Diary of a Fat Man: Entertainment

The Gaying of Chris

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 19:06:19 GMT

I've got to stop watching gay-ass shows. I can't help it that I love this crap. So You Think You Can Dance is probably my second favorite show right now (taking a close second to Big Brother).

Does it stem from making fun of Mary? Every time she comes on the screen, I growl like a monster because she reminds me of Gossamer from Looney Tunes:

I think it comes from the totally hot chicks, including the sluttlicious Lacey and Jamie. I'd post pics of them but stupid Fox uses Flash for their recap pics. Fucking tools.

Maybe since I'm watching it for the chicks it's not so gay.

Hmm.

Biggest Loser

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 22:37:38 GMT

I forgot to weigh yesterday, but I'm definitely not doing it today....we had our Christmas luncheon today and I ate like a Mako shark.

I'm still going to keep trying to eat better and I'm fucking motivated as hell by this guy:

How fucking insane is that transformation?

Once And Again A Total Freak

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 18:23:42 GMT

Anyone remember Billy Campbell from Once and Again (among other things)?

WTF? Does anyone know of ANYBODY in their right mind who was be on a boat for 13 months circumnavigating the globe? I can't decide if it's super cool or just super freaky.

Quick Recommendation

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 21:57:55 GMT

I watched Fog of War last week and have to say that it was captivating. If you want to watch a great documentary, check it out.

Rip Off

Fri, 05 May 2006 21:32:49 GMT

I sent an email to TMKOASC to gauge his interest in going to the Fiona Apple concert in July (shut up).

BUT, the ticket prices are just insane. The cheapest seats are $35! He had some in the queue that were front frow, but they were $60 PLUS a $12 "convenience fee" + tax.

That's fucking outrageous. But, it's much cheaper than some "artists" out there who are going for $300 plus LIST price on the tickets.

If I'm spending $60 for a show, I better be shooting a load on someone's face at the end of the night for that kind of money.

Am I A Geek? Hell, Yes.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 16:51:05 GMT

I'm in a really good mood today. Is it the drugs I took last night? (mmm, vicodin). Is it the fact that it's the weekend and I'm not going to work overtime tomorrow? Is it that I'm not totally bombing on my diet?

Or is it that the best show on TV is returning tonight?

My guess is that it's all of the above.

Tune in to the Scifi Channel tonight at 9pm (central) to see what TV Guide's Michael Ausiello calls, "of the most perfect hours of television I've ever seen"

Pain, Lots of Pain

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 23:21:33 GMT

I'm in day two of the wonderful think known as "Christmas Vacation". Yesterday, after my brief flirtation with murdering my family, the kids and I went to the Main Event, which is this huge bowling alley/Laser Tag/Arcade (similar to Dave & Busters). We bowled for an hour, played video games for a while, tried to play shuffleboard (wtf?) and I taught the kids how to shoot pool (while trying to catch a small buzz off of a Shiner Bock and a Jim Beam and Coke). Who says parenting isn't fun?

Today, we watched The March of the Penguins (good flick). I went and bought my Christmas present. Laurie finally gave up...she didn't want to get me something I wouldn't like. She said it would be the same thing as if she gave me a gift card, which I agree with. I bought a Sirius Satellite radio, a home kit for it, and some new speakers for my car (all for less than $110). But, the ongoing monthly service fee will suck, but I REALLY like Howard Stern and his show is the only thing that makes the drive to work each morning halfway endurable.

Tonight: Driving around and looking at Christmas lights, making and eating sausage balls (mmm, greasy goodness), drinking several Shiner Bocks, and watching crappy chick flicks with my wife.

King Kong: Review

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 15:32:28 GMT

I’ve said in earlier posts that I am the WORST person in the world when it comes to reviewing something. About the most you can normally get, is something like in the Kong! post from last night.

Evan and I went to see King Kong last night at the new AMC theater that they opened a couple of miles away from my house. The theater is NICE and new and clean. I wasn’t expecting huge crowds because I had not seen any advertisements that the theater was open. AMC’s website didn’t list the theater. Fandango didn’t give it as an option. The only place that showed the theater was in existence was Movietickets.com.

We arrived at the theater at 6:45 and the parking lot was PACKED! We had to park in the deepest, darkest corner of the huge parking lot. I felt my heart sinking and figured we would have to wait in abysmally huge lines to get in to the movie. Luckily, things ran smoothly inside and we were able to get great seats. The seats looked like they had never been sat in before. The whole place had a “new” smell that hadn’t been overpowered by the stench of millions of pounds of popcorn yet.

From 7:20 to 7:30 we were subjected to the ridiculous new trend of having to pay $8.00 to sit through commercials. I’ve made it a point to boycott all companies that advertise in movie theaters (except for Coke…I just can’t get away from those assholes). Madison Avenue, I hate you.

