Diary of a Fat Man: Health and wellness

Blech, Ugh,Psbbt...MMMMMM

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 00:00:37 GMT

My new doctor fucked me over and switched me from Vicodin to Ultram (tramadol). To top it off, it's one of those fucked up extended release jobs. I took one yesterday afternoon and it did nothing for me (recreationally or pain wise).

So today, I figured I'd go all hillbilly herion on it and chew it up.

Oh. My. God.

I have never tasted so vile a substance EVER. Not even when I was puking nothing but bile for three days last Christmas.

Although, I did catch a quick buzz (albeit a mild one) from it within about five minutes.

Vicodin is still my knight in shining armor. Maybe I'll get them to change my meds after my MRI tomorrow.

mmmm, opiates.

Nice Try, Fatso.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 16:13:53 GMT

Why is my life so difficult? Why can't I control this beast within myself? Why is Ben & Jerry's so fucking good that I'd trade my kids for another nibble?

I've reached the breaking point...the one in my jeans where if I eat anything else my pants will actually break. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror last week before getting in the shower and I just disgusted myself. I'm back up to my pre-pre-Weight Watchers weight (or I was as of last Sunday--I'm down about six pounds from that already), none of my clothes are fitting well (yes, even my XXL). I catch myself breathing hard doing ANYTHING. The last straw was when I was throwing a fuck onto the old wife and I had to struggle to kiss her during the act because my fucking buddha belly was getting in the way.

People always wonder how 500 or 800 pounders get that way. Don't they realize how fat they are? Can't they control themselves? I totally understand how it can happen. How did I let seventy mother fucking pounds (because that's how much over my lowest WW weight I was last week) attach itself to me in two years? One Panera Bread Company Cinnamon Crunch Bagel at a time, one Marie Callender's Chicken Potpie at a time, two delicious, mouthwatering hamburger patties at a time; that's how.

I've also realized how old I'm getting. I'm only ten or so years away from how old one of my coworker buddies was when he died from being overweight. I'm fifteen years away from how old my Dad was when he needed his first open heart surgery. I'm only twenty three years away from how old my Mom was when she died. That sounds like a long time, until I remembered that I've been out of high school for sixteen years not (and they fucking FLEW by).

My body is rebelling against me. My arm has been fucked up for 3-4 months and I've been on vicodin for three weeks (mmmm, vicodin). I have an appointment with a surgeon on the 14th to talk about surgery on my elbow. How'd I hurt it? Beats the fuck out of me...

So, I've started yet another diet, but it really isn't a diet, but it really is. Confused?

Last weekend, Laurie bought this book and I read it. What I liked about this book is that it explains the underlying physiological reasons as to why you overeat or crave certain foods and how to combat it. Unlike Dr. Phil (who I think is a total fucking tool), this guy is an ACTUAL Doctor! Medical school and everything! I've adopted the principals of the book and so far I'm doing pretty good. I've lasted longer on this than on anything else in the last two years. With the exception of a quasi-bad meal last night, I've been hitting pretty close to my food goals all week. I say quasi-bad because I split a bread pudding with Laurie (it was indescribably delicious). If you live in the Dallas area, you have to go to Fish City Grill. I don't know if it was because I was super hunger (we didn't eat until about 8:30), but that was probably the 2nd best seafood meal I've ever had (the first being a hole in the wall place in Mississippi this summer while driving to Florida).

My basal metabolic rate is about 3500 calories a day. This means if I do absolutely nothing different, my body uses 3500 calories a day just being Chris. Hey, it's a tough job, sweetie. If I want to lose weight, I need to keep my caloric intake lower than 3500 calories a day. How will I do that, you ask with baited breath? Let me show you, bitch.

I've set certain nutritional goals for myself using stuff I've read in the book and other crap on the web. Here's a breakdown of what I'm trying to hit:

Daily Calories: 1800-2000 (I'm trying to keep a mix of 30% Fat, 55% Carbs, 15% proteins which is the recommended ratios)

Fat: 60-66 grams per day (these should be GOOD fats like Omega-3 or other vegatable based fats--more detail below)

Carbs: 247-347 grams per day (good carbs, not sugars, processed carbs, etc--more detail below)

Protein: 69-241 grams per day (did you know semen is a good source of protein?)

