Diary of a Fat Man: Daily Whining

Mexico Sucks

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:51:38 GMT

Greetings from the deadest border town EVER. I'm stuck in a Holiday Inn in Harlingen Texas. What's there to do here? Not a fucking thing. I'm so bored I don't even want to drink any of the tequila I bought in Mexico a few hours ago.

Since I was so close to the border, I thought I'd hop over, eat a great meal, and then do a little shopping. Little did I know that 1) my flight would be delayed over an hour; 2) that I'd get lost on the way to the hotel (another 30 extra minutes); 3) that the town I went to (Nuevo Progresso) was d-e-a-d on a Tuesday night. All of the shops closed by the time I finished dinner (started: 7:40, end: 8:00). My meal SUCKED. There was only one other table occupied and it was a group of obnoxious norte americanos. I could have had better food at Taco Bell.

The only plus was the cheapo stuff I bought from the one shop that was still open. I got Chloe a piggy bank and Evan a bullwhip (don't ask). I bought a liter of very high quality Tequila (Herradura Reposado) for $38 (they don't even sell this one in the US, but the comparable one they do runs about $58 for the same quantity). I'm tempted to crack it open and sample it, but I don't want that shit leaking in my bag when I go home.

I'm still alive (obviously). My work is going well. My travel is kind of sporadic. I will go 3 weeks without a trip and then have to go three different places in less than one week, all of them pretty much last minute.

Thursday, I'm off to the Panhandle. Then Laurie and I are taking the kids on a mini-vacation to San Antonio on Friday. We're going to hit Schlitterbahn (the best water park in the world) on Friday; we're going to go tubing on the Guadalupe River on Saturday; and then do the drive through safari on the way home Sunday.

I'll Drink Your Milkshake.

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 03:04:15 GMT

Holy crap, I'm tired.

I thought I'd have more time to update this pathetic blog, but I haven't. I've been working my big, fat ass off.

My new job is outstanding, but a lot of work. I've been in San Antonio for the past 12 days! I worked 105 hours this past week! We finished up "early" tonight and I was back at the hotel at 6pm after "only" 11 hours today.

Fuck me sideways. I haven't even been able to watch TV, although I did break down and buy lost from iTunes last week (and I may grab this one's tonight since the oscars kind of blow.

I'll be on my way home tomorrow and rubbing one out in my own house for the first time in almost two weeks. Yipee!

Thankfully, it hasn't been all chris-fist-fest. I had super-groovy fuck making last night, all right? America is great!

My brain is dead, but my bank account is fucking PHAT, beeyotch. Heelllloooo new air conditioner for the house!

Marissa: I've only watched ONE Big Brother so far. I will be catching up on TiVo this week!

I give you my word that I will try to update more. Sometime. Soon?

Must sleep.

Gimme More

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:03:58 GMT

Time sure flies when you're a miserable SOB, doesn't it? I can't believe it's been over a month since my last update. I guess I'm just out of shit to say. How many times can I write "I'm so fat. I can't stop eating. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Internet lesbian pussy?"

Apparently HUNDREDS of times, bitches. That's my bread and butter. (mmm, bread and butter)

I'll try my best to avoid bullet points, heavy indents, parenthetical asides (yeah, like that's going to happen), and other such nonesuch in this entry, but I'm a bit rusty (like a trombone, perhaps?) See, I told warned you about those dirty little parenthetical asides. They creep up on you like that sneaky little Vietnamese dude that lives next door to your crazy Uncle Chuck, you know, the uncle that has flashbacks whenever he goes to the mailbox and sees Pho Duc Nguyen through the picket fence that he jokingly calls the DMZ.

I can't even really remember the last time I had an update that filled you (that's the royal "you") in on what's going on in the flab of flesh otherwise known as "Chris". Plenty of TV posts; some quick drive-by type updates, but nothing substantial.

Christ, it's hard not busting out the bullet points for rest of this.

Over the past few months I've discovered that I'm in need of some serious fucking therapy. Or it's quite possible that how I've been feeling is a side affect of not blogging (which has been self-reflective and pretty therapeutic in the past). I just feel…blah. There are moments when I get excited about things (like the spur of the moment purchase of a strobe light & fog machine and constructing a fog chiller for my front porch the day before Halloween or my marathon reading sessions), but for the most part, I'm just coasting along through the day wishing I were either asleep or alone. Instead, I still go to sleep late, wake up early, and spend the day doing a job I'm bored with and then go home and spend time with my family. Sigh.

We've had a busy summer/autumn. A vacation to Florida in June, a couple of trips to LA (Louisiana, not LaLa Land), and camping. I've got lots of pics posted to Flickr, but haven't been motivated enough to spend time annotating them.

I've also been reading way too much lately, much to the dismay of my TiVO. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing papoo, paPOO, PAPOO (damn, aural humor is so tough to pull off with text).

That's all for now. I'll try to post more this weekend.

Time Keeps On Slippin

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 21:07:52 GMT

I promise I will post something soon.

Well, kinda promise.

I've just been really busy.

That is all for now.

Pٻssy

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 23:39:21 GMT

Hiya fucknuts.

Guess who's back? Back again. Fatman's back. Tell a friend.

The past month has flown by. It's been a whirlwind of cleaning, waiting, calling, waiting, shopping, waiting, installing, assembling, masturbating, and more waiting.

I've been living like a fucking refugee for over a month, but it's pretty much come to an end. My floors were finished yesterday...a few days behind schedule thanks to the tiling guys, but that's finally done. The only outstanding item is a new vanity for my bathroom. They had to order it and it will be in this Friday.

Here's a rundown of what that ONE little broken hose ending up costing:

Water extraction::$6500.00
General Contractor::$4500.00
Floor Removal/Replacement::$5800.00
Personal Possesions::$5500.00

Roughly $22,300. Thank god for insurance. My out of pocket was $500 for my deductible and then about $800 to upgrade the carpet. I still have cheap ass carpet (about $1.80 a sq foot), but it looks amazing and is quit nice. And no, Heather, it's not berber...I'm white trash, not tacky.

