Diary of a Fat Man: Blog

I'm Off Like a Dirty Shirt

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:33:13 GMT

I've been trying to kill this blog for two years with my crappy posts, but it just won't die. I am, however, pretty certain I'm done posting over here. The site just doesn't work properly for me and I'm tired of looking at a screen that was designed by Picasso.

I've setup a new blog so that I can start fresh...funky fresh.

http://doesthisblogmakemelookphat.blogspot.com/

Heh

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:32:25 GMT

7/12/2006

Where's My Money?

Laurie and I are HORRIBLE parents.

Monday, Evan lost one of his molars (tooth loss #13, if I remember correctly). He put it under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy and he drifted off into a peaceful slumber. Chloe was in one of her insomniac moods, so she was up for about another 30 minutes reading a book in her bed.

After lunch yesterday, I think "Oh shit! I didn't do the Tooth Fairy thing." I call Laurie and ask if she remembered and she said no. She said that Evan woke up that morning and saw that the Tooth Fairy had forgotten to bring anything.

She told him maybe she was on vacation or since he was sleeping in Chloe's room that night she didn't find it and that the TF would be back that night.

It's bad enough that we forgot but the reason that I forgot makes the story a typical Chris story.

I forgot because I was fucking my wife. Although I throw that term around pretty liberally, it's not used as a euphemism for sex AT ALL in my house. It's either "let's do it", "I want to be with you", blah blah blah. But there's no pretty term for what we were doing. We were engaged in hair-pulling, clavicle-biting, sweaty, noisy, deliciously painful, fucking. Laurie's head got slammed into the headboard; my fingers got smashed between the headboard and the wall, and Laurie literally pulled a muscle in her leg.

Yay me!

Anyway, I felt horrible about forgetting about the TF. Last night when he was going to bed, Evan could not find that frickin' tooth anywhere. We scoured the entire house and couldn't find it. He was again upset and thought he was going to get screwed out of his TF experience. Instead, I told him I would write the TF a note and he could put that under his pillow. Here's what I wrote:

Dear Tooth Fairy,
Last night you inadvertantly forgot to pick up the tooth from under Evan's pillow. We all understand how busy you are and can appreciate how that type of oversight can happen.
However, Evan can no longer find the tooth as it was lost in the house sometime yesterday.
I can fully attest to the fact that Evan DID indeed lose his tooth and hasn't received any remuneration for his loss.
Regards,
Chris (Last Name), Evan's Father.

It seemed to work because he was cool with it AND the TF hooked him up with a Fin during the night.

More to come later today...I'm working on my first BB post!

Last One Until the Next One

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:12:26 GMT

"Dear god, give me the strength of a priest--but not one of those that joined the seminary to hide his homosexual feelings thinking that you'd give him the power to resist his urges but still finds himself staring at the other priests in the rectory and eventually gets his own parish and finds himself fantasizing about the altar boys who look so suave in their white robes and who finally breaks down and gets one alone in his house and gets him drunk on leftover communion wine and then manipulates the boy into giving him a furtive and sloppy blow job. "

Another Retread

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:50:39 GMT

4/19/2006

Nyquil Munchies

I took the weekend off of the diet since it was Easter...after all, Jesus didn't die and miraculously rise again for me to not eat turkey and ham. I got back on Monday and did OK until last night, when I got the munchies when buzzing on Nyquil. All in all, I didn't binge too badly, but I did eat two turkey sandwiches (on low calorie bread with no condiments) and a big hunk of chocolate bunny. Damn you sweet, sexy bunnies.

Did anyone watch American Idol last night? I thought it was the best performances so far, except for that whore Kelly Pickler. "You took a load off my chest?" Usually she's saying "You put a load on my chest".

Elliott has to be the ugliest human to ever be a contestant on that show. He looks like the offspring of Charlie from Lost and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun. The little bastard can sing, though. Laurie said that he's cute in a weird way.

Paula's tits stole the show. I kept expecting them to spill out over the desk, roll up on stage, and wrap themselves around Ace's cock.

Speaking of Ace, WTF was up with that hairdo? He looked like he visited Kevin Federline's hairdresser. He and Pickler are by FAR the worst singers left in the bunch. I was telling Laurie that Ace looked like an asshole. I then had something pop into my head and I collapsed into a fit of hysterical giggles that I couldn't stop for a full minute. I finally calmed down enough and told Laurie what my epiphany was about Ace.

I said that he looked like the type of guy that would cum on a girl's face and not even offer her a warm, moist towel to clean herself up with.

She then looked at me with a look of disgust on her face and said "Where do you come up with this shit?"

I don't know, baby. It's a fucking gift

I'm a funny guy

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:45:32 GMT

I had planned posting something, but got lost in the brilliance of my early entries. It seems like I was really funny until 2006. This one I thought was really good:

12/20/2005

My Day with the Family

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to bash them in the heads with a Waterford Crystal vase, throw them in the bathtub, dismember them with the electric hedgeclippers, put them in a double layer of Hefty 50 gallon garbage bags, wrap the bags in chains, put them in the trunk of your SUV, drive 10 miles in the pitch black night to the lake, quietly row out to the middle of the lake, attach cinderblocks to the chains, drop them in the middle of the lake, quietly row back to the launch, drive 10 miles in the pitch black back to the house, clean up any residual mess with hydrogen peroxide and ammonia, wait six hours, call the police in a nervous tone and say that you your family was supposed to have been home HOURS ago but you haven't seen them?

Have you?

----------

Click on the archives to the left from early 2006 & before if you want to be entertained.

Mexico Sucks

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:51:38 GMT

Greetings from the deadest border town EVER. I'm stuck in a Holiday Inn in Harlingen Texas. What's there to do here? Not a fucking thing. I'm so bored I don't even want to drink any of the tequila I bought in Mexico a few hours ago.

