Diary of a Fat Man: Fatman

Why So Serious?

Fri, 02 May 2008 05:33:07 GMT

As you can tell, my high falutin' plans of the post-o-rama have fallen by the wayside. Yes, I am still alive. Yes, in fact, I am prospering like the aging stripper who'll give you a little handy under the table with your lapdance to keep things competitive with the youngsters. There have been some ups and downs, my friends.

Over the past four months I've (in no particular order--I've jumbled them to keep you on your toes--and some already covered):

changed jobs (you know) with a sizable raise
gone to three concerts (one punk, one country, one alternative)
blown through thousands of dollars like a baller in a strip club
had my dick sliced open
traveled enough already to qualify for a free flight and Gold membership in the ICH rewards club
came the closest to becoming divorced EVER
eaten my way across Louisiana
eaten 8 pounds of crawfish
become addicted to Rock of Love II
then bought Rock of Love on DVD and watched over the course of a week
been sued
abruptly ended my four year friendship with TGWSNTMAW
joyously celebrated the return of TV shows!
watched a couple in their late 50's practically fucking in not just one, but TWO airports
became tasked with the chore of having to shove a plastic spike into my cock on a nightly basis (and not just for fun, beeyotch)
became cuckoo for cocoa puffs
still can't stop fucking eating, even though I'm off the Elavil
bought a new A/C for the house
had a 102 degree fever for almost a week due to a urinary tract infection that wasn't being killed because my doctor gave me the wrong antibiotic
had to cancel the new fence due to being sued
oh, had to cancel the vacation too--fucktards
went camping three times
written fewer blog entries than I used to in a fucking day back in ought-five
had a tranny make me a delicious sandwich
vomited a dozen times--doesn't sound too impressive until you know that that was just on Tuesday
ate lunch at a REALLY horrible Chinese buffet by the airport in New Orleans on Monday
saw a chick fuck a snowman on the Internet
have read 32 books

Ha! That's like those fucked up montage scenes that you get to advertise the upcoming season of a new show. OMG, Jack's fucking Kate on the stairs of a nice house? Why's Charlie underwater? Ben is from Iraq?

You may or may not get your questioned answered in the near future.

Bwahahaha.

So this is Christmas??

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:42:18 GMT

This fucking holiday has snuck up on us this year. Most of the time, Laurie and the kids have a week off before the holiday. Due to this new TX school year consolidation, it's trashed that whole thing. They don't get out until today, with Xmas being Monday. I'm done with all of MY shopping, hehe, seeing how I only bought for Laurie. We weren't supposed to buy anything for each other due to the trip (of which, pics can be seen here) (oh, and it was the schizzle for sizzle), but I bought her an Ipod Nano. The Nano isn't good enough for ME, however her miniscule music collection will be dwarfed by the 8 gig flash drive, natch.

Since I last graced you with my volumnious presence, I have been promoted to a new job that starts on 01/07/08. Since I'm off work all of next week, I basically just have three more work days until the new gig starts. I'll be moving to the downtown Dallas Regional Office doing facilities management (basically working with builders/vendors for new office construction, ordering equipment/phones/computers for other offices, etc). I'll be doing a lot of travel, so expect that I'll be posting more whilst out on the road (in between visits to homeclips.com and redtube.com, of course---electronic poon comes first--). And to top it off, it's a fairly substantial raise (right at $10K a year, beeyotch). W00T.

Well, I'm off to Chloe's Christmas party at school and then back to work. I'm going to happy hour tonight with a few co-workers for my goodbye celebration. Merry Christmas to all.

Where Do We Go From Here

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 01:15:58 GMT

Word up.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine was suck ass, at best. Decent food, shitty company, shitty time. Most Thanksgivings are languid affairs that involve eating lethal amounts of food, dozing fitfully while the Cowboy's game is playing, then topping off the distended belly with even MORE food, then a race home to be the first one to get to the bathroom.

This year, we spent a total of two hours over at my sister-in-law's house. She's now "dating" her high school sweetheart again, now that she's dropped over 150lbs and another 230lbs of dolt (my ex-brother in law). Things have been weird between her and everyone now that "she's always up Patrick's ass", as so eloquently put by my crazy as fuck mother in law.

Right now, I'm just chilling at my desk sippin' on gin and juice (I'm laid back, but I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind). Actually it's not gin and juice, but gin and tonic with a splash of lime. Good shit. Nice and strong like a college fullback, but goes down easy like the slutty cheerleader that's fucking and sucking her way through the third string defensive lineup.