Oh, I almost forgot that I spent about $1500 to buy new appliances for the kitchen (dishwasher, stove, microwave). I REALLY need a new fridge, but the one I want is like two grand.

I'll post pics sometime this week. I'll blog more now that things are settling down (and American Idol is warming up...can you say "drunken Paula"?).

Time to go now...

Oh, I'm going to try to make all my titles dirty from now on using whatever means to sneak it past M$.

This entry's title contains language that is prohibited. Please delete the prohibited language from the title of the entry.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 22:29:14 GMT

Since I'm still so "busy", this is something to keep your interests up. This is what happens when you 1) carry a stuffed cat to your daughter's room while b) cleaning up flood mess, while iii)jamming to Slayer and [%] have access to a digital camera with video capabilities.

More to come soon...I promise! Really.

FYI, titling a post "Pretty Pussycat" while get you the title of this post.

Where's My F'ing Ark

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 18:24:25 GMT

The water hose that goes to my washing machine busted sometime yesterday morning. It spewed forth voluminous amounts of water for over eight hours. It used to take me a day and a half to fill up my swimming pool using two hoses, yet this one little cocksucker completely flooded my house in less than ten hours. There was water up to the top of the baseboards in all of the rooms that aren't carpeted (laundry, kitchen, both bathrooms). Even in most of the carpeted areas, the water level was over the carpet. When you you took a step in carpeted areas, the water would flood out over your shoes. My front sidewalk was covered in water and the water flooded my driveway to the point where there was water up a few inches on the tires of the car.

I have pics of everything, but I left my camera over at my mother-in-law's house. I'll post pics when I can.

Everything in my house is fucking destroyed. Both couches, the recliners, my wood tables, the oak entertainment center, my pine computer armoire, The wood furniture in Evan's room, the TV stand in my room. We're hoping Chloe's stuff is ok, but we're not sure. Her bed is over fifty years old and was Laurie's mom's bed when she was a kid....the same with her dresser.

What's funny is that the big stuff doesn't really upset me. It's the stupid little stuff like a bunch of our board games that were in the hall closet. Evan's gameboy and his new hyperscan game. Chloe's Hide & Seek Sammy dog that she got for Christmas and didn't even get to play with yet because I've forgotten to pick up the batteries every time I go to the store.

I'm super glad that we keep our pictures up high because it would have been devastating to loose any of that stuff.

Right now, there are 20 fans and three industrial sized dehumidfiers in my house. The restoration company said it will take about three to five days to dry everything out.

The insurance company has said that they will reimburse me if I stay in a hotel, but I would have to pay for it first and then be reimbursed. But, I'm down to $200 in checking now that I had to pay $500 to the restoration company (my insurance deductible), so it looks like it's back to the in-law's couch again tonight. Mother. Fucker. I REALLY missed my TIVO last night.

TTFN.

Time Killer

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 19:13:34 GMT

If you want to kill an hour laughing, read this. That stuff is why I'm glad I don't work in retail anymore.

Hot for Teacher

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 21:52:15 GMT

Last night, Laurie got a call from one of her friends from high school. Laurie pretty much never answers the phone if it's one of her friends, so it went to the answering machine. She didn't hear the message and had me replay it:

"Hey Laurie, this is Paula. Oh. My. God. Do I have some news for you. I guess John Doe [obviously not his real name] got arrested today...for CHILD MOLESTATION. Call me!"

John Doe (yep, still not his real name--I could give a shit about protecting his identity; this is just a smallish way to keep this post from popping up if someone googles dipshit's name) was one of Laurie's friends from high school. He is (or should I say, WAS) a high school football coach. Apparently, he's been banging one of the fifteen year old girls that goes to his school for the past year or so. He got caught because the girls parent's found "salacious" text messages on her phone. What a moron.

He was one of the few friends from high school that Laurie kept in touch with, at least until about five years ago.

Anyway, what makes this story funny (to me, anyways) is that this guy is (or is supposed to be) one of these super-religious uber-christians. He was the teacher that sponsored the Fellowship of Christian Athletes at his school (quick aside...how do you know your coach is a southern christian? Athlete has three syllables.) He was one of those obnoxious fucks that signs his emails (and I'm assuming letters too) with "In his name".

Dude, I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't give a fuck that you're dedicating every mispelled, CAPS LOCK RIDDEN, spellcheck lacking email to his honor. The last time he and Laurie talked, he and his wife were about to have their first baby. Not only was he scumbaggy enough to fuck around on his wife, now she (and the little kid too) has to live with the shame of seeing him plastered all over the news and newspapers.

I get a ridiculously intense sense of pleasure when I see evangelical christians (really, any offensively zealous person) get busted for doing some really shady business. I loathe their smug sense of superiority and self-rightousness. It's just so fulfilling to see them to get reamed by the press.

What's icing on the hypocrisy muffin is that they aren't just doing some borderline activity like secretly blogging about wanting to bang co-workers or ,god forbid, the eighteen (please??) year old sluts from their church. These cretins are the Ted Haggards of the world, who publicly condemn gay couples who want to marry while he is smoking ice and fisting gigolos...these are the guys being busted by Dateline NBC for soliciting minors...these are the trusted priests that want to stick more than a bit of Eucharist on our prepubescent tongues...these are the leaders of society that piously pontificate from their podiums while taking bribes...these are the people that we mistakenly trust our kids to during Sunday School or little league games.

I guess I just have a hard time trusting anyone who blindly puts ALL their faith with some intangible magician that no one has seen or heard from in a couple of millenium. Is that bad? I mean, when you think about it, if you REALLY follow what Christ said, you should cut your ties with everyone and spend your time praying and prosetylizing. So if you want to be a REAL Christian, WTF are you doing with your family? I also don't remember anything in the NT that nullifies the rules of the OT. Drop that ham sandwich, bitch. Milk and fish? You're about to burn in HELL...oh, I forget, the Jews don't believe in Hell. You do know that you're Jewish, right? You're just not a good one.