Precisely at 7:30, the lights dim. The crowd begins to silence themselves. The bright glow from hundreds of cellphones dot the crowd below.

It’s preview time! Some promising looking trailers: Miami Vice (Colin Farrell all serious and shit with his blond mullet and Jamie Foxx looking like a poor man’s Wil Smith); The Break Up (Vince Vaughn is the coolest guy ever and Jennifer Aniston looks like she’d be fun in the sack); The Da Vinci Code (Tom Hanks looks all bloated and shit and the book was arrogant and formulaic, but the cinematography of the film looks extraordinary…there was this great shot of Hanks on a glass floor that overlooks the top of the Pyramid in the Louvre that was dizzyingly good).

Quick summary of the movie: King Kong is definitely the best movie I’ve seen all year; maybe the best movie of the past few years. I hate Jack Black with his smarmy good looks (haha). I think Tenacious D is overrated and a dumb(er) version of The Bloodhound Gang. BUT, he was really good in this movie, crazy eyes not withstanding. Naomi Watts is fantastic and looks so good that you just want to stalk her. Adrien Brody is stellar as the screenwriter who gets tricked into going on the voyage and turns into an unlikely hero. The CG in the film is beyond amazing. Kong’s face is so lifelike and gripping that you can’t even believe that it is computerized…I can’t say enough how amazing a job Peter Jackson, his effects team, and Andy Serkis did in bringing the giant primate to life.

The first 30-40 minutes are kind of slow as they setup the film within the film, the back stories of the players, and the voyage to the island. When they hit the fog around the island, the rest of the movie is so good you forget that you were semi-bored at the beginning. The action sequences on the island are awesome; you will not be able to sit still in your seat.

In some of the sequences of Kong and the dinosaurs, my heart was literally pounding from adrenaline. The only time that has ever happened to me in a film before was during the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan.

Go see this movie this weekend.

In the rest of the post, I’ll go into more detail about the movie. It may contain spoilers, so if you don’t want to know anything else, go ahead and stop reading.

I’m warning you…

Ok…can you believe those fucking tools left? What a bunch of losers. You are my favorite, anyways.

Cool things I liked about King Kong:

1) The opening titles are brief (or to use a made up word coined by The Man Know Only as Sir Cumference, “brevitious” when he called me a “brevitious prick”), consisting only of “King Kong” in three dimensional block text. No “Starring”; No “Directed By”; No “Produced By”—very retro and very visually pleasing.

2) The computer animation in the film is beyond amazing. Peter Jackson is the man George Lucas tries to be. I wish Peter Jackson would remake the original Star Wars trilogy…I bet he wouldn’t have Han shoot first.

3) Naomi Watts has an amazing screen presence reminiscent of the stars of the forties. Beautiful, charismatic, refreshing. I would so do her.

4) When the group finally lands on the island, they discover it in ruins. As they walk through this desolate and weird stone village, Denham (Jack Black) says that no one has lived here in hundreds of years to try to calm the group down. Almost immediately after he says that, you see this little girl just standing in the middle of the ruins. She is so freaky looking. Greasy black hair hanging down over her weirdly black face. She looks like the freaky little girl from The Ring. She bites Denham on the hand when he tries to force her to take a candy bar. THEN you see all of these freaky looking people. Old grizzled people with black teeth and bizarre bone piercings. They looked frightening and utterly creepy. Especially the old lady that curses Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts). She just makes you want to puke.

5) Kong just looks amazing. Anthropomorphics will love the expressions on his face and his reactions. I can't say enough how amazing he looks and acts.

6) You remember how amazed you felt the first time you watched Jurassic Park and saw the CG dinosaurs? You remember how cool and realistic they were? The stuff you’ll see in this movie makes that look like the stop animation crap that was used back in original King Kong.

7) The coolest fight scene EVER is when Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) has left Kong and is going through the jungle. She comes upon this giant Gila Monster thing eating out the entrails of some dead creature. As she backs up, she steps on a twig and the giant GM turns around and starts chasing her. She ends up in this giant fallen log, as the GM makes it’s way closer and closer to her. All of the sudden, it lets out this squeal and then is dragged out of the log. She continues to back her way out of the log and then she turns around to see this giant Tyrannosaurus Rex chowing down on the now dead GM. The T-Rex sees her and starts chasing her. She runs and slips, falling down in some tall grass along a cliff and the T-Rex can’t find her. As it starts to walk away, you notice an eye opening on the rocks right next to her, then nostrils flaring. Holy shit! There’s another T-Rex right next to her! She runs and runs, T-Rex on her heels. As it’s about to eat her (lucky T-Rex), Kong swoops down and starts pounding the snot out of it. Soon, he’s battling three of these pissy little reptiles. Kong breaks one’s head apart; then they all fall through vines. Ann is wrapped up in these vines and is swinging, the T-Rex pushes himself off as well and tries to chomp down on her pretty blond head at each apex of her swing. It’s a fantastic scene.