Potassium: 3000-3500 mg per day

Calcium: 100-150% of the RDA

Vitamin C: 500-1000% of the RDA

Folate (& folic acid): 100-125% of the RDA

Vitamin E: 100-200% of the RDA

Laurie freaked when I told her how much fat I was supposed to eat, but that really is the right amount. So far, the ONLY night I hit that goal is when I ate that bread pudding last night. The majority of the fat I've been eating this week has come from nuts (hehehe, he said 'come from nuts'). I eat about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup of raw, mixed nuts a day (1/4 cup about 20 minutes before dinner--another 1/4 cup as a snack some days in the morning). I bought flaxseed oil, but I haven't used it on anything yet. So the goal is to get the bulk of your fat from omega 3s or flaxseed oil or olive oil or fish, etc. Those fats help clean your arteries, lower your cholesterol, and improve brain function.

With the carbs, the goal is to eat complex carbohydrates that are broken down by your body into sugar instead of eating sugars directly. So, pretty much nothing that has sugar, corn syrup, etc in the first three ingredients. I've stopped adding sugar to my oatmeal in the morning (I've changed to steel cut oats, which are frickin' great) and just put fruit in it. 100% whole wheat breads (which is trickier than it sounds--just because it says 100% wheat bread or Whole Wheat bread, doesn't mean it is 100% Whole Wheat). Lots of vegatables. Nothing with bleached flour. 100% whole wheat pasta, brown rice, etc. I can also eat a little dark chocolate a day, but I keep forgetting I've got it up in the pantry.

I'm pretty much giving up red meat (although it's only been a week), but we didn't eat much of that anyway. About the only red meat we ate was hamburger and we've been doing turkey burgers pretty much exclusively for the past couple of months after we found this bad ass recipe that has sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts (hehe, he said 'nuts' again) in the burgers. I've been eating a lot of boneless, skinless chicken. I've also gone back to making egg whites omelettes (which is actually just two egg whites and one whole egg--it's only 100 calories and 4 grams of fat for the whole thing) and I've switched to cage-free, grain feed brown eggs (uhm, the CHICKENS are cage free and feed grain, not the eggs). Not only are they better for you (and the chicken that laid them) they just taste better too.

For my veggies, I've also been trying to buy organic as much as possible. But I use the non-organic produce codes when I check out. Is that wrong? (of course, I'm kidding--but I do do that [hehe, he said 'doodoo'] with avocados)

I'm supposed to only drink two diet cokes a day, but come on...I've given up recreational drugs, drinking to excess, cigarettes, dipping Skoal, real tea, real Cokes, and inserting gerbils into my anus; I'm not cutting out the Coke Zeroes. I KNOW caffeine is bad for me. I KNOW that excess aspartame is converted to formaldehyde in your intestines. I don't give a fuck. I've cut down to about six a day, so that will have to be good enough.

I keep track of all this at Sparkpeople.com, which is a kick-ass site. You can track your food, nutrients, and exercise. There are thousands of recipes. It creates meal plans and shopping lists. There are tons of forums if you want to commiserate with other fat fucks out there. It makes this shit a lot easier. Here's my page, where you can see all my shiznit. What's with me and using mugshots for my internet profiles? Beats me, but the one over there is my second favorite. The first, of course, being the one here (who, for the sake of some of those who don't know, is Pee Wee Herman after he got arrested for bustin' out his playhouse in a movie theater).

I'm also trying to walk 30 minutes a day. Wednesday it was raining too much, so I rode an exercise bike for 27 minutes. Talk about brutal. I'm hoping that I can work back up to running those 2 miles every day, but I'm not close to getting there yet.

So wish me luck. I'm afraid that if I don't take action now, I'll probably be typing my blog from hell in about ten years.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Poisoning

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 19:47:02 GMT

Have y'all heard about this stuff? Jesus Christ, it's some scary shit. It's in pretty much EVERYTHING and you can't even tell. Freaky shit...