I've spent the last week doing my civic duty as a juror (make sure you pronounce it correctly--jur-RAWR, like Puerto Rican tiger that is roaring). Five fucking days listening to testimony about a real estate deal. However, I've got to say it was pretty interesting and thankfully the time went by pretty quickly. But, I'm going to be SOOOO fucked when I get back to work. I haven't been to work since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I'm going to have so much crap piled up that I'll need a plunger to make my way to my desk.

I'm also getting really stoked about my upcoming extended weekend trip to Winter Park Colorado. We're splitting on 12/13 and coming back on the 17th, unfortunately we're driving. We're staying at the YMCA Snow Mountain Resort, which although it sounds like a dump from the name, is apparently a really nice, 5200 acre ranch. We're getting a kick ass deal (two nights at the lodge, five meals, and all the activities for only $160) and then we're adding another night outside of the family weekend special (another $100). We've never taken a winter vacation, so we're pretty excited. If things work out well, we may take a week (or more) next Christmas and get a cabin.

I don't have much to add. I'm still a fat mother fucker (literally, but not my own). I'm now totally off the demon-bred meds that help me gain 50+ pounds, but I haven't made much effort get my weight down. Stupid food...why must you tempt me so? I'm considering relaunching my ill fated "punishment diet". Do you think tasing my balls would be a good deterrent to the succulent Spinach and Bacon soufflés at Panera?

Mmmm, Panera.

Four Times As Long As Sex

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 22:50:52 GMT

I've got twelve minutes to kill, so why not use them to write some incredible drivel?

I've been sick most of the week with either food poisoning or a virus or somesuch. Although it was pretty sweet spending my birthday in bed watching TV and catching up with Smodcasts on my new Ipod (yay birthdays!) (again, if you like what I write, this is a podcast you must listen to), I'd have rather been healthy enough to also have spent the day getting fucking smashed on whisky sours and Tom Collins.

Last weekend, Laurie threw me a surprise birthday party. I've known about the party for a few weeks, but played along as if I didn't. Even if I DIDN'T know, I would have figured it out that day. Hmmm, Nichole's new boyfriend inviting me to see a movie? Oh, a half-off margarita machine because Jaime (a friend who is a caterer) had a party fall through?

It rocked, however. I racked up on gift cards (both Best Buy and Barnes & Noble), got the Ipod that Nichole has owed me for building the website that got her a promotion at work. I got sensationally fucked up. TGWSNTMAW was coming to the party (damn snoopy wife got her number out of my cell phone), but she got lost on the way to my house. Probably a good thing too. I told her that if Laurie ever saw her, I'd never get to hang out with her EVER. Laurie asked me what she looks like and I was all "Ah, she's all right.", which she said meant that she was hot (um, yep).

Anyway, I got interrupted mid post by the security guard bitching about his wife. You only got half my attention (man, even more like sex).

Adios, putas.

An honest to goodness post? No TV (well, maybe a little)? STILL using the stupid numeric bullet points?

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:27:13 GMT

Yup...ain't you lucky, bitches?

1) Let's get the TV shit out of the way. I wanted the new Bionic Woman on a sneak preview/on demand thing. Niiiccceee. The new Jamie Sommers is certainly as hot as the original. Add Katie Sackhoff to the mix (my delicious little Starbuck) and it's a boner-riffic good show. It's even science fiction-y, too. Kudos too the quick cameo by Boomer...fuck, when's Battlestar coming back? I'll have to make due with ALL MY OTHER FUCKING SHOWS STARTING THIS WEEK AND NEXT! YAY. YYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO. (oh, and make sure you watch Californication if you have Showtime--great show. Oh, and Weeds too)

2) Why, oh why, can't I stick to a diet for more than a short while? I'm literally eating myself to death. I had dropped 20 on my latest foray into a healthy eating habit, but I've been fucking off for a few weeks and I've probably gained back 15.

3) I've been pretty busy lately doing fuck knows what. I really can't tell you anything significant that I've done, but I'm always fucking busy. Right now, the current obsession is my new computer at home. I've been trying to get everything copied back over from the laptop to the new desktop and it's a pain. Let me also point out my extreme HATRED of stupid fucking Norton Anti-virus and Firewall which randomly locks down the entire fucking network connection from the PC for no good reason. Norton, my pal. How would YOU like to fuck ME in the ass? Heh, heh, heh...

4) Does anyone else think Amy Winehouse looks like the area between an anus and testicles?...of an unwashed, hirsute, homeless man? I've flicked more attractive things off of my forefinger.