Since I was so close to the border, I thought I'd hop over, eat a great meal, and then do a little shopping. Little did I know that 1) my flight would be delayed over an hour; 2) that I'd get lost on the way to the hotel (another 30 extra minutes); 3) that the town I went to (Nuevo Progresso) was d-e-a-d on a Tuesday night. All of the shops closed by the time I finished dinner (started: 7:40, end: 8:00). My meal SUCKED. There was only one other table occupied and it was a group of obnoxious norte americanos. I could have had better food at Taco Bell.

The only plus was the cheapo stuff I bought from the one shop that was still open. I got Chloe a piggy bank and Evan a bullwhip (don't ask). I bought a liter of very high quality Tequila (Herradura Reposado) for $38 (they don't even sell this one in the US, but the comparable one they do runs about $58 for the same quantity). I'm tempted to crack it open and sample it, but I don't want that shit leaking in my bag when I go home.

I'm still alive (obviously). My work is going well. My travel is kind of sporadic. I will go 3 weeks without a trip and then have to go three different places in less than one week, all of them pretty much last minute.

Thursday, I'm off to the Panhandle. Then Laurie and I are taking the kids on a mini-vacation to San Antonio on Friday. We're going to hit Schlitterbahn (the best water park in the world) on Friday; we're going to go tubing on the Guadalupe River on Saturday; and then do the drive through safari on the way home Sunday.

Why So Serious?

Fri, 02 May 2008 05:33:07 GMT

As you can tell, my high falutin' plans of the post-o-rama have fallen by the wayside. Yes, I am still alive. Yes, in fact, I am prospering like the aging stripper who'll give you a little handy under the table with your lapdance to keep things competitive with the youngsters. There have been some ups and downs, my friends.

Over the past four months I've (in no particular order--I've jumbled them to keep you on your toes--and some already covered):

changed jobs (you know) with a sizable raise
gone to three concerts (one punk, one country, one alternative)
blown through thousands of dollars like a baller in a strip club
had my dick sliced open
traveled enough already to qualify for a free flight and Gold membership in the ICH rewards club
came the closest to becoming divorced EVER
eaten my way across Louisiana
eaten 8 pounds of crawfish
become addicted to Rock of Love II
then bought Rock of Love on DVD and watched over the course of a week
been sued
abruptly ended my four year friendship with TGWSNTMAW
joyously celebrated the return of TV shows!
watched a couple in their late 50's practically fucking in not just one, but TWO airports
became tasked with the chore of having to shove a plastic spike into my cock on a nightly basis (and not just for fun, beeyotch)
became cuckoo for cocoa puffs
still can't stop fucking eating, even though I'm off the Elavil
bought a new A/C for the house
had a 102 degree fever for almost a week due to a urinary tract infection that wasn't being killed because my doctor gave me the wrong antibiotic
had to cancel the new fence due to being sued
oh, had to cancel the vacation too--fucktards
went camping three times
written fewer blog entries than I used to in a fucking day back in ought-five
had a tranny make me a delicious sandwich
vomited a dozen times--doesn't sound too impressive until you know that that was just on Tuesday
ate lunch at a REALLY horrible Chinese buffet by the airport in New Orleans on Monday
saw a chick fuck a snowman on the Internet
have read 32 books

Ha! That's like those fucked up montage scenes that you get to advertise the upcoming season of a new show. OMG, Jack's fucking Kate on the stairs of a nice house? Why's Charlie underwater? Ben is from Iraq?

You may or may not get your questioned answered in the near future.

Bwahahaha.

I'll Drink Your Milkshake.

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 03:04:15 GMT

Holy crap, I'm tired.

I thought I'd have more time to update this pathetic blog, but I haven't. I've been working my big, fat ass off.

My new job is outstanding, but a lot of work. I've been in San Antonio for the past 12 days! I worked 105 hours this past week! We finished up "early" tonight and I was back at the hotel at 6pm after "only" 11 hours today.

Fuck me sideways. I haven't even been able to watch TV, although I did break down and buy lost from iTunes last week (and I may grab this one's tonight since the oscars kind of blow.

I'll be on my way home tomorrow and rubbing one out in my own house for the first time in almost two weeks. Yipee!

Thankfully, it hasn't been all chris-fist-fest. I had super-groovy fuck making last night, all right? America is great!

My brain is dead, but my bank account is fucking PHAT, beeyotch. Heelllloooo new air conditioner for the house!

Marissa: I've only watched ONE Big Brother so far. I will be catching up on TiVo this week!

I give you my word that I will try to update more. Sometime. Soon?

Must sleep.

"Freshly Douched Pork Chop"

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 19:31:03 GMT

This is my last day in my "old" office. I've been finished with my work for hours and I'm now just killing time.

This: http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000058.php made me shoot Diet Dr. Pepper from my nose.

So this is Christmas??

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:42:18 GMT

This fucking holiday has snuck up on us this year. Most of the time, Laurie and the kids have a week off before the holiday. Due to this new TX school year consolidation, it's trashed that whole thing. They don't get out until today, with Xmas being Monday. I'm done with all of MY shopping, hehe, seeing how I only bought for Laurie. We weren't supposed to buy anything for each other due to the trip (of which, pics can be seen here) (oh, and it was the schizzle for sizzle), but I bought her an Ipod Nano. The Nano isn't good enough for ME, however her miniscule music collection will be dwarfed by the 8 gig flash drive, natch.

Since I last graced you with my volumnious presence, I have been promoted to a new job that starts on 01/07/08. Since I'm off work all of next week, I basically just have three more work days until the new gig starts. I'll be moving to the downtown Dallas Regional Office doing facilities management (basically working with builders/vendors for new office construction, ordering equipment/phones/computers for other offices, etc). I'll be doing a lot of travel, so expect that I'll be posting more whilst out on the road (in between visits to homeclips.com and redtube.com, of course---electronic poon comes first--). And to top it off, it's a fairly substantial raise (right at $10K a year, beeyotch). W00T.

Well, I'm off to Chloe's Christmas party at school and then back to work. I'm going to happy hour tonight with a few co-workers for my goodbye celebration. Merry Christmas to all.