Food, Glorious Food

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 16:20:54 GMT

What some of you poor bastards who have only been reading this blog for the past few months know is that this blog was originally created for me to keep track of a diet I started May 5 of last year. It's evolved over the last year into the vulgar, fantasy laced missives you know and love because I pretty much scrapped the diet last fall. I've never gone completely back to my horrible eating ways, but close enough to it that I gained back almost twenty-five pounds of the fifty plus pounds that I lost.

That sucks.

Over the weekend, we ate really badly. Being in a swimsuit all day Saturday didn't do a great job of boosting up my ego either.

So, as of Monday, I'm back on the diet again. Yay me!

I think (hope) that things are going to be easier than my numerous false starts from last fall/winter. So far, it's been pretty easy sticking to good choices. My attitude seems to be as it was last year too. I went almost four months without cheating and I lost about fifty-five pounds.

My goal right now is to be down to 200 by the end of the year. According to Fitday, if I lose 2.77 pounds a week, I'll hit that goal (hmm, seems pretty ambitious).

So this week, I've been eating a lot of low-cal, high volume foods; lots of fruits and veggies, LOTS of sugar-free popsicles. I'm craving the good shit, but I've been able to keep my fat Dr. Jeckyl in check so far.

I've also wanted to go running for the past few days, but with the temps they way they are, I'd stroke out if I tried that. Maybe I'll go get a temporary membership to 24 Hour Fitness or something.

I'm off tomorrow, so there will probably not be a post. My weekend plans are as follows: mow the yard, go see Clerks II, maybe through something on the grill, masturbate vigorously and claim that it's for fitness purposes.

Donate

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 17:19:57 GMT

Marissa, one of the kind readers of this fine blog is participating in the 2006 Heel 'n' Wheel-a-Thon to help raise money for the Chrohn's and Colitis Foundation of Canada. She's been stuck in the hospital for a couple of months AND stuck in a fucking wheelchair for the past month. She won't be able to actually walk in the event, but is still trying to raise awareness and donations for the charity.

If you have a few spare bucks, please donate them here. I'm a cheap SOB, but even I was able to come up with a small donation. Give up your Starbucks for a week or your KY supply for a month and give to a worthy cause.

National Body Challenge 2006

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 16:49:17 GMT

Do you want a free 8 week membership to Bally's?

The Discovery Channel is participating in a fitness program called the National Body Challenge and has partnered with Bally's to give you an 8 week membership (for free!) and has a decent website that will help you plan meals, plan an exercise program, and keep track of your results.

It "officially" starts in a couple of weeks, but the site is live and you can start entering your weigh-ins and track your exercise activity now.

Go here to register.

He said protein

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 14:14:04 GMT

A protein-rich, low-fat diet aids weight loss, studies say

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2002493103_platkin14.html

A very logical article that summarizes a recent study reported in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition that discovered that those who eat a diet that consists of 30% protein, 50% carbs, and 20% fat spontaneously reduced their caloric intake by 450 calories per day. On average, they lost 11 pounds over 12 weeks. For the "whats" and "whys", see the article. I'm just a blogger, bitch, not a journalist.

Obesity in US

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 18:38:24 GMT

We're one fat nation! Hooray for our prosperity!

This article is based on data collected by state departments of health and the graphic below is from said article.

(graphic courtesy of NY Times)

I'm not a big fan of statistics (actually of the REPORTS that are generated by statistical sampling) in general because of how easily that data can be manipulated (and how misleading data can be by specious sampling in skewed populations).

However, in this case I think that the results are very misleading because of the definitions involved. The results below is the percentage of the population that is OBESE, not overweight. Obesity is defined as having a BMI of over 30. Right now, my BMI is 31.1, so by definition I am obese (and I'm looking forward to dropping down to just being "overweight" here in the next few weeks).

I think that if the purpose of this study is to shed light on the health of the nation, we should be looking at the percentage that is OVERWEIGHT as well.

I'm actually quite baffled that the author of the Times article didn't take the article a step further. I found the following data on the CDC website.

The numbers are fucking frightening! Basically, 65% of the population is overweight or obese.

It's getting worse too...what year did Super Sized combos come out again?