5) Laurie and I took a quick impromptu trip to Shreveport last weekend to gamble at the casino (for like 45 minutes) and go drink with some of her friends. We got FUCKED UP. Majorly fucked up in Laurie's case. I haven't seen her drunk since we dated. One of her friends got smashed at the restaurant we started out at and fell on the dance floor while dancing with these two chicks that were sitting at the table next to us. Did I mention she didn't know those girls? And she just walked up and dragged them out to the dancefloor? It was pretty funny. Her evening ended shortly thereafter when they got stopped by the cops in the parking lot after she was seen puking out of the passenger side window. The cops let them go because her husband is a fireman. They were still going to meet us at the next bar, but she puked all over herself right after that. We spent the rest of the night migrating from shithole to the next...we even wound up in a dyke bar. And by dyke, I'm talking about lesbians who look EXACTLY like me. Down to the fucking goatee and everything. It's like the rug they were munching rubbed off on their chins.

6) What was up with Britney's VMA performance? The last time I saw such pitiful performance enthusiasm, I was looking down at the last chick I banged before getting married. Yowsa. Britney's been like watching a delicious cheescake decompose into a pile of festering, fetid garbage. So sad...so sad.

7) Things are doing pretty well at home with me and the family. Laurie and I had a BIG fucking to-do last month about me getting involved in business venture with my brother without consulting with her. It was probably the worst fight we've had. It didn't help that I fell into her stupid "What have I done like this..." trap and brought up when she was dragging her feet about returning to work when I was laid off. If it wasn't for the fact that that almost got me kicked out of the house, it would have been pretty funny.

8) The best thing about Laurie returning to work in the fall? She crashes out at 9:30 and I get to scan the web for celebrity gossip and amateur porn for a few hours uninterrupted. What more does a man need?

9) I was ALMOST leaving my house for the next year on a detail for work, but it didn't pan out. That would have been pretty weird and hard (much like your Uncle), but a huge career boosting opportunity. I'm somewhat relieved that it didn't work out, but I'm kind of pissed that I didn't get further along than everyone thought I was going to. What's wrong with me? Don't you love me, Daddy?

10) Jesus, I wish they would legalize marijuana. I would so be a total pothead if it were.

11) That'll do pig; that'll do.

Quick Question

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:28:07 GMT

Is it wrong that I REALLY REALLY want to order this domain name? I'm thinking about getting a new alternative email address and I want something that stands out, which this one kinda does.

Bi-Annual

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:40:58 GMT

I was reading some of the stuff that I wrote here July of 2005. It's an odd feeling looking back, which is odd in itself because that was originally why I started writing this beast--I wanted to capture what was going on in my life for future use in a stupid ass book.

Anyway, many things have changed in two years: 1) My financial problems are pretty much fixed; 2) I'm a totally fucking slacker with exercise and I've bloated back up to my pre-diet weight; 3) I'm the world's worst when it comes to writing now...I wrote a LOT back in 2005. I laughed when I read this...it's totally true to, which is what makes it funny.

7/12/2005

"Oh, Angry God of Rain, please forgive me!"

I walk into the bathroom at work to take care of business. When you’re a guy, throughout the day your penis gets bored and likes to go through various stages of inflation, just to keep things interesting. So, I pull my buddy out and he’s at about a half-chub, I take aim and proceed to “make water” as the old folks back home in Louisiana like to say.

Well, apparently my half inflated friend is a little more inflated around the ol’ urethra than he should be, because instead of a steady stream of urine soundly splashing the back of porcelain in the urinal, I get “thumb on a water hose” spray of pee that only half makes it to the appropriate destination.

I quickly move my left leg back out of the way to try to keep my shoes dry and hit a wet patch on floor. Wet tile not being conducive to good traction, I start a terrifyingly quick journey to the floor. In the split second of the fall, I imagine myself being found unconscious under the urinal, dick in my hand, covered in my own piss.

The scare must have sped up my reflexes, because I caught myself on the wall next to the urinal, taking quick action with my right had to stop the sprinkler action.

Amazingly enough, not a drop hit my shoes or pants (thank god), but I did have the unpleasant task of wiping up the floor before heading back to my desk. The only positive is that it was my own mess that I was cleaning. The only thing worse than wiping up your piss is wiping up someone else's. (reminds me of the following joke: "What's worse than a cold seat in a public restroom? Answer: A warm one."

Last night, Laurie and I went to see Knocked Up. If you haven't seen it yet, I can't recommend it enough. I haven't laughed so much since that time I thought Rosie O'Donnell was dead. Really, really well done. It's a total chick flick when it comes to the plot and story, but a total guy film in it's vulgarity and geeky insider type jokes. I'm adding it to the "must buy" DVD list.

Greetings From The Land of the Tired

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 17:27:23 GMT

You miss me, bitches?

I was in Florida for a week, enjoying the this view:

More to come once I get some spare time.

Why Do I Love Gossip Blogs?

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 02:20:35 GMT

This is why:

http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/2007/05/beyonce-is-packing-some-meat.html

I laughed so hard that I actually got dizzy...