Where Do We Go From Here

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 01:15:58 GMT

Word up.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine was suck ass, at best. Decent food, shitty company, shitty time. Most Thanksgivings are languid affairs that involve eating lethal amounts of food, dozing fitfully while the Cowboy's game is playing, then topping off the distended belly with even MORE food, then a race home to be the first one to get to the bathroom.

This year, we spent a total of two hours over at my sister-in-law's house. She's now "dating" her high school sweetheart again, now that she's dropped over 150lbs and another 230lbs of dolt (my ex-brother in law). Things have been weird between her and everyone now that "she's always up Patrick's ass", as so eloquently put by my crazy as fuck mother in law.

Right now, I'm just chilling at my desk sippin' on gin and juice (I'm laid back, but I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind). Actually it's not gin and juice, but gin and tonic with a splash of lime. Good shit. Nice and strong like a college fullback, but goes down easy like the slutty cheerleader that's fucking and sucking her way through the third string defensive lineup.

I've spent the last week doing my civic duty as a juror (make sure you pronounce it correctly--jur-RAWR, like Puerto Rican tiger that is roaring). Five fucking days listening to testimony about a real estate deal. However, I've got to say it was pretty interesting and thankfully the time went by pretty quickly. But, I'm going to be SOOOO fucked when I get back to work. I haven't been to work since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I'm going to have so much crap piled up that I'll need a plunger to make my way to my desk.

I'm also getting really stoked about my upcoming extended weekend trip to Winter Park Colorado. We're splitting on 12/13 and coming back on the 17th, unfortunately we're driving. We're staying at the YMCA Snow Mountain Resort, which although it sounds like a dump from the name, is apparently a really nice, 5200 acre ranch. We're getting a kick ass deal (two nights at the lodge, five meals, and all the activities for only $160) and then we're adding another night outside of the family weekend special (another $100). We've never taken a winter vacation, so we're pretty excited. If things work out well, we may take a week (or more) next Christmas and get a cabin.

I don't have much to add. I'm still a fat mother fucker (literally, but not my own). I'm now totally off the demon-bred meds that help me gain 50+ pounds, but I haven't made much effort get my weight down. Stupid food...why must you tempt me so? I'm considering relaunching my ill fated "punishment diet". Do you think tasing my balls would be a good deterrent to the succulent Spinach and Bacon soufflés at Panera?

Mmmm, Panera.

Four Times As Long As Sex

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 22:50:52 GMT

I've got twelve minutes to kill, so why not use them to write some incredible drivel?

I've been sick most of the week with either food poisoning or a virus or somesuch. Although it was pretty sweet spending my birthday in bed watching TV and catching up with Smodcasts on my new Ipod (yay birthdays!) (again, if you like what I write, this is a podcast you must listen to), I'd have rather been healthy enough to also have spent the day getting fucking smashed on whisky sours and Tom Collins.

Last weekend, Laurie threw me a surprise birthday party. I've known about the party for a few weeks, but played along as if I didn't. Even if I DIDN'T know, I would have figured it out that day. Hmmm, Nichole's new boyfriend inviting me to see a movie? Oh, a half-off margarita machine because Jaime (a friend who is a caterer) had a party fall through?

It rocked, however. I racked up on gift cards (both Best Buy and Barnes & Noble), got the Ipod that Nichole has owed me for building the website that got her a promotion at work. I got sensationally fucked up. TGWSNTMAW was coming to the party (damn snoopy wife got her number out of my cell phone), but she got lost on the way to my house. Probably a good thing too. I told her that if Laurie ever saw her, I'd never get to hang out with her EVER. Laurie asked me what she looks like and I was all "Ah, she's all right.", which she said meant that she was hot (um, yep).

Anyway, I got interrupted mid post by the security guard bitching about his wife. You only got half my attention (man, even more like sex).

Adios, putas.

Gimme More

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:03:58 GMT

Time sure flies when you're a miserable SOB, doesn't it? I can't believe it's been over a month since my last update. I guess I'm just out of shit to say. How many times can I write "I'm so fat. I can't stop eating. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Internet lesbian pussy?"

Apparently HUNDREDS of times, bitches. That's my bread and butter. (mmm, bread and butter)

I'll try my best to avoid bullet points, heavy indents, parenthetical asides (yeah, like that's going to happen), and other such nonesuch in this entry, but I'm a bit rusty (like a trombone, perhaps?) See, I told warned you about those dirty little parenthetical asides. They creep up on you like that sneaky little Vietnamese dude that lives next door to your crazy Uncle Chuck, you know, the uncle that has flashbacks whenever he goes to the mailbox and sees Pho Duc Nguyen through the picket fence that he jokingly calls the DMZ.

I can't even really remember the last time I had an update that filled you (that's the royal "you") in on what's going on in the flab of flesh otherwise known as "Chris". Plenty of TV posts; some quick drive-by type updates, but nothing substantial.

Christ, it's hard not busting out the bullet points for rest of this.

Over the past few months I've discovered that I'm in need of some serious fucking therapy. Or it's quite possible that how I've been feeling is a side affect of not blogging (which has been self-reflective and pretty therapeutic in the past). I just feel…blah. There are moments when I get excited about things (like the spur of the moment purchase of a strobe light & fog machine and constructing a fog chiller for my front porch the day before Halloween or my marathon reading sessions), but for the most part, I'm just coasting along through the day wishing I were either asleep or alone. Instead, I still go to sleep late, wake up early, and spend the day doing a job I'm bored with and then go home and spend time with my family. Sigh.

We've had a busy summer/autumn. A vacation to Florida in June, a couple of trips to LA (Louisiana, not LaLa Land), and camping. I've got lots of pics posted to Flickr, but haven't been motivated enough to spend time annotating them.

I've also been reading way too much lately, much to the dismay of my TiVO. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing papoo, paPOO, PAPOO (damn, aural humor is so tough to pull off with text).

That's all for now. I'll try to post more this weekend.

An honest to goodness post? No TV (well, maybe a little)? STILL using the stupid numeric bullet points?

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:27:13 GMT

Yup...ain't you lucky, bitches?

