Diary of a Fat Man: American Idol

It's Sanjayarific

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 03:12:34 GMT

1) When did J-Lo become an authority on singing? Isn't this the same bitch that sang "Jenny from the Block?

2) Haley knows what's going to keep her on the show, and it ain't her larynx. It rhymes with "its" and starts with a "T"

3) Jordin Sparks is h-o-t. She's my favorite...and not because she's a hot, unattainable plus sized model. That's just a bonus. Hello Mr. Stalker.

4) Blake needs to start beat boxin' again.

5) Holy shit. Sanjaya was decent tonight. I thought Paula was going to climb up on stage and get a sparsely grown mustache ride. I bet Laurie $5 that he was going to sing La Vida Loca. That would have been sweet.

American Idol Celebrity Interview

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 15:06:29 GMT

On Tuesday, April 3 2007, a production assistant for American Idol inadvertently aired raw footage from Tony Bennett's pre-show interview.

The following is an unedited transcript of that interview.

American Idol Producer (AIP): Ok, Tony. We're going to ask you questions about each of the contestants and the footage we're shooting today will be played in between each of their performances. Ok?

Tony Bennet (TB): Got it. And it's "Mr. Bennett", capice?

AIP: Uhm, yes sir.

TB: Good. Remember your place, son.

AIP: What do you think about Blake?

TB: He's that blonde kid, right?

AIP: Yes

TB: I'll say this; the kid's got talent. He sang "Mack the Knife" for me, but it didn't have any oompf. I told him "It's 'Mack the Knife', not 'Mack the Fairy.' Put some meat on the song, kid." Jeeze Louise, he was singin' it like he was that fruity band, what's the name...oh, Goldplay. Yeah, he was singin' it like Goldplay.

AIP: I think that's "Coldplay" Mr. Bennett.

TB: Alright, Coldplay. I'd advise you to watch your tone, mister.

AIP: Next up is Phil Stacey.

TB: That's the bald kid, right?

AIP: Yes sir.

TB: That kid has got some chops on him. He seems a little weak at the start of the song, but when he hits his stride, he reminds me of Sinatra.

AIP: Wow, that's some compliment, Mr. Bennet. I'm sure Phil will be happy to hear the comparison to Frank Sinatra.

TB: Frank? Are you crazy? I was talkin' about NANCY Sinatra, not Frank. Maybe Frank JR, but nobody sounds like Ol' Blue Eyes.

AIP: Next up is Melinda Doolittle.

TB: She's not bad...for a darkie. Not bad at all.

AIP: Uhhmmm

TB: You know, I was with a lot of colored girls back in the fifties. Man, oh man, did they know how to have a good time. We'd throw back a few glasses of scotch, smoke a little reefer, see where it went from there. But, man, some of those girls were impertinent! Come on! I mean just because I banged ya, doesn't mean you can clean yourself off in my bathroom. Go downstairs and use the colored's bathroom.

AIP: Wow...Next up is Chris Richardson.

TB: He's that kid that looks like that guy who was bangin' that crazy blonde broad that shaved her head, right? Jason Timberline? Kevin Federlake? What's that kid's name?

AIP: Kevin Federline?

TB: Nah, that's not it.

AIP: Justin Timberlake?

TB: That's not quite right either. Justin Timberline, yeah, that's it.

AIP: Those are two different people, Mr. Bennett. Justin Timberlake dated Britney Spears and Kevin Federline was MARRIED to Britney Spears.

TB: I told you to watch your tone, son.

AIP: Sorry.

TB: Anyway, nice looking kid. Needs to work on memorizing the lyrics before he comes in and wastes my time, but other than that, good job.

AIP: Next is Jordin Sparks.

TB: Mmm. What a looker. What a talent. She's still a little naive. I asked her if she wanted a world tour and when she said "yes", I introduced her to my Roman hands and Russian fingers. Heigh-oh.

AIP: Dear god, Mr. Bennett. Jordin's only seventeen!

TB: Hey, it's like the Pope always said, "If there's grass on the field, play ball!"

AIP: Please, let's move along. Gina Glockson.

TB: What a freak. Did you see that metal thing through her tongue? What the hell is that?

AIP: It's a tongue piercing.

TB: Why would someone do that? She was OK. She reminds me of that kid, Pat Benecart. A little edgy, but that's not so bad sometimes. I think she'd give up the back door, if you know what Tony Bennet's saying.

AIP: Okay. Sanjaya Malakar.

TB: Man, what a total sweetheart. That kid has charisma, charm, and a lot of talent. I'm telling you that girl is going far in the business.

AIP: Mr. Bennett...

TB: And that cute little mustache of hers? Reminds me of my dear mama.

AIP: Mr. Bennett, Sanjaya is male!

TB: You take that back! How dare you? I've still got connections, punk. I could have you whacked. I've killed many for less, you little fairy.

AIP: HALEY Scarnato, Mr. Bennet. Please tell me about Haley Scarnato!