Percentage of Adults Who Are Obese,* by State

(* Body mass index greater than or equal to 30, or ~ 30 pounds overweight for 5'4" person. Source: CDC, Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System.)

If the samples aren't skewed too badly, in the 25 years the data above represents, the number of overweight individuals in the US has increase from 47% of the population to 65% of the population (remember also that our base population has increased about 32% over that time as well). Using data from the Census Bureau, we've added 85 MILLION overweight people to the buffet lines.

That's a lot of fries.

Low Carb Diets

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:28:15 GMT

I saw this on the Mayo Clinic Website:

Low-carb diets: An interview with a Mayo Clinic specialist

It's a pretty interesting read. I did the Atkin's Diet a couple of years ago and lost about 30lbs, but it was HORRIBLE. I finally got so tired of eating meat and cheese and of having that funky ketone taste in my mouth that I stopped. Of course, I gained it all back and then about 30 more.

One interesting quote from the article (emphasis is mine):

If you eat certain combinations of foods — for example high-fat, high-protein foods with carbohydrates — will you lose weight faster?

There's nothing special about certain foods or combinations of foods. A calorie is a calorie no matter when or how it's consumed.

I emphasized that section because a lot of people believe the bullshit that they shouldn't eat after a certain time at night. If you're eating the right stuff, it doesn't matter when you eat it. Eat one meal for 1,500 calories or 5 meals at 300 calories; 1,500 calories of peanut butter or 1,500 calories of green beans, you're weight will pretty much do the same thing.

That said, eating it all at once or on wasteful calories may not be the most EFFICIENT way for you to eat, but there won't be any drastic differences in weight loss/gains between the options.

Eat it all at breakfast and you're more prone to overindulge because your weak, starving ass finally breaks down and gives in to your Filet O' fish craving at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and you find yourself sitting in the McDonald's parking lot, stuffing a fish sandwich into your mouth, happy until you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror: covered in fish crumbs, tartar sauce smeared around your lips like Ronald McDonald bukakeed all over your face, you finally stuff the last bite into your heaving mouth and hide the wrappers under your seat so that no one will see them...

Skipping breakfast because you think you're saving calories? Until you eat your lunch, your body will burn the most readily available energy source it has--your muscles--and you'll probably still end up Super Sizing that Filet O' Fish combo, you dirty seafood whore. Not only are you weak minded, your now weak muscled because you've been EATING YOUR OWN MUSCLES. You dirty cannibal.

Moderation is the key. Eat smart.

uhhhh...huhuhuhuhuh...he said hump day

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 17:22:16 GMT

After taking a few days off due to feeling like crap (and because of the rain every night), I hit the park last night and tried to run two miles. I thought I was going to DIE>DIE>DIE. It was better than my last abortive attempt, but I couldn’t get past a half a mile before resorting to a walk. I was getting cramps in my chest and side and was having a hard time controlling my breathing. I jogged the first seven minutes (a little over ½ mile) and the last 5 minutes (about ½ mile) and walked the bulk of the rest. I DID try something new that I had been reading about in some fitness magazines (and no; it wasn’t shaving all my body hair). I sprinted as fast as I could for 30 seconds and then walked for about 3-5 minutes, sprinted for another 30 seconds and then walked, etc. I did three intervals of that. It was tough, but surprisingly easier than trying to jog for a longer period of time.

In theory, you get as much out of the sprints as you would with a longer session of jogging and walking. All I got out of it was weird looks from the other folks in the park. They must have thought I snatched someone’s radio since my earbuds popped out 10 seconds in and I was dragging them along behind me (fucking crappy Korean engineering).

I also tried ANOTHER tip I got from Men’s Fitness magazine (and no, not how apply shrink your 'nads by using the juice). Although using milk jugs full of water was NOT the weight the dude in the ‘zine was using, it worked for me. Basically, you take a dumbbell in each hand. Keep one of them parallel to the floor at shoulder height. Raise the other from your leg to the same position, lower it by about 25% of the way to the floor, raise it back up to shoulder height, and then lower it back to your leg. Repeat that cycle 9 more times and you have one set. Rest about 3 minutes and then switch arms. Supposedly, you can add 1+ inches to your deltoids (shoulders) in a month by doing this twice a week. It's harder than you think, even just using 8lbs (which is about how much a jug o' water weighs.