1) Let's get the TV shit out of the way. I wanted the new Bionic Woman on a sneak preview/on demand thing. Niiiccceee. The new Jamie Sommers is certainly as hot as the original. Add Katie Sackhoff to the mix (my delicious little Starbuck) and it's a boner-riffic good show. It's even science fiction-y, too. Kudos too the quick cameo by Boomer...fuck, when's Battlestar coming back? I'll have to make due with ALL MY OTHER FUCKING SHOWS STARTING THIS WEEK AND NEXT! YAY. YYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO. (oh, and make sure you watch Californication if you have Showtime--great show. Oh, and Weeds too)

2) Why, oh why, can't I stick to a diet for more than a short while? I'm literally eating myself to death. I had dropped 20 on my latest foray into a healthy eating habit, but I've been fucking off for a few weeks and I've probably gained back 15.

3) I've been pretty busy lately doing fuck knows what. I really can't tell you anything significant that I've done, but I'm always fucking busy. Right now, the current obsession is my new computer at home. I've been trying to get everything copied back over from the laptop to the new desktop and it's a pain. Let me also point out my extreme HATRED of stupid fucking Norton Anti-virus and Firewall which randomly locks down the entire fucking network connection from the PC for no good reason. Norton, my pal. How would YOU like to fuck ME in the ass? Heh, heh, heh...

4) Does anyone else think Amy Winehouse looks like the area between an anus and testicles?...of an unwashed, hirsute, homeless man? I've flicked more attractive things off of my forefinger.

5) Laurie and I took a quick impromptu trip to Shreveport last weekend to gamble at the casino (for like 45 minutes) and go drink with some of her friends. We got FUCKED UP. Majorly fucked up in Laurie's case. I haven't seen her drunk since we dated. One of her friends got smashed at the restaurant we started out at and fell on the dance floor while dancing with these two chicks that were sitting at the table next to us. Did I mention she didn't know those girls? And she just walked up and dragged them out to the dancefloor? It was pretty funny. Her evening ended shortly thereafter when they got stopped by the cops in the parking lot after she was seen puking out of the passenger side window. The cops let them go because her husband is a fireman. They were still going to meet us at the next bar, but she puked all over herself right after that. We spent the rest of the night migrating from shithole to the next...we even wound up in a dyke bar. And by dyke, I'm talking about lesbians who look EXACTLY like me. Down to the fucking goatee and everything. It's like the rug they were munching rubbed off on their chins.

6) What was up with Britney's VMA performance? The last time I saw such pitiful performance enthusiasm, I was looking down at the last chick I banged before getting married. Yowsa. Britney's been like watching a delicious cheescake decompose into a pile of festering, fetid garbage. So sad...so sad.

7) Things are doing pretty well at home with me and the family. Laurie and I had a BIG fucking to-do last month about me getting involved in business venture with my brother without consulting with her. It was probably the worst fight we've had. It didn't help that I fell into her stupid "What have I done like this..." trap and brought up when she was dragging her feet about returning to work when I was laid off. If it wasn't for the fact that that almost got me kicked out of the house, it would have been pretty funny.

8) The best thing about Laurie returning to work in the fall? She crashes out at 9:30 and I get to scan the web for celebrity gossip and amateur porn for a few hours uninterrupted. What more does a man need?

9) I was ALMOST leaving my house for the next year on a detail for work, but it didn't pan out. That would have been pretty weird and hard (much like your Uncle), but a huge career boosting opportunity. I'm somewhat relieved that it didn't work out, but I'm kind of pissed that I didn't get further along than everyone thought I was going to. What's wrong with me? Don't you love me, Daddy?

10) Jesus, I wish they would legalize marijuana. I would so be a total pothead if it were.

11) That'll do pig; that'll do.

Now I'm going to suck your feet

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 21:09:56 GMT

Holy crap, this just made my day.

Time Keeps On Slippin

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 21:07:52 GMT

I promise I will post something soon.

Well, kinda promise.

I've just been really busy.

That is all for now.

It Seems That CBS Feels The Same Way!

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 04:05:04 GMT

This is fucking great:

What's Wrong With You Jamaicans?

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 13:27:21 GMT

One of life's more amusing food items I found in Kroger last night:

You know you want it.

Sweet Vindication

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:19:09 GMT

Best night on TV this year! Not only did Dustin swish his way out of the house, Danielle gets HoH! Jamiroquai and the Beast are toast next week. Last night on the live feed, those two wastes of blood cells were talking (with NO IRONY) about a "vision" that the Beast had where she was getting a medallion placed over her head and Dick was angry. They were debating when it was going to happen. She thought it was going to be last week (or whenever the 7th week was) but she kept also talking about 27 becase it was "her" number.

Ok, whore. I understand that maybe the fumes from the Nair you use on your eyebrows (or possible the rail after rail of the bathroom meth that you used to snort) may affect your cognitive abilities. But even a slutty dullard such as yourself should realize that YOU ARE NOT PSYCHIC. GOD IS NOT SENDING DOWN SPECIAL MESSAGES TO YOU AND YOUR MORON COHORT. JESUS ISN'T SITTING AROUND HIS TIVO ENTHRALLED WITH YOU AND JAMIROQUAI'S STELLAR GAMEPLAY. HE'S NOT GOING TO TAKE THE LOAD OFF YOUR SHOULDER (NEITHER THE FIGURATIVE LOAD NOR THE LITERAL SPERMY LOADS THAT ARE THERE EVERY WEEKEND)

If God were actually watching you, you freakish skank, he would have made sure that the egg that developed into your daughter would have never attached itself to your rotten, putrid uterus (ooh, I've just coined a new term for her: Puterus [pronounced pew-ter-us]) so that she wouldn't have to endure being raised by a lying, selfish, crybaby like yourself. She has no chance in life with you as her mother. Maybe she'll be lucky and you'll be strangled when you get back to Vegas and turn your next trick.

Eric is clearly gay since he has no interest in Jizzica. Jizzica is clearly either a) very diplomatic; b) very blind when she responded that she could be open to pursuing something with Ratzo Twitcho outside of the house.

Danielle needs to quit eating so much. She's starting to look fat.