TB: She sang "Ain't Misbehavin'", but I had to tell her about the lyrics. It's about a girl singing to one guy, not the entire Navy fleet! She tramped the song up and it just didn't work for me. If she wants to spread her legs for every guy she sees in real life, that's her thing. But don't be a slut for THAT song. It's just wrong. I'll say this, she looks like she could suck a pumpkin through mail slot. Nice cans...Oh, great legs too.

AIP: Last up is Lakisha.

TB: Another good colored girl. I liked her style. She had a beginning, middle, AND an end. To many kids today skip the end and just have a beginning and a middle.

I remember when Sammy came along, he would have a middle and an end, but skip the beginning. So one day I says to him, I says "Sammy! You GOT to have all three! A beginning, a middle, AND the end!"

He says to me, with that cocked up eye and swagger, "Tony, babe. I'm too cool to begin. I just slide right up to the middle, and the end just follows." Even then, Sammy was a musical prophet. Skip the beginning? Who knew?

AIP: Thank you Mr. Bennet.

Donkey, Meet Melinda Doolittle

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 05:52:32 GMT

This is what happens when you're in a stupid kind of mood. Forgive the poor photoshopping skills...I'm a little rusty.

AI Recap

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 18:15:45 GMT

OK. So check this out. Now that the "merge" has happened, AI is starting to interest me again. It's just too much to digest when you have them separated.

Here's my pick for the top two:

Blake

and Jordan.

They are far and away the most viable contestants. Lakisha Jones can sing like a mother fucker, but she's very old school.

And this chick?

Spike up her hair and throw an emerald in her navel and you get this:

Jeezus, I've never seen nostrils that large on a biped since my last trip to the zoo.

I've joined the keep Sanjaya bandwagon. I laughed during his entire song...literally to the point where I almost passed out. I was dizzy and I couldn't catch my breath. Holy fucking shit is he entertaining.

I thought it was so nice that they gave so much airtime to that little retarded girl in the audience that was so touched by Sanjaya that she was crying. They must save the first rows for the Special Olympics kids. That's so thoughtful of them to keep putting that little retarded girl on there. Hmm? What? She's NOT retarded? Nah, you're joshing me again. Clearly she's retarded. I mean, look at those funky braces and sloped brow. Who else would cry not only during Sanjaya's performance, but also during Melindas? Surely you jest.

Back to Sanjaya. If he makes it again, please please please please please vote to keep him in. I almost kinda feel bad about the level of ridicule he's enduring, but he asked for it. I told Laurie he's be the perfect type for the new Menudo that's coming out, except the whole "spanish speaking" stuff. Maybe he could create an Indian version of Menudo and call it Curry.

Laurie tells me I'm mean, but I just can't keep that kind of shit to myself. I mean, what am I supposed to do when this whore comes on?

Not call her a whore? Don't be ridiculous. A skank is a skank, my friends. *sniff* anyone else smell Nikki Mckibbin?

I'll admit, this dude's kinda funny.

Bringing chubby back? Nice...but you may want to opt for a bigger tie, tubby. He's like Adam Duritz after a losing a fight with the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.

I've got time for one more. Could this dude be any whiter?

Who knew that Powder could sing? He thinks he's Chris Daughtry. He's no Chris Daughtry.

Here's one tip for you, Phil. Leave some stubble either on your head or on your face. Nothing is odder than a pasty white dude with jet black eyebrows who's shaved closer than his wife's va-jay-jay (oh and freebie to your wife: please stop plucking your eyebrows. You look like you have a perpetual question, Riddler).

Idol Musings

Wed, 03 May 2006 14:01:44 GMT

Another night of Idol down and we're quickly coming to the close of another season. Last night's Idol was, you know, a'ight. It was pitchy in a few places. I don't know. It just didn't do it for me, but it was, you know, a'ight.

See what I did there? That was SO Randy, dog.

Man, I usually say how much the judges annoy me, but jeez they were way low key last night. Paula must have been off her meds last night, because she just sat there like a frump. Where were the tears? Where were the crazy ass comments? I feel let down.

I also feel let down by the performances last night. It's a damn good thing they got to sing two songs, because the word "choke" comes to mind in a couple of cases.

Elliot: Elliot is back with his bed linen tie and suit jacket. Tip #5323: if you're going to wear the oversized tie, bitch, button your top button and pull the tie to it's full and upright position. Performance wise, Elliot was pretty good in a "you'll never get me Lucky Charms" kind of way. But damn; he was one ass-ugly kid. I hated his first song...I just HATE that song period, so it wasn't him. Second song was really good, although Simon made me laugh with the whole "I wanna go home" statement.

Paris: I just don't like this girl. If you're old enough to shake your ass the way she has done over the past few weeks, you're old enough not to sound like Mickey Mouse. But, was anyone else depressed with the year she was born? Holy crap, I was in High School. That whole high-voiced act is working my last nerve. Simon was dead on with his comment "Screeching". You go, brit man.