I guess my point is that if you are going to be all holier than thou, then actually be holy. Get rid of all of your possessions, your family, your friends, and do nothing but focus on your God. Otherwise, you're just being a hypocritical and quite annoying asshole.

In his name,

Chris

More TEase

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 18:28:12 GMT

I just keep teasing y'all about a good post. I'll put out eventually...

I've been sick most of the week. Monday was HELL. I didn't participate in any of the family's Christmas activities because I was battling some stomach virus. I was puking and other things all day long and only got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I thought I was better Wednesday and went to work, but only lasted about 30 minutes before puking here. I'm finally back to work today, but I'm still a bit nauseated. The only good thing is that I have a four day weekend due to New Year's Day and the fact that federal offices are shutdown on Tuesday due to Gerald Ford's funeral. Yay death!

I'm going to split a little early today too. God, I hope I'm better by Sunday. I can't take another sober New Year's Eve.

Merry Christmas

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 16:05:09 GMT

Merry Christmas...

My christmas gift to you is in the video player above.

ONE: Cut a hole in the box...

What kind of train carries gum? A choo-choo train...

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 21:59:46 GMT

My self-imposed picture prohibition was cracked yet again and I was forced to take a pic with my mother-in-law. I just noticed the totally unplanned finger gesture on my part. Even my subconcious mind is fucking vulgar. And note my new Uncle Fester-ish profile...jesus, somebody get the fucking fork out of my hand.

We took the kids to the North Pole Express this morning. Lots of pics up at Flickr (just click one of the pics up top and it will dump you into my photostream). More details forthcoming.

I'm leaving in about 2 hours to go see the Stars play tonight. I'll post those pics tonight too. And I just might have to type something up for a change. I was going to last night, but surprise, surprise, Ms. Bunny, I got me a piece of ass last night instead. Merry Christmas to me!

Ladadeedadadaaa

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 16:40:54 GMT

Heather and Jen say that it's taking forever to load with the new design. Anyone else having the same problem? I'm asking not because I don't believe them (or at least I believe Jen, Heather lies like SATAN...jk), but because it loads FASTER on my machine than the last version of the site did.

See, I told you I"m easily distracted.

Mr. Boomspastic

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 01:08:40 GMT

Ehem, I don't think I'm going to put out tonight, sweetie. I started feeling really pukey while driving home. I'm going to go lay down.

In the meantime, if you want to laugh, click the Robin Sparkles Youtube vid above. It's from one of my favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother. Having fun is what it's all aboot.

I fucking love the Canadians.

Mr. Bombastic

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 23:31:42 GMT

I've been trying to update all day, but this time I was distracted by changing the whole color scheme here at Che Fatty. Today is my last day until next Wednesday (yay, Christmas!)

Anyway, I'm MAY post tonight. Laurie's going somewhere with someone from work (likely story), so once my buzz kicks in and I'm feeling verbose, I'll try my best to throw some funny up here instead of tossing one off to freebie porn promos.

No promises, bitch.

Like Getting A Reacharound

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 18:18:40 GMT

I saw this on Neil Gaiman's blog. Not only is the Unsuggester super-duper cool, the hole Librarything is amazingly cool. This is one of those "why didn't I think of that" things that will make me puke when the company is sold for millions of dollars.

The fun part will be adding all my books to the damn thing. I've been procrastinating over cleaning up my book list from the past year and a half, but this is cool enough to put me over the edge.

See, THESE are the things that keep me from posting. I was going to spend my lunch crafting a funny and intriguing piece for y'all...now I'll be fucking around on this site.

Blame them, not me....

Ice!

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 19:32:12 GMT

Those of you that are long term readers may remember my visit to Ice! (yes, it still has the totally obnoxious exclamation point). Well, there was a return visit this year and we brought the kids this time.

Here are the pics. This year's pictures are a lot better due to the new camera. Some are a still blurry due to my shaking hands (damn withdrawals).

I'm making chocolate truffles today. If they look halfway decent, I'll throw some pics up.

Tata peeps.

WTF?

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 15:58:07 GMT

I don't know why, but this just made me laugh when I was going through the stats:

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=SNYI,SNYI:2005-08,SNYI:en&q=she+came+to+me+on+a+warm+summer+breeze

Scream for me blogsphere!

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 19:36:58 GMT

I've attempted to write something about half a dozen times. I've gone as far as logging in to Spaces and then get sidetracked or distracted.

Last week, I was going to post a video we made of the kids doing a Christmas Treasure hunt (one of the things on the Christmas chain this year).

Over the weekend, I was going to post THREE music entries; 1) Ten Songs randomly pulled from my MP3 player by the playlist; 2)My top ten songs (lovingly detailed with the reasoning behind said status). 3) Random clips of Bruce Dickinson yelling "Scream for me {insert city name here}" that made me laugh when I was listening to a few live Iron Maiden CDs over the past few weeks.

I got sidetracked for 1 & 2 while installing and configuring Apache (a webserver) so that I can just serve up the songs from my home instead of leeching bandwidth from somewhere else. I ended up listening to two or three hours of live Iron Maiden tracks and only found "Scream for me Long Beach" (twice); & "Scream for me Brazil". I've heard at least three other ones, but they may have been in the middle of songs and I'll have to tag those as I find them.

I was going to post some more telescope pics, but I haven't taken the telescope out in quite a while. I was going to last night, but ended up watching "The Biggest Loser" instead. I'm in dire need of motivation. I'm on day TWO (miserable, lousy fucking two only) of dieting again. Out of the total of 54 pounds I lost, I've gained back 41...(20-25 of which since I started taking the headache meds). Being fat is fucking miserable. It sets a horrible example for my kids. Evan is getting very chunky now and has gained 15 or 20 pounds since the summer. If I can be strong enough to resist the siren song of the many women I want to befoul (shutup--I am resisting---it has nothing to do with me being "unattractive" or "loser-ish"), I can be strong enough to drop the fork and exercise again.