Your Vocal Voice is Excellent

Sat, 26 May 2007 02:12:06 GMT

1) I wish to smash and destroy every fucking Tivo and DVR in my house. Here's a list of the shows that got fucked up this week: 1) Heroes--didn't even fucking tape; 2) 24--the Tivo said it had no signal--dirty liar; 3) American Idol--stopped at 2 hours and 3 minutes--five minutes short of the end. 4) Law & Order SVU: Tivo said it was a rerun. Guess what? It wasn't.

Thank god for The Pirate's Bay...I wouldn't have seen any of my shows otherwise.

2) What's with all the fucking numbered entries? Good question, cock sucker.

3) I'm pretty fucked up right now. Went for drinks with my favorite coworker and then started drinking vodka and Peach Orchard Punch at the hizzouse. Yep, I'm a big baller, nigga.

4) What the fuck is up with American Idol? It was great to see a fucked up Paula again, but that was two hours of pure shit. Tony Bennett? Jesus, I was waiting for his bandages to start unraveling. At least Frank Sinatra had the decency to die before he needed to wear diapers on stage.

5) I'm watching the season finale of 24. Jesus, what a crappy season this year. I wish I could take a shit on Jack Bauer's head.

6) You know what? Monkey butt.

7) I think I'm done for now.

8) Viva la revolucion.

Somewhat Good Quitter?

Sat, 19 May 2007 22:41:01 GMT

Although I now say that I'm not quitting, my lack of posts seem to contradict that.

1) I TOTALLY fucking called Blake & Jordan WEEKS ago.

2) I'm in love with Chicken Pad Thai from Pei Wei. I tried it for the first time yesterday. OMFG. I had it for dinner again today. I'd have my way with it, but I can't get enough friction going to bust one off.

3) I'm not a good quitter when it comes to diets either. I've totally fucked off this week and I've gained back about five pounds of the 15 that I've lost over the past three weeks. You know why?...

4) Mother fucking PEACH COBBLER Ice Cream from Ben & Jerry's (which I JUST noticed was recalled---no wonder I can only find it at Target). And last night was a dance with S'Mores Ben & Jerry's. Those cocksuckers keep pulling me back in!

5) Dawn of the Dead. What a fucking well done horror flick. I watched it last night at about 1am. Fucking creepy. The best horror movie I've watched since Slither (maybe because James Gunn wrote it?)

6) I need to find a somewhat disreputable doc to get my Vicodin hook-up going. I've been hydrocodone-less for way too many months.

7) Just drinking vodka mixed with Pina Colada mix isn't very good. I'm catching a buzz, but it's ropey as a mo-fo. I may have to switch to mixing it with Cherry Coke Zero.

8) Booyah.

Quitting's for Quitters

Tue, 08 May 2007 21:51:26 GMT

I guess I'm a bad quitter.

Ceci N'est Pas Une Blog

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 21:55:40 GMT

My Dad died Saturday evening. I didn't think that I wanted to be there when it happened, but seeing him in so much agony the night before and then holding his hand when he went peacefully made it slightly easier to take. My Mom died on April 15 four years ago and he went on April 14. April's not a good month if you're my parents.

I'm done baring my soul to the general public. I've slowly been getting there just by my declining number of posts (I was pretty fucking prolific when this bitch first started), but I think it would be better to disclose my feelings to my loved ones and not an anonymous bit driven bloggy world.

One thing that my Dad was successful in doing was raising a man who wants to do the right thing by his family. I'm not up to any shady bidness on the web, but I struggle with sharing my innermost shit with Laurie and instead blow it out amongst the masses.

I think I'll be back soon with a lot less disclosure just because I like making people laugh, but if I do, it will probably be TV related crap (like the AI recaps). I don't know, we'll see.

If you want to know when I'm back, just shoot me an email (chris@theeclipse.org).

This message will self destruct in three days, biatch.

Thank you for listening.

May you and yours live a long and fruitful life. (that means lots and lots of fuckin')

Stuff I Dig Right Now

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 22:44:37 GMT

1) The new punk rock channel on Sirius Satellite radio. Seriously (hehe), I could not function without satellite radio. Even putting Stern out of the equation, the variety of music programming is insane. And NO GOD DAMNED COMMERCIALS! When I'm stuck driving Laurie's car, I pretty much do nothing but channel scanning because every station is on a frickin' commercial. And in the unlikely event that a cool song actually comes on the radio, I look up to see who the band is or the name of the song and have to shake my head in disappointment because it's not scrolling across the display like it does on the satellite radio. I'm telling you right now, it's the best $12.95 a month you can spend if you have any type of commute.