Cat: Holy shit that first song was horribly bad. No one can sing that song except for Phil Collins. The tempo sucked, her voice was rough, and she didn't hit the notes. But, she more than made up for it with the second song. The second performance was sexy and playful and utterly enjoyable. Definitely my favorite for the night and I'm not just saying that because I want to pollute her body, which I do, by the way.

Chris: Good first performance; great song choice for him. Second song...not so much (see what I did there again!!). Homeboy's voice was going out on him, but it was STILL a pro caliber job. I've heard MUCH worse from people that make millions a year.

Taylor: Simon hated it, but come on--he fucking killed with Play That Funky Music White Boy. Good second performance too.

I don't know if it was just a non-memorable show or if I just am too tired to write anything decent today, but I'm done.

My rank of the performances last night:

1) McPhee's 2nd

2) Taylor's 1st

3) Chris' 1st

4) Taylor's 2nd

5) Elliot's 2nd

6) Chris' 2nd

7) Elliot's 1st

8) McPhee's 1st

9) Paris' 2nd

10) Paris' 1st

American Idol Post

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 16:26:32 GMT

AI just gets better every week. Better performances, more boobies, more things to ridicule.

I say this every week, but Paula Abdul is a train wreck. The fat guy from The Daily Buzz said it best this morning: "Is Paula on the judge's chair or barbituates?" Quick aside-does anyone else watch that show? It's on UPN in the morning...it used to be on in the morning when I woke up because the TiVO tapes The King of Queens in the middle of the night and it just stays to that channel. But, I've come to love the show. It's so funny and not the typical morning news show.

Back to Paula. At the start of the show, I thought she LOOKED like she was going to be coherent, but I guess she smoked some creeper bud, because by the time the performances started, she was whacked out of her airfilled skull. Rambling statements, tear filled confessions of watching and rewatching Elliot's past performances, her weird stomping "I Love You" to Chris...it's remarkable television.

Anyone else REALLY creeped out by blind people who don't wear dark shades? Fuck dude, tapes those lids shut...

I don't know what kind of sound system the judges listened to, but they need to tweak it. They ripped apart my girl, McPhee. They said that by singing "I Have Nothing" she was comparing herself to the cracked out stylings of Whitney and that she wasn't as good as her. I say to you, "Bullshit, kind sir." She fucking hit that song and did a great job, but then again who am I to judge? Oh, just a person that actually BUYS (or steals) music. Oh well. And she looked boobie-licious to boot. If her dress was slit another 1/2 inch, we would have been able to tell how well she grooms her little McPhee. That deserves ten votes just in itself.

If there could be an award for the person who has improved the most since the beginning of the season, I would give it to Elliott. He still reminds me of the WB frog, but that cat can sing. He looked stylish (except for the fucked up grill and the tie that was made from bedsheets) and seemed more confident in his performance this week.

"Singing Paris" is good. She sounds a lot like Lauren Hill, but she has some weird vocal affectation that diminishes her performance. "Talking Paris" is an annoying twit, but that could be just because she's only seventeen (she needs to avoid Kip Winger like the plague then). Laurie and I concur that she needs to be the next to go. She's only seventeen and has a lifetime ahead of her. She's too young to win.

Kelly Pickler. Kelly. Fucking. Pickler. She's either the smartest and most talented actress EVER to be on Fox Television or she's the dumbest piece of white trash to ever crawl her way out of a trailer. I still haven't figured out which she is. Dear God, that had to have been the worst performance I've ever had the misfortune to hear. I'd rather jerk off with a piece of sandpaper than hear that awful song again. That said, she STILL sings better than Britney Spears, so she conceivable has a career ahead of her because she does have a likable personality. Laurie and I think that she would probably be good on some type of variety show, ala Barbara Mandrell.

Taylor picked a song I love (it always reminds me of one of the greatest T&A comedies of the 80's, The Last American Virgin), but it wasn't a good choice for him because he KILLS on big songs, but doesn't sound as good on the softer parts. He even worked in his clap/head flip move which always entertains me. He didn't get in the clap/head flip/"WOOO" move, but you takes what ya gets.

That brings us to Chris. I've used my best lines on Heather's blog, but since she's private, most of you probably didn't get to read it, so I'll pretend that it's not a recycled line. After watching Chris' performance twice (Laurie made me rewind it again--fucking slut), I said that all across America, panties just became noticably more damp. The guy is a fucking rock star. Perfect song for him, amazing performance. Laurie said that she felt bad for the dude's wife, cuz she's going to be the first thing gone when he gets his record deal. He's going to get more pussy than an gynecologist.

All in all, I love American Idol. What pisses me off though, is how Paula's opinions seem to mirror Randy's almost everytime and whenever Simon disagrees, they overtalk him. If I were him, I would have knocked those Spiderman-eyes-looking glasses off of Randy and then killed Paula with Randy's satellite dish sized watch.