Life isn't fair.

Better Than Nothing

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 22:30:40 GMT

I stole this from FC, who in turn stole this from someone else.

1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?

"He felt a deep and profound terror. He was completely paralyzed. He could do nothing. His own feet were scraping over the stone."

2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching?

My fan.

3. What’s the last program you watched on TV?

The new American Dad.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.
3:30pm (actually 3:33pm)

5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now?
Typing, papers ruffling, someone grunting, my teeth crunching on popcorn.

6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do?
8am and it was to walk from my car to the office.

7. What are you wearing?
My official government uniform: faded Levis Carpenter jeans, Reeboks, blue shirt with orange piping on the sleeves.

8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about?
Nope.

9. When was the last time you laughed?
"Does anyone remember...laughter???" Last night while watching ~~Family Guy~~ American Dad. Seeing Stan skate with an unconscious partner was hilarious.

10. What’s on the walls, in the room you’re in right now?
My cube is covered in papers tacked to the walls. The actual office itself has a little bit of artwork. Thank god, however, that they have not put back up the framed Motivation pics. If I can ever afford them, I want to put up a few Demotivators in the office and see if anyone catches on.

11. Have you seen anything strange lately?

Saturday, I saw a 300lb (at least) man riding on a ten speed decked out neck to toe in spandex. His pendulous gut hung down literally to the frame of his bike. I laughed so hard that I started seeing stars.

12. What do you think about this meme?

Beats having to think of content.

13. What’s the last film you saw?
Drop Dead Gorgeous. Funny, funny movie.

14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money?
Pay off bills, establish a crippling addiction to coke and 18 year old prostitutes.

15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know.
I auditioned for the movie "The Toy" when I was in the third grade.

16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be?
First, kill all the lawyers.

17. Do you like dancing?
No. No. Um, no.

18. George Bush?
He's my boss so I cannot say anything bad about him (at least from this computer)

19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy?
Already got 'em, thanks.

20. Would you ever consider living abroad?
No. I would like to travel, but I'm not good expat material.

21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven?
Yes, Margaret. I am here.

22. Who should do this meme?
Anyone else too lazy to write something original today.

Sonic Reducer, Ain't No Loser

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 23:07:34 GMT

This entry is going to be like how I make sweet, sweet love to my lady...brief and disappointing. Ahh, yeah (a hundred and forty-three dollars...worth of puddin'). That's just how I roll.

My lack of posting is by no means indicative of any problems with Laurie. I've only got so much time to do all the stuff she used to do, all the stuff I used to do, AND try my best to take care of her without getting pissy. The last part is the key, because I don't want to be a prick. I absolutely don't mind doting on her, but cut a brotha some slack. Just because I'm not laying in bed next to you at 10pm doesn't mean I don't love you or want to spend time with you. It means I'm in the living room catching up on The Office (which, btw is one of my new favorite shows), on the computer reading Perez Hilton, Just Jared, The Defamer, TMZ, or one of the dozen other Gossip rags I like to read, or I'm trying to rub one out really quickly because it's been over a month since I got any. OK? Jeez.

Anyway, I'm trying to stay on top of shit at home. If I slack for even a day, it's unreal how much the kids fuck up the house. I swear, those little bastards are intentionally befouling the home. How is it that I can have a spotless kitchen when I go to bed at night and when I get home the next day it looks like a group of kids with hook hands were trying to make handmade pastries? WTF? And Evan must keep his fucking eyes closed when he gets up to take a leak in the middle of the night because I'm pretty sure Chloe isn't the one that's pissing on the side of the toilet.

Oh, and why can't my kids use a towel for more than one bath? I can't get them to wrap their minds around the concept that "Hey, you're clean when you're drying off. That towel is good for at least two more baths".

Enough of my vagina-sporting-like whining. I've got to by one of Evan's Christmas gifts on the way home and then cook dinner.

Send me some nakie pics to make me happy.

Auf Wiedersehen, mein freuleins.

I've Got First Class Tastes In a Second Class Town

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 02:35:42 GMT

Thanks to everyone for the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Laurie is back home now and trying to recover. She's in a lot of pain, but hopefully that will subside as the days go on.

The hospital we went to (it was actually their Surgical Center which is a separate facility from the main hospital) was super swank. Very clean; very nice. The staff was phenomenal. They even had free Starbucks coffee and cookies out in the lobby. The food was really good and it was like room service--you ordered it when you wanted it. I was all kinds of jealous of Laurie's morphine drip, but it barely took the edge off of her pain.

All of the third-grade teachers that Laurie works with came by tonight after we came home and gave her a little gift bag that had some socks, lotions, and a Chili's gift card for us to use to buy dinner tonight so that we didn't have to cook. They are all super sweet and it was such a thoughtful thing to do. It's almost unfathomable how different her experience has been in the school district she's in now, compared to Dallas schools.

Christ...I'm starting to sound all homo and shit.

Well, I need to go help Laurie go to the bathroom and then get her some food.

Thank You and Good Night

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 06:08:01 GMT

Thanks for the birthday salutations. I'll be even more scarce than I normally am (at least recently) because Laurie is having her surgery tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed it goes well and is sucessful. They're doing a discectomy. The doctor that is doing the surgery is supposedly one of the top three in Dallas (probably rated as such by Jen's magazine, which, btw, actually IS a big deal around here...that's how I found my neurologist back when I first got my headaches a few years ago and thought I had a brain tumor).

This is strictly for you Lost fans (you know who you are)...great episode. You forget how hot Evageline Lily is until you see her clean and made up. Nice. Anyway, my first thought when her and Sawyer started going at it was 1) How long has it been since either of them have had a toothbrush? 2) Man oh man, they are FILTHY! (hygiene wise, not moral wise). Anyone else think the blonde doctor is actually the bad guy and Ben is the good guy? February is too long to wait.

Well, I'm off to read and try to get some sleep. I'll be staying overnight in the hospital with Laurie. The last time I did that was when Chloe was born and I didn't get any fucking sleep. Hospitals suck.