2)God kill me:

3) American Idol (obviously)

4) Cherry Coke Zero

5) The Pirate Bay (http://thepiratebay.org). Missed a show last night? Download that motherfucker here. The best use of #6.

6) Verizon Fios. Telephone, 6 Megabit Internet connection, and television services on fiber optic? And I pay about $116 a month for all of that? With 45 movie channels? Fuckin' A this is a great country. Let's see you get that in France, you fucking frogs.

7) 5:45pm.

Music List Rerevisited

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 04:45:33 GMT

I don't feel like working right now. I'm in a funk. Can you become depressed overnight? I called my Dad to wish him a happy 69th birthday Wednesday night and found out he was in the hospital again. Congestive heart failure and renal failure...again. I hung out at the hospital Thursday and Friday, but came back home. He slept pretty much the whole time I was there, just waking up a few minutes at a time. They say he could go at any time, but then again, they said the same thing last year too. Anyway, I've been super sleepy and totally unmotivated since last week, hence my depression query. I'm already on anti-depressants, but since they haven't worked on my headaches, why should I fall for their lies when it comes to fixing depression? Fucking doctards.

Since I don't want to do anything productive, I'm going to post a newly updated list of my music collection. Be jealous, bitches.

New ones since the last update are in green.

Artist Album

AC-DC Powerage (Remaster)

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Who Made Who

Back In Black

Highway To Hell

Let There Be Rock

Aimee Mann Magnolia Soundtrack

Bachelor No. 2

Lost in Space

The Forgotten Arm

Alanis Morissette Jagged Little Pill

Alice Cooper Flush the Fashion

Anthrax Among The Living

Alive 2

Armed And Dangerous

Attack of the Killer B's

Fistful of Metal

Music of Mass Destruction

Persistence of Time

Sound of White Noise

Spreading the Disease

State of Euphoria

Stomp 442

Taking The Music

The Greater of Two Evils

Volume 8- The Threat is Real

We've Come For You All

Audioslave Audioslave

Out of Exile

B.B. King The Best of B.B. King Volume One

The Beatles Revolver

Blind Melon Blind Melon

Nico

Soup

Blink 182 Take Off Your Pants and Jacket

Dude Ranch

Bon Jovi Crush

Have a Nice Day

Slippery When Wet

Bowling for Soup Drunk Enough to Dance

Britney Spears ..Baby One More Time

Britney

Brooks & Dunn Greatest Hits 2

Bush Sixteen Stone

Razorblade Suitcase

Dada Puzzle

Dan Reed Network Dan Reed Network

Danzig Danzig IV

Daughtry Daughtry

The Dead Boys Young, Loud, and Snotty

Dead Kennedys Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables

Dropkick Murphys Do or Die

The Gang's All Here

Sing Loud Sing Proud

Blackout

The Warrior's Code

The Early Years

The Singles Collection, Volume 1

Live on St. Patrick's Day From Boston, MA

Boys on the Docks

Deep Purple Burn

Dido No Angel

Dr. Dre The Chronic

Elvis Presley Live At Madison Square Garden

Eminem The Eminem Show

Encore

The Exploited The Singles

Faith Hill Faith

Fergie The Dutchess

Filter Short Bus

Fiona Apple Tidal

Foo Fighters One by One

The Fray How to Save a Life

Garbage Version 2.0

Good Charlotte Good Charlotte

Green Day Kerplunk

1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours

Dookie

American Idiot

Guns N' Roses Appetite For Destruction

Gwynn Stefani Love.Angel.Music.Baby

Hatebreed Perseverance

Rise of Brutality

Satisfaction is the Death of Desire

Under the Knife

The Hives Tyrannasaurus Hives

Ice Cube AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted

Death Certificate

The Predator

Iron Maiden A Matter of Live and Death

Brave New World

Iron Maiden

Killers

Piece of Mind

Powerslave

Somewhere in Time

The Number of the Beast

Information Society Information Society

Jellyfish Spilt Milk

Judas Priest Stained Class

Screaming For Vengeance

Toby Keith Honkytonk University

White Trash With Money

Killswitch Engage Alive or Just Breathing

As Daylight Dies

Kings X King's X

The Killers Hot Fuss

Kiss Music from 'The Elder'

Limp Bizkit The Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water

Three Dollar Bill, Yall$

Lit Tripping the Light Fantastic

Liz Phair Exile In Guyville

Whip-Smart

Luscious Jackson Fever In Fever Out

Madonna Music

Marilyn Manson Holy wood

Mechanical Animals

Antichrist Superstar

Smells Like Children

Maroon 5 Songs About Jane

Mastodon Blood Mountain

Call of the Mastodon

Leviathan

Lifesblood

Remission

matchbox twenty Mad Season

Megadeth So Far, So Good... So What!