That vote was a total fucking coup! I'm so happy.

On a side note, Laurie's mom hates Dick and Danielle and said she won't watch the show anymore. She was talking to Leon (Laurie's Dad) and her grandma, and was trying to segue into talking about Big Brother and just blurted out "Laurie loves Dick".

On another exciting front, the finale for So You Think You Can Dance was last night. I figured Sabra would win. She's an amazing dancer and just seems so perky and nice. It's weird that there really wasn't anyone in the top 8 or so that I didn't like.

I had tickets on hold at Ticketmaster for the show, but I just can't justify dropping $150 for a show that doesn't involve a donkey.

Now I have to wait until next May for it to return.

Sigh.

Blech, Ugh,Psbbt...MMMMMM

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 00:00:37 GMT

My new doctor fucked me over and switched me from Vicodin to Ultram (tramadol). To top it off, it's one of those fucked up extended release jobs. I took one yesterday afternoon and it did nothing for me (recreationally or pain wise).

So today, I figured I'd go all hillbilly herion on it and chew it up.

Oh. My. God.

I have never tasted so vile a substance EVER. Not even when I was puking nothing but bile for three days last Christmas.

Although, I did catch a quick buzz (albeit a mild one) from it within about five minutes.

Vicodin is still my knight in shining armor. Maybe I'll get them to change my meds after my MRI tomorrow.

mmmm, opiates.

Jesus Help Me Pull Out That Magic Ping Pong Ball

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 15:28:21 GMT

Last night's episode of Big Brother was by far the best of the season for many reasons. The fucking best is the realization I had at the end of the show...I'll share that below, however. Unlike when I'm with my wife, I won't blow my load so early.

Evel Dick is a crazy mother fucker. But I say that with with admiration. That dude is toting a brass set, my friends. Banging pot lids in the middle of the night? Ridiculing Jameka's religion and her hipocritical nature (use the veto on Jen but not Kail)? I missed some of the show from Sunday (fucking cable box), so I don't know what was shown when he was bagging on Predator (Amber), but on the live feed he essentially called her a speed whore who is a horrible mother. You couldn't get any more drama than his POV win. I kicked my feet like a little kid who got an oversized sucker when his ball hit the post.

My second favorite part of the night is when I realized just how stupid and pliable Jizzica is. When Jen told her outside that she thinks that Dustin and Dick have a secret alliance (um, how is having BOTH of your alliance members on the block a good plan?), Laurie said "Jessica is such a bad actress" when Jessica squinched her eyes and started saying that she kind of believed it. I said that she DID believe her and was VINDICATED when she started to cry in the diary room. How fucking great is that? Last week she was ready to sell Eric under the bus (to steal those douchebag's moronic mixing of expressions) until Dustin calmed her down at the last minute. She is SO that chick that would fall for "if I fuck you in the ass, you're still a virgin". It got even better when she brought America's Douchebag into the conspiracy because he wouldn't talk to her during the "silent treatment" (how is it a silent treatment when you talk, dummy!).

God, but I would love to take a crack at that ass...and yes, I'd tell her she was still a virgin.

My favorite favorite part of the night was at the end of the episode when Dustin all cocky (you are what you eat) sits down next to Dick on the block. You want to know why? Because that jizz juggler is going home! Here's how the votes will come out:

Dick: (can't vote, on the block)

Dustin: (can't vote, on the block)

Jizzica: (can't vote, Head of Household)

Jameka: Dick

Amber: Dick

Danielle: Dustin

Zach: Dustin

Jen: Dustin

What about Eric? Won't he be the third vote for Dick and tie? Hohoho, you forget that that douchey little rat doesn't get to vote. America votes for him and America HATES Dustin! Who did they want nominated? Dustin. Who did they want the silent treatment given to? Jizzica.

Jen is too happy about being Danielle's "friend" to vote against Dick. Zach is dumbly loyal to Danielle because of Nick. They would be stupid to align themselves with the LNC because after Dick & Danielle are gone, they will be their targets. With Danielle and Dick, they will make the final four and have a better chance.

What makes this even MORE fucking sweet is that it will totally obliterate the LNC alliance when they realize that someone secretly voted for Dustin...and all eyes will squinch to Eric. And to top it off, we're due for a double-eviction week. How cool would it be if both Dustin and Eric were gone by next Sunday?

me so happy.

Bubba Humps

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 17:40:15 GMT

Hmmm, I guess one more thing I'll scratch from my to-do list. Stupid laws...

Excerpt:

"On or about 07/30/04 to 07/30/07 there is an incident where Mr. Dills is videotaping himself in his landlord's upstairs residence where he is dressed only in a black vest, a black rubber mastk, and a black G-String. Mr. Dills is positioned in front of the opened front door and is masturbating and humping and grinding on the door and door frames. Mr. Dills is heard to comment on tape 'C'mon ladies" as he masturbates within plain view of the sidewalk, Bailey Street and Elmwood park which is located across the street. This appears to occur during daylight hours.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0802072mask1.html

Backdoor

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 19:33:28 GMT

Eric is the backdoor nominee, but I think Dick & Danielle blew their wad too fast (unlike me--shut up, two minutes isn't fast, is it?) by bringing in Jizzica (Sir Cumference's name for her). Her lips are looser than Amber's labial lips must be from all that whoring she does.

Amber's sporting some fake dreads now:

Which makes her look like a new celebrity:

Dustin is starting to annoy me know.

Eric is a toad.

Zach has like zero personality...it's like he has Asperger's or something (in his case, Assburgers).

Nice Try, Fatso.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 16:13:53 GMT

Why is my life so difficult? Why can't I control this beast within myself? Why is Ben & Jerry's so fucking good that I'd trade my kids for another nibble?

I've reached the breaking point...the one in my jeans where if I eat anything else my pants will actually break. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror last week before getting in the shower and I just disgusted myself. I'm back up to my pre-pre-Weight Watchers weight (or I was as of last Sunday--I'm down about six pounds from that already), none of my clothes are fitting well (yes, even my XXL). I catch myself breathing hard doing ANYTHING. The last straw was when I was throwing a fuck onto the old wife and I had to struggle to kiss her during the act because my fucking buddha belly was getting in the way.