It's lunchtime now...I need to go feed the machine. Peace out, beeyotches.

Then why are cows so fat?

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 15:17:35 GMT

Dairy Helps Aid Weight Loss:

http://www.southbendtribune.com/stories/2005/08/03/living.20050803-sbt-MICH-D5-Little_Miss_Muffet_s.sto

Hmmm, maybe this is why WW wants you to eat two-three servings of milk per day? The gist of the article is that the calcium in dairy goods keeps the body from producing a hormone that makes the body retain calcium (and as a side effect, fat) and that dairy contains amino acids that help boost protein retention power of your muscles.

I’ve been doing a decent job of watching my points, but pretty lax in trying to keep a healthy balance of foods. Some days, I only end up having one or two servings of veggies and NO dairy at all. It’s hard enough (at times) just keeping track of points. I’ve been too lazy to try to incorporate a good balance of proteins, fats, dairy, veggies, fruits, etc. I’ve got to get on the ball. Maybe that will help out the lack of energy I’ve felt for the past couple of weeks, cuz all that meth I'm doing isn't!

I’m getting closer to hitting the 50lbs mark. Feels pretty damn good.

Tools and Links

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 18:33:44 GMT

Here are some tools/links that I've found helpful with trying to get healthy:

Health Discovery- Weight Watcher's Support Network with lots of cool articles, tips, forums, recipes, etc.

Dottie's Weight Loss Zone- Recipes, guides, etc.

Calorie King- Do you want to know how many calories are in one of those little creamer cups at McDonalds? This place has it. Awesome site to get the scoop on nutritional values for over 40,000 items.

Weight Watchers- You know what they do...

Point Calculator- I put together this Excel spreadsheet to calculate the point value of food so that I don't have to carry the slider with me to the office. Easy to use and accurate. It uses a patented WW formula that I found on a medical journal's website.

Point Tracker- I created this MS Publisher file so that I could have a handy little point tracker. You'll need to print it duplex. You can trim the top white space off with scissors after printing.

Lazy Bum

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 14:06:05 GMT

I feel like a lazy bum. I didn't get home until late last night after meeting someone out in yuppieville Mockingbird Station in Dallas to trade for an MP3 player.

By the time I got home, ate dinner, and finished messing with the new toy, it was 10pm. I feel like a schmuck. I'm trying to rationalize it by remembering that I've only taken 1 day off a little over a week, but my plan is to exercise six days a week. I guess I'll just work out on Sunday instead.

Guilt sucks, but I HAVE to stick to my plan. If I start slacking off, I'll start blowing off more and more and bloat myself back up as quickly as I've been taking it off.

Yoga? We don't need no stinkin' yoga.

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 14:30:15 GMT

Yesterday, I did another 1.5 mile run/walk. The ratio between walking and running increases in week 2 and it was a lot harder today. I'm not sure if it was the increase in the running part or taking a day off on Sunday, but I was beat when I got home and my back hurt.

This week, the regime is a "brisk" five minute walk, followed by 90 seconds of jogging, followed by 2 minutes of walking; rinse and repeat the jogging/walking for a total of 20 minutes. It had poured rain on the way home, so it had cooled down a bit by the time I left for my run, but by the time I was done, it was so humid that it was hard to breathe.

When I got home, Laurie took the kids over to her parent’s house because they were spending the night. I guess I got my second wind (or insanity kicked in), because I decided that I needed to do some more exercise. Comcast has a cool “On-Demand” feature that lets you watch shows, well, on demand. I decided to give yoga a shot and watched a Yoga to Improve your Back show on the Fitness Channel’s On-Demand channel.

Wow. I’m not too fond of the Yoga. Number one, it’s hard to get in the right position when you have to keep your head up a little in order to see the TV; Number two, I don’t think my legs were designed to be that flexible. Number three, the production values of the show were REALLY bad. It was some 40 year old broad (no, I’m not a misogynist—that word is about the only one that accurately describes her) on a no-budget set, with really crappy music (70’s porn soundtracks are Carnegie Hall material compared to this shite), and bad lighting. My back hurt more at the end of the session than it did before.