8) Giant bugs, leeches, and bats. The creep factor gets blown up into the stratosphere when the rescuers fall down into a dark chasm and most are killed by these giant, nasty insects.

9) Although by no means bad, I thought that the scenes of Kong in the City were not as exciting as the Island scenes.

10) The aerial attack by the biplanes is simply beautiful. It’s like someone had a modern camera over 1933 New York. You absolutely cannot tell that it’s CG.

Kong!

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 05:06:12 GMT

If you are given the choice between seeing King Kong and getting a hand job from one of those asian "massage" parlors, choose Kong!

Must Snark TV

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 22:51:37 GMT

Anyone ever read Television Without Pity? The website totally rocks and the recappers are extrememely funny and talented.

It's been a while since I've visited the site, but this recap of last week's Smallville is fucking hilarious.

Smoking Gun

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 17:38:12 GMT

I love the Smoking Gun almost as much as unfortunate typos.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0916051disk1.html

"Hottest new star!"

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 14:50:15 GMT

Sony to Pay $1.5M Over Fake Movie Critic

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/movie_review_lawsuit

LOL...I should have posted my Marketing Magic Film Blurb posting a year ago. That would have saved Sony MILLIONS! Why fake the critic when you can get the same schlock AND fuck over a real critic at the same time?

Bwaahahahahahahaha

Two...Thumbs...Way...Up

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 16:48:19 GMT

I could never be a (successful) movie critic. My review would be pretty sparse and not very informative as to why I liked the movie. For example, I saw the Wedding Crashers last night. Definitely the funniest fucking movie I’ve seen in the past year…probably one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. See? That’s my review. I don’t think you can do much with it…Can you imagine the crappy little tagline in the movie ad as a result of that review? “Funniest fucking movie…in the past year” says Fatman (Dallas News). Not too inspiring, but somewhat better than the “uproarious” that you see on many ads for crap movies.

I guess I get too involved in the movie to step back and keep track of specific scenes or nuances of performances that could be described later when saying why I like something. I guess I take the holistic approach to movie watching. It either sucks, is ok, or rocks. The Wedding Crashers definitely rocks. Over 12 breasts; some booty shots; lots of booze; Vince Vaughn getting bound, gagged, and raped by his crazy girlfriend; gratuitous use of “Elf” dropping the f-bomb; and Christopher Walken ("I NEED more COW bells--GIMME more COW bells")…Joe Bob says check it out.

While I’m on the subject of those little blurbs they use to advertise movies, I’ve always wondered if anyone had the balls to take a bad review and through the magic of ellipses, use it to create a tagline that makes it seem good. I’m going to give it a shot myself:

Here’s the full review: http://www.boston.com/movies/display?display=movie&id=6024

But, to save space, here’s the first paragraph:

'Stealth' can't hide a major flaw

By Ty Burr
Boston Globe
Published: 07/29/2005

"Stealth" is a pretty fair military-hardware action movie until you start thinking about it -- at which point it turns incredibly sour in your mouth. I can therefore recommend it to any and all audiences lacking higher brain functions. Sea cucumbers, perhaps. Ones waving American flags.

Run the article through the magic machine known as marketing and you get the following blurbs!

“’Stealth’ is a pretty…military-hardware action movie…” Ty Burr, Boston Globe

“I recommend it to any and all audiences…I certainly…recommend it to fans of Jamie Foxx…”

“…a pulse-quickening visual marvel…”

“this is exactly the sort of movie we…need right now”

“a jim-dandy way to spend a Saturday night at the movies”

Wouldn’t life be grand if we could do that all the time?

Rule Number 2--No Names

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 20:43:18 GMT

I watched The Transporter last night at, like, 1am. Good flick. I had totally forgotten that the movie existed until I saw the previews for The Transporter 2, when my brother-in-law-in-law and I took Evan to see The Fantastic Four last week. If you haven't seen the trailer, you must google for it and watch. It looks frickin amazing.

So, Transporter 1 (as I shall call it now) is about this dude that makes his living by "transporting" "items" and "people" to different "places" for "money". He doesn't care about the legality of the items he delivers, he is very professional, and does a bang-up job, so he's very popular with the brothers in France. He winds up seeing that there is this asian chick in a bag he's delivering when he has to open the trunk to change his tire and she runs off, he catches her, fucks up a couple of cops, puts them in the trunk, makes his delivery, the guy he delivered her to double crosses him and blows up his beemer and then the fun begins as he proceeds to bring the noise.

It was written by Luc Besson and if you recognize his name, you'll love the movie. If you don't know Messr. Besson, check out his curriculum vitae on IMDB for a list of really well done flicks (both as a writer and director). He's French, so I should despise him like I do all dirty, filthy French people (especially you Canadian cock-suckers), but he's a'ight in my book.