People always wonder how 500 or 800 pounders get that way. Don't they realize how fat they are? Can't they control themselves? I totally understand how it can happen. How did I let seventy mother fucking pounds (because that's how much over my lowest WW weight I was last week) attach itself to me in two years? One Panera Bread Company Cinnamon Crunch Bagel at a time, one Marie Callender's Chicken Potpie at a time, two delicious, mouthwatering hamburger patties at a time; that's how.

I've also realized how old I'm getting. I'm only ten or so years away from how old one of my coworker buddies was when he died from being overweight. I'm fifteen years away from how old my Dad was when he needed his first open heart surgery. I'm only twenty three years away from how old my Mom was when she died. That sounds like a long time, until I remembered that I've been out of high school for sixteen years not (and they fucking FLEW by).

My body is rebelling against me. My arm has been fucked up for 3-4 months and I've been on vicodin for three weeks (mmmm, vicodin). I have an appointment with a surgeon on the 14th to talk about surgery on my elbow. How'd I hurt it? Beats the fuck out of me...

So, I've started yet another diet, but it really isn't a diet, but it really is. Confused?

Last weekend, Laurie bought this book and I read it. What I liked about this book is that it explains the underlying physiological reasons as to why you overeat or crave certain foods and how to combat it. Unlike Dr. Phil (who I think is a total fucking tool), this guy is an ACTUAL Doctor! Medical school and everything! I've adopted the principals of the book and so far I'm doing pretty good. I've lasted longer on this than on anything else in the last two years. With the exception of a quasi-bad meal last night, I've been hitting pretty close to my food goals all week. I say quasi-bad because I split a bread pudding with Laurie (it was indescribably delicious). If you live in the Dallas area, you have to go to Fish City Grill. I don't know if it was because I was super hunger (we didn't eat until about 8:30), but that was probably the 2nd best seafood meal I've ever had (the first being a hole in the wall place in Mississippi this summer while driving to Florida).

My basal metabolic rate is about 3500 calories a day. This means if I do absolutely nothing different, my body uses 3500 calories a day just being Chris. Hey, it's a tough job, sweetie. If I want to lose weight, I need to keep my caloric intake lower than 3500 calories a day. How will I do that, you ask with baited breath? Let me show you, bitch.

I've set certain nutritional goals for myself using stuff I've read in the book and other crap on the web. Here's a breakdown of what I'm trying to hit:

Daily Calories: 1800-2000 (I'm trying to keep a mix of 30% Fat, 55% Carbs, 15% proteins which is the recommended ratios)

Fat: 60-66 grams per day (these should be GOOD fats like Omega-3 or other vegatable based fats--more detail below)

Carbs: 247-347 grams per day (good carbs, not sugars, processed carbs, etc--more detail below)

Protein: 69-241 grams per day (did you know semen is a good source of protein?)

Potassium: 3000-3500 mg per day

Calcium: 100-150% of the RDA

Vitamin C: 500-1000% of the RDA

Folate (& folic acid): 100-125% of the RDA

Vitamin E: 100-200% of the RDA

Laurie freaked when I told her how much fat I was supposed to eat, but that really is the right amount. So far, the ONLY night I hit that goal is when I ate that bread pudding last night. The majority of the fat I've been eating this week has come from nuts (hehehe, he said 'come from nuts'). I eat about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup of raw, mixed nuts a day (1/4 cup about 20 minutes before dinner--another 1/4 cup as a snack some days in the morning). I bought flaxseed oil, but I haven't used it on anything yet. So the goal is to get the bulk of your fat from omega 3s or flaxseed oil or olive oil or fish, etc. Those fats help clean your arteries, lower your cholesterol, and improve brain function.

With the carbs, the goal is to eat complex carbohydrates that are broken down by your body into sugar instead of eating sugars directly. So, pretty much nothing that has sugar, corn syrup, etc in the first three ingredients. I've stopped adding sugar to my oatmeal in the morning (I've changed to steel cut oats, which are frickin' great) and just put fruit in it. 100% whole wheat breads (which is trickier than it sounds--just because it says 100% wheat bread or Whole Wheat bread, doesn't mean it is 100% Whole Wheat). Lots of vegatables. Nothing with bleached flour. 100% whole wheat pasta, brown rice, etc. I can also eat a little dark chocolate a day, but I keep forgetting I've got it up in the pantry.

I'm pretty much giving up red meat (although it's only been a week), but we didn't eat much of that anyway. About the only red meat we ate was hamburger and we've been doing turkey burgers pretty much exclusively for the past couple of months after we found this bad ass recipe that has sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts (hehe, he said 'nuts' again) in the burgers. I've been eating a lot of boneless, skinless chicken. I've also gone back to making egg whites omelettes (which is actually just two egg whites and one whole egg--it's only 100 calories and 4 grams of fat for the whole thing) and I've switched to cage-free, grain feed brown eggs (uhm, the CHICKENS are cage free and feed grain, not the eggs). Not only are they better for you (and the chicken that laid them) they just taste better too.

For my veggies, I've also been trying to buy organic as much as possible. But I use the non-organic produce codes when I check out. Is that wrong? (of course, I'm kidding--but I do do that [hehe, he said 'doodoo'] with avocados)

I'm supposed to only drink two diet cokes a day, but come on...I've given up recreational drugs, drinking to excess, cigarettes, dipping Skoal, real tea, real Cokes, and inserting gerbils into my anus; I'm not cutting out the Coke Zeroes. I KNOW caffeine is bad for me. I KNOW that excess aspartame is converted to formaldehyde in your intestines. I don't give a fuck. I've cut down to about six a day, so that will have to be good enough.