Peace Sells But Who's Buying

Rust In Peace

Metallica Garage Inc.

Load

..And Justice For All

Master of Puppets

Ride The Lightning

Live Show: 10/18/.1982 San Francisco CA

Live Show: 07/18/1992 East Rutherford NJ

Mighty Mighty Bosstones let's face it

Pay Attention

Miranda Lambert Kerosene

Motley Crue Shout At The Devil ('99)

My Chemical Romance Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

Nickelback Silver Side Up

Nine Inch Nails The Fragile (Right)

The Fragile (Left)

The Downward Spiral

Pretty Hate Machine

Nirvana Incesticide

Unplugged in New York

In Utero

Nevermind

Bleach

NOFX Wolves in Wolves' Clothing

N.W.A Greatest Hits

Otep House of Secrets

Pantera Vulgar Display Of Power

Cowboys From Hell

Far Beyond Driven

Reinventing The Steel

Pat Green Lucky Ones

Pearl Jam Ten

Phil Collins Serious Hits...Live!

Pink Missundaztood

Power Station Power Station

Prince The Very Best of Prince

Prodigy Fat Of The Land

Puddle Of Mudd Come Clean

Queen Sheer Heart Attack

Queensryche Rage for Order

Radiohead Amnesiac

Kid A

Ok Computer

Rage Against The Machine Rage Against The Machine

Renegades

The Battle of Los Angeles

Evil Empire

Rancid Out Come The Wolves...

Let's Go

Rancid

Life Won't Wait

Sevendust Sevendust

Sheryl Crow Sheryl Crow

Slaughter Stick it to Ya

Slayer Divine Intervention

Christ Illusion

Decade of Aggression

Diabolus in Musica

God Hates Us All

Haunting the Chapel

Hell Awaits

Live Undead

Reign in Blood

Seasons in the Abyss

Show No Mercy

Soundtrack to the Apocolypse

South of Heaven

Undisputed Attitude

Slow Roosevelt THROWAWAYYOURSTEREO

Social Distortion Social Distortion

Staind Break The Cycle

Stone Temple Pilots Tiny Music...

Core

Sugarland Twice the Speed of Life

Sum 41 All Killer No Filler

Sweet Give Us A Wink

The Beastie Boys Licensed To Ill

Hello Nasty

Thomas Newman American Beauty Original Motion Picture Score

Tim McGraw Greatest Hits

Transplants Haunted Cities

Tripping Daisy This Is Tripping Daisy

U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind

Best of U2 1980-1990

Keith Urban Be Here

Van Halen Van Halen II

Van Halen

Various Artists The Rolling Stone Magazine 500 Best Songs

Urban Cowboy Soundtrack

2001- A Space Odyssey Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Scream 2- Music From The Dimension Movie

Voivod Nothingface

Dimension Hatross

weezer weezer

The White Stripes Elephant

White Blood Cells

Yellowcard Ocean Avenue

How Do I Shut This Thing Down?

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 00:58:56 GMT

This is the funniest shit ever!

Dell Tech Support Moron - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

What's the deal with Google? I mean, who ARE these people searching for stuff?

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 13:43:28 GMT

Looks like we have a new leader in the weirdest search string to get to my blog:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=Well%2C+I%27m+22+years+old+and+I%27m+going+to+school+to+become+a+nurse.+I+would+really+love+it+if+I+could+get+some+weekend+modeling+gigs+so+I+can+make+some+extra+cash&btnG=Google+Search

"Well, I'm 22 years old and I'm going to school to become a nurse. I would really love it if I could get some weekend modeling gigs so I can make some extra cash"

Lick The Stamp, Luke

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 16:30:37 GMT

1) AI. Oh. My. God. I was so happy that Sanjaya wasn't even in the bottom three! Votefortheworst.com & Howard Stern are going to own American Idol. I clapped so hard that I popped a blood vessel in my finger...it hurts like hell and I have a black knot on my finger now, but it was worth it. If it wasn't for Sanjaya, I wouldn't be watching AI this year...too blah without him.

Dear God,

Please let me win the lottery so that I can buy millions of dollars worth of these fucking geeked out stamps.

In his name,

Chris

Sorry, This Only Happens To Me Once In A While

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 04:32:05 GMT

I had to watch a condensed (e.g. fast forward) version of AI, so my recap will be the same.

Fatboy: dude, give it up. You're half a key off from the song and your vibrato sounds like someone smacked your arm and the fat tidal wave is jiggling your larynx.

Sanjaya: WTF? He has to stay until the end of the show. He's like Michael Jackson, but slightly more effeminate. I was expecting to hear "I'm Just a Girl".

Haley: If her skirt were any shorter, it would have been a halter top. A+, kiddo, A+.

