's case. I haven't seen her drunk since we dated. One of her friends got smashed at the restaurant we started out at and fell on the dance floor while dancing with these two chicks that were sitting at the table next to us. Did I mention she didn't know those girls? And she just walked up and dragged them out to the dancefloor? It was pretty funny. Her evening ended shortly thereafter when they got stopped by the cops in the parking lot after she was seen puking out of the passenger side window. The cops let them go because her husband is a fireman. They were still going to meet us at the next bar, but she puked all over herself right after that. We spent the rest of the night migrating from shithole to the next...we even wound up in a dyke bar. And by dyke, I'm talking about lesbians who look EXACTLY like me. Down to the fucking goatee and everything. It's like the rug they were munching rubbed off on their chins.
6) What was up with Britney's VMA performance? The last time I saw such pitiful performance enthusiasm, I was looking down at the last chick I banged before getting married. Yowsa. Britney's been like watching a delicious cheescake decompose into a pile of festering, fetid garbage. So sad...so sad.
7) Things are doing pretty well at home with me and the family. Laurie and I had a BIG fucking to-do last month about me getting involved in business venture with my brother without consulting with her. It was probably the worst fight we've had. It didn't help that I fell into her stupid "What have I done like this..." trap and brought up when she was dragging her feet about returning to work when I was laid off. If it wasn't for the fact that that almost got me kicked out of the house, it would have been pretty funny.
8) The best thing about Laurie returning to work in the fall? She crashes out at 9:30 and I get to scan the web for celebrity gossip and amateur porn for a few hours uninterrupted. What more does a man need?
9) I was ALMOST leaving my house for the next year on a detail for work, but it didn't pan out. That would have been pretty weird and hard (much like your Uncle), but a huge career boosting opportunity. I'm somewhat relieved that it didn't work out, but I'm kind of pissed that I didn't get further along than everyone thought I was going to. What's wrong with me? Don't you love me, Daddy?
10) Jesus, I wish they would legalize marijuana. I would so be a total pothead if it were.
11) That'll do pig; that'll do. 9/11/2007 Time Keeps On SlippinI promise I will post something soon.
Well, kinda promise.
I've just been really busy.
That is all for now. 8/21/2007 What's Wrong With You Jamaicans?One of life's more amusing food items I found in Kroger last night:
You know you want it.
8/17/2007 Sweet VindicationBest night on TV this year! Not only did Dustin swish his way out of the house, Danielle gets HoH! Jamiroquai and the Beast are toast next week. Last night on the live feed, those two wastes of blood cells were talking (with NO IRONY) about a "vision" that the Beast had where she was getting a medallion placed over her head and Dick was angry. They were debating when it was going to happen. She thought it was going to be last week (or whenever the 7th week was) but she kept also talking about 27 becase it was "her" number.
Ok, whore. I understand that maybe the fumes from the Nair you use on your eyebrows (or possible the rail after rail of the bathroom meth that you used to snort) may affect your cognitive abilities. But even a slutty dullard such as yourself should realize that YOU ARE NOT PSYCHIC. GOD IS NOT SENDING DOWN SPECIAL MESSAGES TO YOU AND YOUR MORON COHORT. JESUS ISN'T SITTING AROUND HIS TIVO ENTHRALLED WITH YOU AND JAMIROQUAI'S STELLAR GAMEPLAY. HE'S NOT GOING TO TAKE THE LOAD OFF YOUR SHOULDER (NEITHER THE FIGURATIVE LOAD NOR THE LITERAL SPERMY LOADS THAT ARE THERE EVERY WEEKEND)
If God were actually watching you, you freakish skank, he would have made sure that the egg that developed into your daughter would have never attached itself to your rotten, putrid uterus (ooh, I've just coined a new term for her: Puterus [pronounced pew-ter-us]) so that she wouldn't have to endure being raised by a lying, selfish, crybaby like yourself. She has no chance in life with you as her mother. Maybe she'll be lucky and you'll be strangled when you get back to Vegas and turn your next trick.
Eric is clearly gay since he has no interest in Jizzica. Jizzica is clearly either a) very diplomatic; b) very blind when she responded that she could be open to pursuing something with Ratzo Twitcho outside of the house.
Danielle needs to quit eating so much. She's starting to look fat.