I keep track of all this at Sparkpeople.com, which is a kick-ass site. You can track your food, nutrients, and exercise. There are thousands of recipes. It creates meal plans and shopping lists. There are tons of forums if you want to commiserate with other fat fucks out there. It makes this shit a lot easier. Here's my page, where you can see all my shiznit. What's with me and using mugshots for my internet profiles? Beats me, but the one over there is my second favorite. The first, of course, being the one here (who, for the sake of some of those who don't know, is Pee Wee Herman after he got arrested for bustin' out his playhouse in a movie theater).

I'm also trying to walk 30 minutes a day. Wednesday it was raining too much, so I rode an exercise bike for 27 minutes. Talk about brutal. I'm hoping that I can work back up to running those 2 miles every day, but I'm not close to getting there yet.

So wish me luck. I'm afraid that if I don't take action now, I'll probably be typing my blog from hell in about ten years.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 14:28:09 GMT

Laurie is pissed that Nick evicted last night. I feel bad for the dude...every one thought he was playing for multiple teams, but he wasn't. They'll find out aboot all of that crap once they watch the show when they get oot. With him being oot of the house, Laurie said she doesn't want to watch the live feed anymore (but she will---we seem to have traded sleep schedules, I'm oot around midnight and she's up and aboot until aboot 2am).

Huh? What's with all the "oots"? I don't know what you're talking aboot.

Last night was probably the best episode of BB for me because 1) Evel Dick is just insane in the mother fucking membrane. Dumping tea on Jen's head was fantastic (although she has grown on me over the past few weeks); 2) Nick's farewell speech to Danielle was great. Her boyfriend back home must just be going crazy (did you see him last week? What a fucking gomer). 3) Amber.

Dustin: Amber! We just got a new case of cokes in the fridge...

Amber: WAHHHHH

Kail: Amber, do you want some pizza for dinner?

Amber: WAHHHHH

Jen: I'm hot.

Amber: WAHHHH

Before the HoH competition started, Laurie said that she didn't care who won, as long as it wasn't Kail or Amber. The only thing Amber has a shot of winning is a crying or cock sucking contest. She's a total fucking cunt and I HATE her. Laurie has asked why I hate her so much and I can't really explain it. It's just a visceral reaction to her stupid fat face or maybe her disappearing eyebrows or her total lack of loyalty or integrity or her nasty permed hair. If I could reach through the TV and bash her tenhead in with a brick, I believe that I would be a very happy man.

I DO know who won the HoH (we watched some of the live feed last night), but I won't spoil it for you.

Last night was also a rough night on So You Think You Can Dance with Dominick going home. Little Leguizamo can fucking dance, yo. Cat looked so uncomfortable with him hanging on her. Eventually, he crawled up her leg and disappeared in her hoohah. Hopefully, they can find him before the tour starts. Sarah is a little hottie, but when she's in her wiggah clothes, she's got some fucked up man shoulders...how can she look so amazingly hot the night before in those slutty thigh-high boots (which would have only been ankle high on Cat) and so manly the next? And what the fuck was up with those Rerun hats and Fresh Prince clothes they subjected her and Danny (or He Who Shall Float Forever) to the night before?

And seriously, did everyone watch the same routine I did? Neil and Lacey's dance wasn't that great. I guarantee you if Mia Michaels hadn't said that the dance was about her and her dead Dad, everyone would have ripped them to shreds. That routine and Push It were clearly the two weakest.

The Gaying of Chris

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 19:06:19 GMT

I've got to stop watching gay-ass shows. I can't help it that I love this crap. So You Think You Can Dance is probably my second favorite show right now (taking a close second to Big Brother).

Does it stem from making fun of Mary? Every time she comes on the screen, I growl like a monster because she reminds me of Gossamer from Looney Tunes:

I think it comes from the totally hot chicks, including the sluttlicious Lacey and Jamie. I'd post pics of them but stupid Fox uses Flash for their recap pics. Fucking tools.

Maybe since I'm watching it for the chicks it's not so gay.

Hmm.

How I Spent My Friday.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 05:39:37 GMT

With about 1500 other crazy fuckers at Barnes & Noble.

"God Put Me On the Block So That I Would Understand How Strong I Am"

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 18:05:26 GMT

FADE IN:

INT. IMMENSE ROOM WITH WAVES OF FOG COVERING THE FLOOR. A FIGURE IN GLOWING ROBES SITS UPON AN ALABASTER THRONE. ENYA THROBS QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND. AN INFINITELY LONG LINE OF ANGELS CARRYING TABLET PCs SPIRAL AWAY FROM THE THRONE INTO THE DISTANCES. GOD IS LEANING TOWARDS PETER, WHO IS STANDING BESIDE HIM.

GOD

OK Pete, what's going on today.

PETER:

Well, we finally got through to the new Pope and let him know

that we're still not happy about the breach in Christianity.

God:

Good. He did make it clear that only Catholics will go to heaven,

right? Those Baptists just make my skin crawl.

Peter:

Absolutely. We're also still on target for 2nd quarter '09 for

the all latin masses as well.

God:

Sweet. Alright, let's do this.

Peter:

(shouting)

Alright people...remember that you only get 30 seconds, so make 'em count.

ANGEL ONE:

Betsy Smithers is a ten year old girl from Detroit. She's praying that her mother

stop smoking crack and stops "ho-ing" her self out to pay for the drug.

God:

Hmmm. There's been a lot of those crack requests lately. I'm getting a little tired

of all this crack nonsense. OK; here's the plan. I want the supply in Detroit, New York

and DC tainted with strychnine.

Peter:

But won't that kill a lot of drug users.

God:

Granted, it's tough love, but for every crackhead that dies, it's going to stop three others.

OK, what's next.

ANGEL TWO:

Wanda Thompson is praying that her eight year old daughter makes a quick recovery

from her chemotherapy sessions. She has an aggressive form of lymphoma.

God:

Jesus Christ.

JESUS:

Yeah, Dad?

God:

(sigh) It's an expression boy. Just shut up and go back to braiding your hair.

How many times have I told you guys. I'm sick of all these fucking cancer

kid requests. Are the wigs not enough? They not enjoying the camps that

I made Britney Spears opens? Look, I'm a dad too. I get it. But, come on!