I think I’ll stick to cardio. Is Tae-Bo still around?

How is it that I'm not dead yet?

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 19:11:03 GMT

Over the weekend, I ran across some other pictures of myself before I started eating better and working out. I was SHOCKED at how bloated and pumpkin-like my face was. It’s unbelievable that I let myself go as much as I had. I still have a lot to lose, but sweet, merciful Christ I look a lot better than I did even three months ago.

Granted, I’ve only been doing this for about two months, but I think my mindset is right for this to be a lifelong change in my habits. I’ve never stuck with any other scheme this long, the next longest lasted about a month. I’m on the “poor man’s” version of Weight Watchers, which basically means that I’m following their program without paying them any more money.

I went to three meetings and realized that I was paying them $12 a week just to weigh me. They had given me the most valuable part of the program on day 1, the point system and how it works. The rest is just a bunch of superfluous shit designed to motivate the plebeians into sticking with the program. I can honestly say that their program works great, but the weekly hurrah sessions were not for me.

Making smart choices with what you eat and controlling the portion sizes (duh!), is the most important aspect, but I think the key is being diligent (in my case, militant) with what you are doing.

Just as a comparison, here’s a sample of how I used to eat, compared to how I normally eat now (caveat: I’m using a day that I didn’t use any of my “extra” points):

Typical Daily Eating in 2004 (fairly typical, but the B&J was a couple of times a week). The number is parenthesis is the WW Point Value of each:

Breakfast:

Sausage McGriddle w/ Egg (14)

Hash Browns (3)

XL Coke (6)

Lunch:

Bacon Ultimate Cheesburger (28)

XL Fries (12)

XL Coke (6)

Snacks:

3 20oz Cherry Cokes (16)

King-Sized Snickers (10)

Dinner

2 Pieces Garlic Toast (8)

Large Portion of Lasagna (16)

Late Night Snack:

1 pint Ben & Jerry’s Nutty Waffle Cone (31)

Total Points for the Day: 150

Daily Log from Saturday, July 9:

Breakfast:

2 Nutrigrain Waffles (3)

1 TB Maple Syrup (1)

1oz Turkey (1)

Lunch:

4oz Oven Cooked Potatoes (4)

1oz 2% Cheddar Cheese (2)

Snacks:

Banana (2)

3-4 Diet Cokes (mmm, Coke Zero!) (0)

Dinner

Veggie Burger (2)

High Fiber Bread (1)

Mayo/Sweet Pickles (1)

2oz Oven Potatoes (2)

No Fat/Sugar Free Pudding (1)

1 TB Low Fat Cool-Whip (0)

6 Vanilla Wafers (3)

Late Night Snack:

2 Sugar Free Banana Pop (1)

Total Points: 24

Basically, 1 point equals 50 calories. So, I’ve gone from about 7500 calories a day (yikes, I never realized how much it was until now—I had thought maybe 4000 or 4500 at most) to about 1200 a day (but Saturday was pretty low…usually I use about 30-35 points, or 1500-1750 calories). Fat Grams were over 270 on an average day back last year. I’m fucking shocked that I’m still alive. BTW, I did no exercise at all, either. No wonder my BP was so frickin high!

If you want to be truly and deeply frightened by the fucking crap we put into our bodies by eating fast food, hit the restaurant’s website before you go and check out the nutritional value sheet. It is very shocking at how easy it is to eat yourself to death in today’s environment.

I still eat a fast food burger every now and then, but I throttle back what I eat the rest of the day, or week if I get fries :) . The difference between a regular cheeseburger (7-10 points) and the big daddy cheeseburger (28) is huge. They both taste the same, you’re just leaving out a ton of fat and unnecessary calories. You'll also realize that the "healthy" choices they give you (like the salads or McDonald's new Fruit Salad) are just as bad as the other stuff on the menu. In my opinion, Wendy's has the best selection if you're looking for healthier stuff. I'll usually split a Jr. Cheeseburger with Chloe, get a small chili, and a baked potato. It's filling, and relatively healthy. The big bonus at my local Wendy's is that everyone is fluent in English, something that's hit or miss at Micky D's here.