That vote was a total fucking coup! I'm so happy.
On a side note, Laurie's mom hates Dick and Danielle and said she won't watch the show anymore. She was talking to Leon (Laurie's Dad) and her grandma, and was trying to segue into talking about Big Brother and just blurted out "Laurie loves Dick".
On another exciting front, the finale for So You Think You Can Dance was last night. I figured Sabra would win. She's an amazing dancer and just seems so perky and nice. It's weird that there really wasn't anyone in the top 8 or so that I didn't like.
I had tickets on hold at Ticketmaster for the show, but I just can't justify dropping $150 for a show that doesn't involve a donkey.
Now I have to wait until next May for it to return.
Sigh.
8/15/2007 Blech, Ugh,Psbbt...MMMMMMMy new doctor fucked me over and switched me from Vicodin to Ultram (tramadol). To top it off, it's one of those fucked up extended release jobs. I took one yesterday afternoon and it did nothing for me (recreationally or pain wise).
So today, I figured I'd go all hillbilly herion on it and chew it up.
Oh. My. God.
I have never tasted so vile a substance EVER. Not even when I was puking nothing but bile for three days last Christmas.
Although, I did catch a quick buzz (albeit a mild one) from it within about five minutes.
Vicodin is still my knight in shining armor. Maybe I'll get them to change my meds after my MRI tomorrow.
mmmm, opiates. Jesus Help Me Pull Out That Magic Ping Pong BallLast night's episode of Big Brother was by far the best of the season for many reasons. The fucking best is the realization I had at the end of the show...I'll share that below, however. Unlike when I'm with my wife, I won't blow my load so early.
Evel Dick is a crazy mother fucker. But I say that with with admiration. That dude is toting a brass set, my friends. Banging pot lids in the middle of the night? Ridiculing Jameka's religion and her hipocritical nature (use the veto on Jen but not Kail)? I missed some of the show from Sunday (fucking cable box), so I don't know what was shown when he was bagging on Predator (Amber), but on the live feed he essentially called her a speed whore who is a horrible mother. You couldn't get any more drama than his POV win. I kicked my feet like a little kid who got an oversized sucker when his ball hit the post.
My second favorite part of the night is when I realized just how stupid and pliable Jizzica is. When Jen told her outside that she thinks that Dustin and Dick have a secret alliance (um, how is having BOTH of your alliance members on the block a good plan?), Laurie said "Jessica is such a bad actress" when Jessica squinched her eyes and started saying that she kind of believed it. I said that she DID believe her and was VINDICATED when she started to cry in the diary room. How fucking great is that? Last week she was ready to sell Eric under the bus (to steal those douchebag's moronic mixing of expressions) until Dustin calmed her down at the last minute. She is SO that chick that would fall for "if I fuck you in the ass, you're still a virgin". It got even better when she brought America's Douchebag into the conspiracy because he wouldn't talk to her during the "silent treatment" (how is it a silent treatment when you talk, dummy!).
God, but I would love to take a crack at that ass...and yes, I'd tell her she was still a virgin.
My favorite favorite part of the night was at the end of the episode when Dustin all cocky (you are what you eat) sits down next to Dick on the block. You want to know why? Because that jizz juggler is going home! Here's how the votes will come out:
Dick: (can't vote, on the block)
Dustin: (can't vote, on the block)
Jizzica: (can't vote, Head of Household)
Jameka: Dick
Amber: Dick
Danielle: Dustin
Zach: Dustin
Jen: Dustin
What about Eric? Won't he be the third vote for Dick and tie? Hohoho, you forget that that douchey little rat doesn't get to vote. America votes for him and America HATES Dustin! Who did they want nominated? Dustin. Who did they want the silent treatment given to? Jizzica.
Jen is too happy about being Danielle's "friend" to vote against Dick. Zach is dumbly loyal to Danielle because of Nick. They would be stupid to align themselves with the LNC because after Dick & Danielle are gone, they will be their targets. With Danielle and Dick, they will make the final four and have a better chance.
What makes this even MORE fucking sweet is that it will totally obliterate the LNC alliance when they realize that someone secretly voted for Dustin...and all eyes will squinch to Eric. And to top it off, we're due for a double-eviction week. How cool would it be if both Dustin and Eric were gone by next Sunday?
me so happy.
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