Parents today are to namby-pamby with their kids.

Peter:

Isn't that a bit harsh, Chief?

God:

Harsh? Dude, I killed every baby in Egypt just to prove a point! I killed

literally every living creature on earth except for Noah and his freaky family

just because I was having a bad month.

The next person to bring me a me-damned cancer kid prayer is going to

wish they had the cancer.

ANGEL THREE:

My request is from, um, Amber on Big Brother. She, um, really really

wants to win.

God:

(looks around at the masses)

Now that's what I talking about. Woot! Amber's the one that burned

off her eyebrows, right?

Angel Three:

Yes sir. She's also the one that has undescended testicles.

God:

Oh yeah, I remember her...she looks like Manson, no?

Let's have a little fun, here.

Peter:

What do you mean, chief?

God:

Ok. We can't just let her win. We need to mess with people's minds

first. Hmm.

Angel Three:

What if we trick her into thinking that she's going to be evicted,

but then at the last minute make everyone vote for Carol?

God:

Brilliant. Number one: It will make her realize that she is stronger

than she thinks she is. Number two: it will lull her into a sense

of security and then we can spring our greatest surprise.

Peter:

You don't mean...

God:

Yep...we're going to bring back Jayce. That was one crazy mother fucker.

FADE TO BLACK.

Separated At Birth?

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 01:36:58 GMT

First Eviction

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 19:13:03 GMT

Stupid houseguests...they voted out the hottie!

I totally realized who Amber reminds me of...I'm keeping that secret for now. I'll try to post it this weekend. I don't know why, but I just fucking hate her.

I really don't have a good recap for you today.

I AM enjoying the show thus far, however it typically gets much better once they're below the 10 contestant mark...

Suck It Gecko

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 14:41:00 GMT

This is pretty funny. Here's a quick excerpt:

A LETTER TO
OPTIMUS PRIME
FROM HIS GEICO
AUTO INSURANCE
AGENT.

BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER

- - - -

Dear Mr. Prime,

We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings."

Get the rest here: http://mcsweeneys.net/2007/7/9weaver.html

Slave Contract

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 21:26:13 GMT

Words can't express how much I truly love The Smoking Gun.

This is one of the best yet.

"In addition to an adequate supply of clean panties, the slave will keep several pair of recently soaked panties available and will replace them at any time should they lose their aromatic value."

Bwahahahahaha.

Big Brother 8: JENtercourse

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:12:20 GMT

Week one rambles on. So far, I've haven't really jumped on anyone's bandwagon. I kinda like Carol, but that's just because I think she's the hottest chick in the house. However, every time she comes on the screen, I think "What is she? Is she black? Is she white? Is she deliciousy mulatto?" It really doesn't matter, but it distracts me to no end.

Last night was the first of Ratzo Rizzo's challenges as "America's Contestant". I have to ask again, why this fuck? If I were him, I'd be a little pissed about the fact that he has to vote the way the viewers want, because that could potentially fuck up his alliances. Anyway, his "challenge" last night was stupid. Potentially, it could have been fucking dynamite, but he sucked ass with his. Number one, he was totally fucking lame when asking Kail to go upstairs to talk. He should have just brought it up during some other type of conversation. I thought it was funny that he used Danielle as a starting point to talk about a girlfriend that had an eating disorder and dumped him, but there were so many better stories that he could have used. Here's one: He feels close to Kail because she reminds him of his mother, who was kidnapped, tortured over the course of a week, and then killed by a serial killer. Or another: That he's uncomfortable with Nick because he looks like the camp counselor that molested him as a child. THAT could have been good for some major drama.

Speaking of drama, my favorite ~~whore~~ nanny caused some when she started getting jealous that Nick was flirting with Danielle and told everyone that he tried to kiss her and that she turned him down.

She is SO that chick that would fuck you, save your semen, then later visciously abuse her vajayjay and spread your week old seed all over her and then cry rape.

People are starting to REALLY hate her. They're even getting annoyed at her t-shirts which have her name in it: "JENious", "JENsational", "JENsa Member", "JENtly Sucking Your Cock for Money", etc.

I'm still not certain if she really IS that dumb and vapid or if it's an inJENious act (see what I did there? I incorporated her puns into my entry! Hahaha...What? Oh...it's dumb. *Sniff* My bad.)

Last night was also the first Veto challenge, which I must say has been one of the better ones that I've seen over the years. Wow, they totally fucked that house up when doing that hide & seek shit. Danielle was pretty smart to hide hers in the slop pot. My plan would have been to put it at the bottom of the garbage can or in the toilet tank.

I was hoping that Carol would win, just because I want to keep seeing her around the house in those hot little cheerleader shorts, but Danielle pulled it out...of course, she didn't use it though.

Here's one beef I have with the producers of Big Brother. This Lucy with the football shit is ridiculous. Quit doing false foreshadowing of someone using the veto you know that they won't. You've been doing it for years and they NEVER fucking deliver. It's a wasted effort and just pisses me off. Have it pay off at least once in a while so that it's somewhat unpredictable.

I miss Big Brother All Stars. The past two years have just been outstanding...this year's hasn't really delivered yet.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Postscript

++++++++++++++++

How did I totally forget about that cunt, Amber. Praying to God to help her? God is watching you and is on your side? Somone needs to smack that bitch upside her Herman Munster face.

Starving African Kid: click-tick-tock-snop-pop-click-click-tick-tock-tock

(TRANSLATION: Dear God, we're very hungry. My baby brother is sick and needs medicine. Without it, he will die. Please send a doctor to us, or at least some clean water so that we can hydrate ourselves. We have to get dysentery infected water from the same watering hole that antelopes piss in. That's all we need, just some clean water. I'm a good boy and I've never asked you for anything before. Please help us, Saviour. Father Thomas talks about how loving and benevolent you are.)

GOD: Sorry, Yngwie. Amber needs me to swing the votes her way...your starving village will have to wait until she makes it to the final four.

Starving African Kid: click-tick-tick-tick-uhhhhhh

(TRANSLATION: But we're going to....child slumps over, dead.)