Couple of Cool Sites

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 01:14:20 GMT

What's up, beeyotches. I went for another run/walk tonight. Laurie and I took the kids to the park. I round running regime that I'm going to try that (supposedly) will get me up to 3 miles (5 km for you metric-o-philes) in 9 weeks. I found it on a cool site about running. My legs were fucking tight and sore before we left, so I wasn't sure if I would be able to run, but after stretching out and walking that first five minutes, I felt good. The weather was decent (around 85 degrees) and I enjoyed running in the park.

Here's another cool site I found today that uses the Google Maps API to help you find out how far your route for running/walking is. I have to say, much easier than driving around in the old automobile. I'd like to hack something together using that API (which is pretty frickin sweet), but I don't know of anything worthwhile to map out yet. Maybe I'll put together a map of Kripy Kreme's or Ben & Jerry's here in Dallas :)

Walk Your Way to Happiness

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 16:23:36 GMT

My family and I went for a walk yesterday to try to blow off a little steam after getting a distressing letter from my mortgage company. They have this little thing that they like; it’s called getting paid. Since the layoff last year, my finances have been REALLY tight and I haven’t been able to pay my car or mortgage on a consistent basis even when blowing off the credit card companies. So basically, they want me to come up with over $7200 by the end of the month or they will start foreclosure proceedings. I’ve been trying to work on a payment arrangement with them, but they’re really hard to work with and have lost many faxes that I’ve sent at their request. Exercise is supposed to help you deal with stress, so I guess it was good that we were going to go walk anyway.

My kids wanted to ride their bikes, so I had to do a quick fix on Chloe’s training wheels and tighten the seat on Evan’s bike. They haven’t been able to ride for a few weeks because I kept forgetting to fix (thanks again to my procrastination gene). We headed out around 6:30, so I expected it to be really frickin hot, but since the sun was behind the enormous houses in the neighborhood (ones that dwarf my small house in comparison), it wasn’t bad at all considering that it usually feels like you’re stuck under Satan’s hot, sweaty balls most evenings here in Texas.

My legs were frickin killing me from the run the night before. Did you know that you have muscles that run along your shin bone? I hadn’t really noticed until yesterday when I was walking and it felt like I had team of trained monkeys ripping apart my shin with little grappling hooks.

Laurie, my wife, kept getting pissed at me because I was walking too fast for her. I’m about 6’2”, so I’m about a foot taller than her. I can’t help that my stride is longer than hers, so I had to keep slowing down to keep pace with her. Chloe’s bitching that her legs hurt and that it’s hard to pedal. Evan keeps stopping to wait for us. Whew…this really IS a great way to relieve stress!

We finally realize that the tires on Chloe’s bike are pretty much flat, so I end up carrying her bike for the last part of our walk. I guess I can consider that extra exercise.

I’ll probably head out again this evening if the weather holds up. The forecast calls for rain, but it’s easier to believe that Robert Blake didn’t whack his wife than it is to believe a weatherman in Dallas. My legs are still killing me, but if I take a day off of the exercise, I’m more likely to not keep at it. That’s the only way that I’ve been able to stick to the healthy eating habit is by being obnoxiously militant about it. I figure I need to do the same with the exercise regime.

Running on Empty

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 18:09:43 GMT

I ran my first mile since High School last night. Well, let me rephrase that…I mostly ran my first 1.25 miles last night. It was tough. It made me realize how out of shape I really am, but at the same time made me realize that I’m in better shape than I thought (if that contradiction doesn’t throw you off too much). I know that I’m out of shape and that this run would fucking kill me, but I did much better than I would have guessed that I would. I’m glad that I didn’t map out my route or have any definitive plans for my run before heading out, because I probably would have set my expectations too low.