Bippity Boppity Boo

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 23:58:58 GMT

Yesterday we did the whole birthday celebration thingee. I think I'm the only person stupid enough to make their own birthday dinner. I already received my big present (the new camera), but I did get several new shirts. I'm in desperate need of new clothes since I'm a stupid fat fuck now and gave away all my old XXL clothing to charity last fall. I only have two shirts that fit well and the others are just a hair (or should I say, a big beer belly) away from fitting right. I've gained back forty or so pounds of what I lost, with 30 or so of that since August. I don't know if I should blame a) the Elavil, which gave me Shaggy munchies; b) quitting tobacco which could be the culprit, but since I quit the same time I started on my meds, I can't say for sure; c) my inability to control my baser urges. Fuck, what I wouldn't give to be Nicole Ritchie or Kate Bosworth.

Anyway, I had a good time last night. My Dad actually called, even though my birthday isn't until Tuesday. He seemed upbeat, but he's put himself in a nursing home. As shitty as it sounds, it's the best place for him. My sister was sponging off of him and stole a bunch of money from him. In the nursing home, he doesn't have to worry about trying to take care of my sister. My niece, Adriana, was living with my Dad until he went into the hospital earlier this year. Now, she's living in a foster home. Thankfully, the foster parents are friends of my brother. The foster dad is a Captain on the fire department and the foster mother is a nurse. Laurie and I had talked about bringing her to live with us (she's the same age as Chloe). I feel shitty about not doing it, but I don't want to have anything to do with my sister. If she were dead, I'd take my niece in in a hearbeat, but I don't want any possibility of having to interact with my sister at all. She's a pox on my family and I think the world would be a better place if she weren't on it.

Jeez, how did my happy post turn into this vitriol?

Ok. Let's get back to the good stuff. I'm half drunk right now, since I drank about six Shiners while cleaning out the garage. It's not even 6pm yet and it's already dark. I LOVE Fall. Love it, love it, love it. It's raining too, which makes me happy.

Last night, I made some fucking badass Gumbo. I was supposed to make it using Laurie's grandma's recipe, but I decided I wanted to do it myself. Everyone was expecting it to suck, but it was really good. Laurie's grandmother said it was "delicious" and for her to say anything positive about anybody else's cooking is just short of a miracle.

If y'all want the recipe, I'll post it later.

Well, I need to drain the lizard (heeeerrrreee leezaard, leezard, leezard), so peace out bitches.

Kidnap the Sandy Claws, Beat Him With a Stick

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 02:23:10 GMT

Last night was Chloe's birthday party (even though her birthday isn't for another 2 weeks). Are five & six year old girls really cute? Absolutely. Are five & six year old girls the most annoying creatures EVER? Ab-so-fucking-lutely.

Here are a couple of pics, but here's a a Flickr set (taken with my brand new camera [Yay!] that is MY birthday present, even though my birthday isn't for another week *cough*novenber seventh*cough*). There's a really fucking cool reason I bought it early (I got it yesterday), but I'll wait until tomorrow night to post why (with the pics to prove it).

(this was sweet---dry ice + punch= cool effect)

Here's another tip...if you have a party at night, make sure you write on the invitation that you're going to have pizza. We estimated thirty-ish people (including parents) so we ordered six large pizzas. Guess how many I had left after everyone left? FIVE AND A HALF! Mother fucker...like I need anything else to help me get even fatter.

I took the kids to see A Nightmare Before Christmas today, even though they've seen it a million times, because it's been re-released in 3D at the movies. I was expecting the old red/blue glasses that give you a massive headache (and never QUITE get things in 3d). I don't know how Disney's process works, but it is freaking phenomenal. If it's playing at theater close to you, it really is worth the money.

What are you doing, Dave?

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 22:00:23 GMT

Please note: I mention I posted this via email and that didn't fucking work either. Damn you, Mr. Gates. Damn you to Hell!

I wish I could devise wonderous code that would give computers sentience and intelligence so that they could fully understand how much I hate them before ritualistically slaughtering them like an insane Silicon Killer (a moniker that I'm saving for when I start my own industrial/techno band).

Those douchebags at Bloglines have updated their code, so now 3/4ths of the time I can't read the blogs that I subscribe to. MSN Live's new code makes it where I can't post or add comments 9/10ths of the time that I'm browsing at work (on breaks & lunches, Mr. Productivity Snooper Computer Thingee).

I'm attempting to post this via email (luckily, this is one of the 50% of the time that I can get Yahoo to compose a new message) since I can't add a new post from Spaces.

Now do you understand why I want to commit intelicide (oohh, snap...that's a good one. Intel Inside/intelicide. Oh, nevermind you fucking technophobes).

Due to all the technical issues, my time is running short today. How about a shotgun list of stuff? I don't know why I'm bothering to ask you, since I'm going to do it anyway. Yay, drunk with authority!

Anyone watch "Dexter" on Showtime? Man, great show. The homo brother from Six Feet Under plays, get this, a forensic specialist who is a Serial Killer, wait--it gets better, who only kills other Serial Killers! How sweet is that? I read a book with a similar overall theme (e.g. someone who only targets serial killers), but this is pretty well done. It gives a plausible backstory (animal killing/torture as a youth; he was a foster child who was abused, etc; the last foster father who happened to be a cop, got him to channel his killing impulses on going after bad guys and taught him how to get away with it. Yet another show I'm going to have to watch.
Heroes- We watched it last week with Evan (who liked it). We had to tell him to stop watching last night because it got pretty graphic with all the dead (mutilated, mangled, and bloody) people.
The funniest line I've ever heard on TV was on How I Met Your Mother Last Night. I laughed so hard that I almost puked. Robin is telling Ted's Mom that she has good genes. "My whole family is in great health! Well, I do have an Uncle with schizoprenia...but even he had perfect vision....which was unfortunate for all of the people on the ground when he was in that bell tower."
I think I'm going to be completely useless on Monday nights due to all the TV.
I walked about a mile last night. Evan and I are going to start running and I set a goal that we would be running a full mile (nonstop) by the end of the month. I know that I can do it (I was up to two miles in about four weeks last year before I spiraled into laziness again) and I'm pretty sure I can get Evan up to it too.
Where have all the good times gone?
The bathroom is coming along slowly...I'm grouting the floor tonight (hopefully) and finishing the trim sometime in the next day or two.
Have your hands ever been so sore that you couldn't open a bottle of beer? Yep, that sucks.
I accidentally took too many Vicodin on Friday and was miserable all fucking night. I thought I had taken two, but ended up taking three. Nothing worse than opiate induced nausea...