Skanky girl: Good song choice. Not too shabby.

Phil: Homeboy looks like a penis. I've been trying to think of who he reminds me of and it's that character on Mad TV that is supposed to be a little kid with really rosy cheeks who always says "Look what I can do!".

Blake: Not bad, but not very memorable.

Shrek: Dear god make her stop.

Jordan: Dear god I'm in love with a seventeen year old.

Does anyone else think that Gwynn looked like a tan vampire? Bitch is all monochromatic 'n' shit. Don't speak, Gwynn...don't speak.

BTW, the Stars game was fan-fucking-tastic. I'm a little hoarse (NAAAAYYYY) from all the screaming. Six to Zero? Take that Coyote pussy.

OMFG Part 2, The Wrath of Wet Fur

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 13:48:39 GMT

If you thought the last one was good, take a gander at this one:

http://www.google.com.sg/search?q=my+sister-in+law%27s+pussy+fur+was+w
et&hl=en&start=20&sa=N

Yep, that is "my sister-in law's pussy fur was wet"

I'm going to a Stars game tonight, but hopefully AI will be on the Tivo when I get home. I can't wait to see what Sanjaya does next! Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be girly, effeminate, and gay. Yay!

Why I ♥ The Internet

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 21:40:45 GMT

In addition to all the free porn and TV shows from The Pirate's Bay, you get to see cool shit like this (click the link for more info).

I'm hoping American Idol will once again become a fertile ground for my snarkiness, but it's just been a fucking desert. Where the fuck is crazy Paula?

Furry Balls Bouncing on Your Chin

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 18:45:57 GMT

A quick bit of errata to my last post: Destroying the innocence of BOTH of my kids.

Thursday morning, I'm having this insanely great sex dream about Laurie (again, how pathetic is it that I only have sex dreams about my wife? Fucking stupid monogomous subconsciousness) and I awake with a start as in my dream the kids come busting in the room complaining about the fact that the Tooth Fairy forgot to leave money. Again.

I hop out of bed and push my erection to the side so that I can actually see the alarm clock. It's 6:00am and I forgot to take Chloe's tooth and replace it with filthy lucre.

I sucessfully snag the toothbox, tread carefully into the kitchen to get rid of the tooth, and slide the box under Chloe's pillow. As my hands finally slip back out of the pillow, Chloe rolls over and says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Mother fucker. I lie quickly, "I'm just check to see if your head is still hot." Success!

Laurie calls me at 9am to say that Chloe told her that she knows that I'm the Tooth Fairy because she was awake the whole time and saw me take the tooth AND put the money in. She also clued Evan in as well before telling Laurie.

I'm thinking that Chloe's going to figure out the whole Santa thing before Evan. She's such a little fucking cynic.

Come Dumpster

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 23:45:26 GMT

Jumping Jewish Jesus it's been a whacked out week. Let me break this shit down for you, whitey. Ikea assembly, bleeding teeth, virii, insect infestations, swollen knees, fits of depression, and destroying the innocence of not one, but BOTH of my kids.

Day 1::The Wrath of Ikea::

Ikea rocks, but the downside of the cheap price, decent quality work of the Danes is the horribly tedious assembly that's required. There's a reason they can fit an entire loft bed into three boxes that aren't larger than 3 inches high....and it certainly isn't because they can use a shrink ray. I FINALLY finished getting all of Evan's furniture together.

Evan said he was sick that night, but since he ate his normal horse-sized portions, I thought he was faking. The 102 degree fever the next morning was a hint that maybe he wasn't.

My knee finally stops hurting (I could barely walk the previous Friday), but now Laurie's knee is killing her. Jesus, I miss vicodin.

Day 2::The Virii Strike Back::

Evan stays home from school in the first of FIVE days that he missed last week. Yes FIVE. How many did I miss? None. Laurie hogged all the stay at home days. Bitch. Laurie tells me that she's been going to the bathroom at work and home and crying every day and that she feels like she's spiraling out of control. I tell her to up her meds. Yes, I AM quite a nice guy!

Day 3::The Search for Nits::

Chloe keeps scratching her head saying that it's itchy. Laurie sifts through her hair like she's fucking Jane Goodall and discovers, yes indeed, our first case of lice. Can a mother fucker get a break? Nope. I go to Kroger to buy some RID stuff and end up having to wait five fucking minutes in line for the self-service checkout. I thought buying maxipads was embarrasing...our house looked like a fucking hazmat team went through it. All of the bedding, Chloe's stuffed animals (literally HUNDREDS), coats, etc was either washed or fumigated. Some kids in Chloe's class had them a few weeks ago and some kids in Laurie's class did too. I haven't felt so white trash since I lived in a double-wide in high school.