Back in the olde days of college, I read a story in one of my Organizational Behavior classes about when typewriters and data entry devices first came into use in the business environment. The “experts” told the users that the best of them would only be able to do 100 keystrokes a minute (I have to pull arbitrary numbers out of my ass because I can’t remember the specifics) if they worked really, really efficiently. After several months, they checked the productivity and saw that the workers were averaging about 75 keystrokes a minute and the ones that were sustaining over the average were subject to high stress, anxiety, illness, etc. Cranking out these high numbers were making these worker bees sick as hell. Six months later, same result.

So now a new group of operators are given the same equipment and the same tasks, but not told anything about what their productivity is expected to be. After several months, they check their productivity and these new people are cranking out 400 keystrokes a minute (again, from my ass, but it was about 400% higher) with virtually no incidences of the stress that was affecting the losers putting out less than a fourth of work as their uber-productive newbees.

Goals are good, but setting them without a benchmark can lead to either disappointment if too high or self-defeat if too low.

Last night we took the kids to see Kicking and Screaming at the dollar movie house in a neighboring city…Tuesdays are $0.50 night (or fitty cent if you be down). I was already low on Points (Weight Watchers Points, that is to say) because I ate an extra yogurt at lunch. Movies suck without popcorn, so I ended up eating a small popcorn without butter. All things are better with butter, but it wasn’t so bad once you buried it in popcorn salt. Needless to say, I used all my frickin points (and then some) on that popcorn. Since I NEEDED and REQUIRED my nightly Whole Fruit Lime Bar, I had to do something to earn some extra points. I decided that I would jog around the neighborhood to pick up a few.

I haven’t run since High School and even then I didn’t do much running except in PE or during my short stint on the football team. I’m about the same weight I was then (now that I’m down about 50 lbs from my all-time high weight of about 310lbs) and I stopped smoking since then. But, I’ve aged about 14 years so I figure that offsets the lack of tar on my now baby-pink lungs. I threw on my shorts, laced up my Vans, grabbed a stopwatch and headed out the door.

Realization #1: It’s still fucking hot in Texas at 9:30 at night.

Realization #2: Vans are great if you want to still look like you can ride a skateboard, but REALLY are not a good choice for running.

Realization #3: It’s hard to breathe when you are jogging.

Realization #4: My legs hurt…I may weigh less, but now I’m still pushing 262 pounds of fat ass along at more than a shuffle.

Realization #5: Stay away from the light, Carole Ann

The first minute or two of jogging, I’m thinking that this isn’t so bad…I’m not even sweating yet. I get down about 10 houses and then it starts getting harder to breathe. My feet pound up and down on the uneven sidewalk and I find that it’s tough to time your breaths so that they fall between the bouncing of my gut. Now the sweat starts. I’m trying my best to take deep even breaths, but I’m having as much success as Scott Weiland had with rehab. I look down at my stopwatch: 1 minute down. Fuck me, I’m going to die.

I keep jogging until my chest feels like it’s going to collapse and my legs feel like going to pop. I jogged 4:25 according to the handy-dandy stopwatch swinging on my neck. I start walking at a pretty decent pace and decide that I will walk for two minutes to catch my breath and then run another four minutes. I pass a couple of teenagers playing out in the yards and say “How’s it going?” , which I think came out as “heeeh aaaassssp ussshhh”. They look at me like I’m going to kill them.

My two minute respite is over, so back to running. Again, the first minute or two are fine but by the time I hit the four minute mark, I’m the walking dead. I walk for another two minutes and then hit the bricks again for my last four minutes. I timed it pretty well, because I got to the steps of my house at about 3:55 of the last leg of my run. I’m drenched in sweat and wobbly, I smell like a just-fucked goat, and I’m breathing like M. Jackson after a pillow fight with the kids at Neverland. But I feel good on the inside, like I accomplished something.

Afterwards, I took the car out along my path to see how far I actually ran. My first jogging leg was 4/10 of a mile, which impressed the hell out of me. I was shocked that I actually made it that far. My total route was 1.25 miles, which using inexact math means that about 1 mile of that was done while jogging. I ran/walked for 16:20 seconds so using my inexact math again, I averaged about 36 miles per hour…just kidding—4.5 miles per hour, which, now that I look at it, is not all that impressive at all. But, it’s a start.