The End?

Spicy Nuts and Cajun Sticks

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 17:35:28 GMT

Maybe there's some correlation to the fact that whenever I stop writing (almost) everyday, I start feeling slightly depressed. Maybe Spaces (and you, gentle reader) is functioning as my low-rent therapist (you remember the SNL sketch with Sean Connery? "Alex, I'll take 'The Rapist' for $500." "Uh, Mr. Connery that's "therapist", not "the rapist"). Maybe sharing my feelings and thoughts with you serves as a needed relief valve for my psyche. Maybe; just maybe, I need you. All of you.

Either that or I was just fiending for some Vicodin...I was in a much better mood once it kicked in this morning.

I think I'm trying to cram too much living into a twenty-four hour day. I think the hyperactivity I've been experiencing over the past few weeks is steadily winding down. I haven't done dick to the bathroom this week. I've been dead tired all the fucking time. I get up at 6:30 for work and I get home at 6:30 pm. I try to have some type of interaction with the family (if I'm not painting/scraping/pouting in the bathroom), which has been consisting of watching TV while yelling at the kids. I've had to do a TON of web-related stuff because some cocksucker exploited some weakness in a PHP app that runs on the cub scout site I do and loaded a couple of eggdrop IRC scripts (u w1ll die w@nnab3 hax0r). And I'm hooked on TV. You can see from the list at the left, I haven't been reading shit since my headaches came back in August (and yes, my head still hurts Heather). I did read a total of three books this month, but I haven't made the effort to post them. That's around 8-10 less than my usual. And to top things off, I'm super pissed at a couple of teachers at Evan's school who fucked him over. I sent an email to the principal this morning to see if he'll resolve the issue.

There's been so much good TV on that I'm watching entirely too much TV. Here's a list of the shows that I'm Tivo'ing/DVR'ing every week:

Monday: The Class, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, The New Adventures of the Old Christine, Heroes, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Tuesday: House, Standoff, Law & Order: SVU, The Unit

Wednesday: Kidnapped, Lost (starting next week), The Nine (next week too), Jericho, Criminal Minds

Thursday: My Name is Earl, The Office, Grey's Anatomy, Supernatural, Survivor, CSI, Shark

Friday: Law & Order,

Sunday: Family Guy, American Dad, Desperate Housewives, Without a Trace, Brotherhood

Thats TWENTY HOURS of shows! That God I can skip commercials, otherwise I'd never be able to get to them all.

On top of those, I also record Good Eats, South Park, Law & Order: SVU (the ones on TNT), Family Guy (Cartoon Network), and usually couple of movies a week.

I found one of my old websites (from 1998ish) that I'm going to post some stuff from. It's pretty funny (as in dumb, not humorous). I'll do a remodeling update sometime this week, too.

I'm Sorry This Has Never Happened to Me Before

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 05:09:52 GMT

I will try to give you a better post tomorrow.

1) Bathroom coming along. Painting is (mostly) done. Fixtures up. Minor things like "floors" and "toilets" still AWOL.

2) I'm still fat

3) Chloe is sick. She's had a fever since yesterday and was puking like crazy tonight. I'm going to be doing the Mr. Mom shit tomorrow. If she's well enough, we may have to make a quick jaunt to Home Depot to buy some floor.

4) Anyone watch "Heroes" on NBC tonight? Holy shit, that show was great. Cheerleaders sticking their hands down garbage disposals; Mr. "I'm a Doctor in My Home Country and Now I Drive a Cab and Smell Like Curry and Onions" running away from the dude that played the homo in Dynasty; dope sick artist painting pictures of the apocolypse; crazy fat asian guy; AND Ali Larter shaking that sweet little ass of hers on a webcam? How the hell can you beat that? I think I have a new favorite show (at least until Battlestar Galactica comes back).

5) Anyone have someone unexpected run across your blog? Here's six words you don't want to hear at a Cub Scout Event (and no it isn't "Get on your knees, little boy...That's what you don't want to hear during Mass). It's "Hey, I've been reading your blog." Me and my dumb ass forgot to kill a link on my old website AND I discovered that this little blog is the only hit you get when searching by my email address in Google (now it's one of eight). Wassup, Kevin. Welcome to the insanity.

TTFN.

The View from Below

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 17:31:17 GMT

I'm steadily going along with the bathroom stuff. My schedule hit a snag last night when I discovered that my floor doesn't want to come up easily. I spent two hours scraping lineoleum backing off of the floor and I'm not done yet. I plan on picking up a better scraper tonight when I get my paint. I took out the toilet last night, the baseboards, and got most of the floor up. Tonight I'll finish ripping out the floor, paint the ceilings, and try to patch & sand the walls so that I can start priming them tomorrow.

I THINK I'm going with a travertine stone tile floor, but I'm still trying to make up my mind.

crap, time to go back to work. Arrivederci, cocksuckers.

Zen and the Art of Wallpaper Removal

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 22:14:52 GMT

1) I swear to God I'm not intentionally being a dick and not leaving comments. With the new "Live" stuff, the vast majority of the time I can't comment on anyone's blog, and about 70% of the time I can't bring anything up in MY blog. I'm reading everyone (that I can) at lunch via bloglines, but when I go to comment, I get stupid fucking script errors and it won't let me. I keep saying I'm going to comment at home, but I forget (e.g. get too wrapped up in girl on girl porn) to do so. This one is mainly directed at that horny pregnant lady...your blog I can't comment on pretty much 100% of the time at work. Are you a spy or something?