Day 4::Out of Catchy Titles

Chloe wakes up with a major headache and says that her neck hurts. HER temp is 102.7. Mother fucker. Laurie takes both kids to the doctor. Hurrah! It's just influenza!

Day 5::Laurie's still out with the kids (did I mention that she doesn't get paid for this time off?). Evan is still sick...he's not eating much at all. Maybe I need to get the flu so I will stop gorging like an anaconda.

That's all I can stomach writing for now.

Slick, Wet Slit

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 23:41:23 GMT

I would be uber happy if I could get rid of this fucking cold. I'm sick of being sick! Thank god I had a flu shot this year. There's some nasty shit going around Dallas right now.

American Idol wasn't as fun last night because I couldn't be as dirty with my usual commentary because my kids were watching it too. Damn kids always fucking up my fun.

That first guy (http://www.americanidol.com/contestants/season6/rudy_cardenas/) was horrible. That target shirt that he had on had to have been a homing device for copious amounts of hot, ropy fluids. I was SHOCKED when I pulled up homoboys, er homeboys profile and he says he has a WIFE?

That fat dude (http://www.americanidol.com/contestants/season6/chris_sligh/) makes me laugh because he looks like Adam Duritz if he weas severely allergic to bees and had been stung repeatedly over the past three years. He worked the crowd like it was a sausage and pepper hero, though, so you gots to give him some credit.

And JESUS Christ, this guy (http://www.americanidol.com/contestants/season6/aj_tabaldo/) makes the first guy look like mother fucking mastodon of masculinity. His profile says: "What are your personal goals in life? To have a successful music career, get married and have kids.". Dude, unless you can get pregnant by shooting a hot load into some guy's ass, you ain't having any kids.

This guy (http://www.americanidol.com/contestants/season6/blake_lewis/) was surprisingly good. I was expecting more beat box, Timberlake type bullshit that he did during the auditions, but he dropped some brit-pop sounding song that was really well done. He still reminds me of Mike Boogie from Big Brother.

And I can't help myself when Sanjaya comes on. It's like there is an "offensively ridiculous English to Indian-accent" translator in my ears. Racist? Possibly. Funny? You be fucking a right.

Paula is a PARROT.

Randy: "Dude, you were a bit pitchy. I don't know, dog. It was a little rough".
Paula: Hmmm (slurp). It was a little rough. Hmmm (slurp). I think you were a little pitchy, right?
Simon: Shut up, you drunken cunt. I'm only here because I lit-relly make a million dollars a show.
Paula: You make a million dollars a show, right Simon? Oh my, I really AM a drunken cunt!

Tonight is ladies night. I like them better (obviously because I'm a horny twit). God, I just can't wait until Paula loosens up and starts popping the pain pills again. It's going to be GOLD!

Have y'all seen the promos for The Black Donnellys from NBC? It's a new show on NBC. Man, it looks great. One of the guys is in that Masters of Horror episode that I talked about a few months ago that had the hottest chick in the world in it.

Warm, Thick, and Ropy

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 23:07:11 GMT

Ropy is such a gross word. What makes it even grosser is it's definition in the OED: 1. a. Forming or developing viscid, glutinous, or slimy threads; sticky and stringy. Something even more obscene? The fact that the printed version of the OED is $995! Christ on a cracker...no wonder the English language is declining faster than Shane Gibson's credibility.

Can I call something miscellaneous musings without actually having sucked cock? If so, then here are some miscellaeous musings. Shut up...handjobs don't count.

Anyone watch Heroes? (why do I ALWAYS type it "hereos" first?) I won't spoil it if you hadn't, but jesus the ending was fierce, bitch.

Is it pathetic that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE television? I just can't help it. And the thing is, that I love these shows so much that it's hard to cull any of them out. How can I go without seeing How I Met Your Mother, or The Class, or Heroes, or American Idol, or House, Law & Order SVU, or Lost, or The Office, or My Name is Earl, or CSI, or Battlestar Galactica? I. Can't. Fucking. Do. It.

I've got to split in like three minutes, so here are two things that you absolutely have to watch/listen to:

Watch: Jesus is Magic (movie) and The Sarah Silverman Project. Man, Sarah Silverman is offensively dirty and refreshing. How can you go wrong with chink jokes and jokes about AIDS (You DO know that God gives you AIDS, right?)

Listen: Kevin Smith's SModcast (http://quickstopentertainment.com/smodcast/). Even if you don't like his movies, this guy is a fucking funny dude. This is him and Scott Mosier (his friend and movie producer) just shooting the shit. Brilliant stuff.

Cob Gobbler

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 23:36:46 GMT

I don't really have anything to add today except for cob gobbler.

Happy VD.