2) Thank you all for continuing to come visit me even though I'm not putting out as much as I used to. I don't really see a vast increase in my posting frequency anytime soon. But, hopefully you would prefer fewer posts with better (?) content than the shit I had been posting in the last few weeks that were just thrown up there for the sake of throwing up something somewhat funny.

3) Here's my thoughts on wallpaper removal. I've had to remove copious amounts of wallpaper/borders over the past few years. I want to say 1) I fucking HATE wallpaper; 2) I believe that wallpaper should be banned from all new home construction. Quit being cheap and paint the fucking walls. You want pictures on it? Hire a fucking art student who can hook you up for cheap; 3) Bobby Boucher, wallpaper is THE DEBIL!

There may be easier ways using mamby pamby equipment like steamers and shit, but I'm a broke mo-fo, otherwise I would have contracted out all my home improvements years ago. My method is done thusly:

1) Peel off the top layer of the wallpaper (e.g. the shiny shit) leaving only the backing/adhesive layer. Don't fight and try to get that part off yet. Why take off the top layer? Because DIF will NOT soak through, regardless of what the fucking bottle tells you.

2) Spray liberally with DIF wallpaper remover.

3) Don't believe the hype on the bottle. Don't let it sit 20 minutes before you peel, because a lot of it will dry if you wait.

4) Peel off the remains in one big clump (hopefully). Some minor scraping is necessary.

Repeat 8 million times to finish.

Pulling a Chris

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 05:18:26 GMT

Leave it to Heather to come up with some way to bring shame to me. Anyway, I promised her that I would fess up to why I didn't get a chance to post anything yesterday. It was midnight; I had Live Writer open and even had a title typed in. But, before I posted, I decided to read the recap of the Stern Show. Then I got my daily dose of gossip. Then I had a sudden urge to check out some porn, (which if you want free good stuff, this site is pretty cool). Which lead me to "pull a Chris", as Heather has now called it. So there...you happy now Heather? I didn't post because I was too busy jerking off to free videos like Sexy Britney Spears look-a-like sucking cock like a champ and Madison stripping, spanked and fucked.

You're never to old for xenophobia

I didn't get home last night until around 10:30 because I was working on the Old Guy's computer. It was a horrible waste of time. I basically spent 4 hours beating a dead horse (and no, that isn't another euphemism for masturbation. Thank you).

The Old Guy is 74. I'm impressed by the fact that not only does he use the computer (which most his age wouldn't), but that he has this unbelievable curiosity about everything. His office is just filled with hodgepodge of books that are just random as shit. Computer books, spy novels, biographies, political books, Math books. The Old Guy and I were talking about this dude named Heron who devised a way to find the area of a triangle using a pretty nifty little formula that now bears his name.

We also talked yesterday about how amazing technology is. And I'm not really even talking about the bells and whistles that you see like the flat screen monitors or Ipods or wireless devices. I'm just talking about the underlying fundamentals of what makes things work. Sometimes I get overwhelmed in my thoughts when trying think things through. Get past the shell of what you see on your desk (because I certainly know that you ARE on a computer). Just think about the fact that EVERYTHING you are seeing and doing on that computer and the Internet are at root, an enormous collections of 1s and 0s. Those 1s and 0s just represent an "on" state and an "off" state for the circuits in your computer. The terabytes of data that flow across the Internet are all just an on and off message for some piece of metal, plastic, and silicon that you're watching right now.

Imagine how fucking complicated the things we take for granted are. Your TV is an amazing device that is receiving some type of signal (be it binary code with a digital TV) or fluctuations in electrical signals that are broadcast from a piece of machinery that captures photons of light reflected off of the objects it's in front of, converts that picture into a waves of energy that are shot 22,241 feet into space and then beamed back down to a box that makes sense of it all.

His wife is the sweetest lady you'd ever meet. She is a phenomenal artist who paints a lot of photorealistic stuff. I found out last night that she makes handmade jewelry. Her work was un-fucking-believable. Nicer than a lot of what you see in the stores. The process for making jewelry is extremely labor intensive. I'll talk about that in another post.

The guy is a genuinely nice guy. However, he's probably one of the biggest racists that I have ever known (and people, I'm was born in a State that elected the guy that founded the state's KKK organization to the House of Representatives).

It's weird how people can be so contradictory. He talks about how bad society sucks now because you can't trust people these days and that integrity is dying, yet in the next breath talk about how all the Muslims in the US should be in Interment Camps like the Japanese were in WWII. How does a guy who actually has Boy Scout Oath taped prominently to his wall next to his desk say that he never liked hiring black workers for his contstruction company because "those niggers did nothing but lay around all day". Old people are fucking crazy

A few of my favorite things now:

The show Standoff
Lean Cuisine Barbeque Chicken Pizza
My new 1Gb jumpdrive that I got for $17
The new season of Survivor
Cobblestone Muffins from Panera Bread Company
The fact that Fall TV is about to explode!

Another One Bites the Dust

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 05:29:25 GMT

Random things from today (or actually yesterday since it's now 12:21am.)

TMKOASC (For you newbies to the blog, that's "The Man Known Only As Sir Cumference and he is one of my friends from my previous employer that has a Death Star for the logo) sent me the following email in response to my cell phone blog reading question:

I believe you will see quite an increase in readers viewing your blog via cell phone.

Yours is the only blog on the web whose posts can fit fully within the confines of a phone screen with any scrolling being required.
Well done.

I hate you Mr. TMKOASC. You sir, are a total douchebag. A FUNNY doucebag, but a douchebag nonetheless.

I'll soon be back to my normal blogging frequency. I feel my attentions waning in the other shit I've been doing.

AND, I've lost six pounds since Monday...although I think I gained three back tonight because I went insane since I am up so late (out of my bed) and ate two ham sandwiches (low fat, however), a spoon full of peanut butter, and three low fat Poptarts.

Your continued patience is appreciated.

p.s. How funny is it that Paris Hilton got arrested? That 's very funny...

Where Am I?

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:57:25 GMT

Is it possible to catch ADD? If so, I must have caught it from that little fucker that plays with Evan.

I'm so fucking scattered right now. I get obsessive about things and then my interest changes at the drop of a hat. It's like I'm a kitten running through the house chasing everything (albeit a big fat bald kitten who has to pee badly right now).

Right now I'm locked in to getting my desk cleared at work (hence the lack of blogging during the day) and at home I'm glued to that fucking electronic methadone called Jewel Quest AND this stupid website I'm doing AND watching the new slate of TV shows AND cleaning obsessively AND amateur lesbian porn (but THAT one is a given, bitch).

Off to read a science mag before watching some of the shit I taped last night. Ta!

Reach Out, Reach Out and Touch ME!

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 04:52:18 GMT

Hey, I just check my stats and someone actually read my blog from their cellphone. How cool is that? If you did it, let me know!

Crikey

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 04:48:29 GMT

Yes, my dearest Heather, I AM too hooked to blog today.

Well, maybe not, since I am actually blogging now.

What I WAS too busy doing today was catching up on work since I was off on my mini-vacation. I've also been fucking around with the website I do for Evan's Cub Scout Pack. AND I watched four hours of TV in about 2.5 hours thanks to the magical device known as TiVo.

I was embarrassed to admit to Laurie that I was super excited about the fact that the new TV season is upon us. I can't tell you how much I missed House. I'm anxiously awaiting the return of the best comedy EVER which is How I Met Your Mother. BB7 is kickin' it live. Fuck, I can't believe Dr. Will got the boot from the bootylicious Janelle.

And to top that off, I've gone an entire day without fucking up and gorging like a fat cop in a Krispy Kreme.

How fucked up is the Steve Irwin shit? I feel bad for his wife and kids. I guess that's the risk you take when you do what truly makes you fulfilled. You KNOW that that video is going to show up on Youtube in the next few days.

I would be fulfilled if I could eat everything I wanted be 100lbs less than I am now AND have an unlimited supply of Vicodin.

That would truly rock.

Maybe First Post for Today or Maybe Last Post for Today

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 15:13:21 GMT

Have I said how much I LOVE working for the Man? We get so many holidays it should be offensive to you suckers who pay my salary. Monday is (of course) Labor Day...that holiday is pretty much a given for everyone. Look how ridiculous this shit is: (oh, and this doesn't count the four hours of leave I accrue each pay period which equates to 13 days a year...another oh, starting next July, I accrue SIX fucking hours a pay period.)

Monday, January 1	New Year's Day
Monday, January 15	Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr.
Monday, February 19*	Washington’s Birthday
Monday, May 28	Memorial Day
Wednesday, July 4	Independence Day
Monday, September 3	Labor Day
Monday, October 8	Columbus Day
Monday, November 12**	Veterans Day
Thursday, November 22	Thanksgiving Day
Tuesday, December 25	Christmas Day

Who the fuck gets President's Day off?? Columbus Day? It's like highway robbery...mwahahaha.

I had to turn in my leave request for the next six months and typically what I do is take the Friday or Monday around the holiday to give me a four day weekend (which is why I'm home today).

Well, I'm outtie now. I'm going to go eat lunch with Chloe at her school. Poor kindergartners have to eat lunch at 10:40...

Who would?

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:48:15 GMT

Yay!

I'm going to put my two cents in about the whole old woman thing. But first, here's a pic of the "new" mother:

Heather...come on. Is it really ageist and sexist to question who would impregnate this Crypt Keeper? This chick's eggs are so old that she used to bury them in the mud to keep the oviraptors away. She's so old, she had booty calls from Captain Caveman. She's been having sex so long, she still remembers when it was called "AB Jelly".

Man, I could do that all day...tee hee.

Anyway, seriously, who says that Lycus & the Hef are right? Lykus looks like someone took the ugliest geek in high school suffering from anaphylactic shock...he's like a balloon animal sculpture of a girl's worst nightmare. Hugh Hefner IS the fucking Crypt Keeper. How the Bunnies keep from puking in the back of their throats when being with him is a compelling question. And Jack Nicholas did a skank like Lara Flynn Boyle...you can't trust his judgement.

I say, "Keep up the good work" Mr. Jonson...I salute you!

Fire!!!!!!!!

Huh?

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 21:47:26 GMT

I'm still living. Just super busy over the past few days. Funny stuff to come soon!

In the meantime, visit this guy's site. He's so funny that it will make you turn retarded.

Poor Man's Crack

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 04:03:46 GMT

I'm sitting here buzzing like a fucking fiend. I feel like I'm all coked up like Gary fucking Busey (Who's breath, I'm told smells like butterscotch---butt or scotch. Heighoh!).

Anyway, I think the culprit is a serendipitious combination of approximately 14 Diet Dr Peppers/Coke Zeros (I've been drinking them like water all day today), six darvocets (but that's over the course of the day), 200mg of Celebrex, and 100mg of Elavil.

I have no idea how I'm going to get to sleep tonight, but I've been very productive. I came home and cooked dinner, unloaded dishes, loaded dishes, handwashed a bunch of shit that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher, watched Fear Factor with the kids, read Chloe a bedtime story, checked my email and sent a bunch of emails relating to Scout business, downloaded software to play poker online with the Amateur Poker League, played a few hands of poker, took a shower, watched half of Kyle XY, ripped about 20 CDs to put in my MP3 player, read the comments on my blog, replied to comments on my blog, and typed this up.

Yee fucking haw. I need to get a Rx for some fucking Adderal or Amphetamines or something. I could get used to burning the candles at both ends.

Peace out mother fuckers.

The Ying to the Last Post's Yang

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 02:16:24 GMT

Tonight the Teen Miss USA Pageant was on.....

Is there anything hotter than fifty teenaged chicks in bikinis with their boobs taped up to give maximum cleavage?

Not much, my friend...not much.