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8/12/2008 I'm Off Like a Dirty ShirtI've been trying to kill this blog for two years with my crappy posts, but it just won't die. I am, however, pretty certain I'm done posting over here. The site just doesn't work properly for me and I'm tired of looking at a screen that was designed by Picasso.
I've setup a new blog so that I can start fresh...funky fresh.
8/5/2008 Heh7/12/2006
Laurie and I are HORRIBLE parents. Monday, Evan lost one of his molars (tooth loss #13, if I remember correctly). He put it under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy and he drifted off into a peaceful slumber. Chloe was in one of her insomniac moods, so she was up for about another 30 minutes reading a book in her bed. After lunch yesterday, I think "Oh shit! I didn't do the Tooth Fairy thing." I call Laurie and ask if she remembered and she said no. She said that Evan woke up that morning and saw that the Tooth Fairy had forgotten to bring anything. She told him maybe she was on vacation or since he was sleeping in Chloe's room that night she didn't find it and that the TF would be back that night. It's bad enough that we forgot but the reason that I forgot makes the story a typical Chris story. I forgot because I was fucking my wife. Although I throw that term around pretty liberally, it's not used as a euphemism for sex AT ALL in my house. It's either "let's do it", "I want to be with you", blah blah blah. But there's no pretty term for what we were doing. We were engaged in hair-pulling, clavicle-biting, sweaty, noisy, deliciously painful, fucking. Laurie's head got slammed into the headboard; my fingers got smashed between the headboard and the wall, and Laurie literally pulled a muscle in her leg. Yay me! Anyway, I felt horrible about forgetting about the TF. Last night when he was going to bed, Evan could not find that frickin' tooth anywhere. We scoured the entire house and couldn't find it. He was again upset and thought he was going to get screwed out of his TF experience. Instead, I told him I would write the TF a note and he could put that under his pillow. Here's what I wrote:
It seemed to work because he was cool with it AND the TF hooked him up with a Fin during the night. More to come later today...I'm working on my first BB post! Last One Until the Next One"Dear god, give me the strength of a priest--but not one of those that joined the seminary to hide his homosexual feelings thinking that you'd give him the power to resist his urges but still finds himself staring at the other priests in the rectory and eventually gets his own parish and finds himself fantasizing about the altar boys who look so suave in their white robes and who finally breaks down and gets one alone in his house and gets him drunk on leftover communion wine and then manipulates the boy into giving him a furtive and sloppy blow job. " Another Retread4/19/2006Nyquil MunchiesI took the weekend off of the diet since it was Easter...after all, Jesus didn't die and miraculously rise again for me to not eat turkey and ham. I got back on Monday and did OK until last night, when I got the munchies when buzzing on Nyquil. All in all, I didn't binge too badly, but I did eat two turkey sandwiches (on low calorie bread with no condiments) and a big hunk of chocolate bunny. Damn you sweet, sexy bunnies.
Did anyone watch American Idol last night? I thought it was the best performances so far, except for that whore Kelly Pickler. "You took a load off my chest?" Usually she's saying "You put a load on my chest".
Elliott has to be the ugliest human to ever be a contestant on that show. He looks like the offspring of Charlie from Lost and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun. The little bastard can sing, though. Laurie said that he's cute in a weird way.
Paula's tits stole the show. I kept expecting them to spill out over the desk, roll up on stage, and wrap themselves around Ace's cock.
Speaking of Ace, WTF was up with that hairdo? He looked like he visited Kevin Federline's hairdresser. He and Pickler are by FAR the worst singers left in the bunch. I was telling Laurie that Ace looked like an asshole. I then had something pop into my head and I collapsed into a fit of hysterical giggles that I couldn't stop for a full minute. I finally calmed down enough and told Laurie what my epiphany was about Ace.
I said that he looked like the type of guy that would cum on a girl's face and not even offer her a warm, moist towel to clean herself up with.
She then looked at me with a look of disgust on her face and said "Where do you come up with this shit?"
I don't know, baby. It's a fucking gift I'm a funny guyI had planned posting something, but got lost in the brilliance of my early entries. It seems like I was really funny until 2006. This one I thought was really good:
12/20/2005
My Day with the FamilyHave you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to bash them in the heads with a Waterford Crystal vase, throw them in the bathtub, dismember them with the electric hedgeclippers, put them in a double layer of Hefty 50 gallon garbage bags, wrap the bags in chains, put them in the trunk of your SUV, drive 10 miles in the pitch black night to the lake, quietly row out to the middle of the lake, attach cinderblocks to the chains, drop them in the middle of the lake, quietly row back to the launch, drive 10 miles in the pitch black back to the house, clean up any residual mess with hydrogen peroxide and ammonia, wait six hours, call the police in a nervous tone and say that you your family was supposed to have been home HOURS ago but you haven't seen them?
Have you?
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Click on the archives to the left from early 2006 & before if you want to be entertained. 6/17/2008 Mexico SucksGreetings from the deadest border town EVER. I'm stuck in a Holiday Inn in Harlingen Texas. What's there to do here? Not a fucking thing. I'm so bored I don't even want to drink any of the tequila I bought in Mexico a few hours ago.
Since I was so close to the border, I thought I'd hop over, eat a great meal, and then do a little shopping. Little did I know that 1) my flight would be delayed over an hour; 2) that I'd get lost on the way to the hotel (another 30 extra minutes); 3) that the town I went to (Nuevo Progresso) was d-e-a-d on a Tuesday night. All of the shops closed by the time I finished dinner (started: 7:40, end: 8:00). My meal SUCKED. There was only one other table occupied and it was a group of obnoxious norte americanos. I could have had better food at Taco Bell.
The only plus was the cheapo stuff I bought from the one shop that was still open. I got Chloe a piggy bank and Evan a bullwhip (don't ask). I bought a liter of very high quality Tequila (Herradura Reposado) for $38 (they don't even sell this one in the US, but the comparable one they do runs about $58 for the same quantity). I'm tempted to crack it open and sample it, but I don't want that shit leaking in my bag when I go home.
I'm still alive (obviously). My work is going well. My travel is kind of sporadic. I will go 3 weeks without a trip and then have to go three different places in less than one week, all of them pretty much last minute.
Thursday, I'm off to the Panhandle. Then Laurie and I are taking the kids on a mini-vacation to San Antonio on Friday. We're going to hit Schlitterbahn (the best water park in the world) on Friday; we're going to go tubing on the Guadalupe River on Saturday; and then do the drive through safari on the way home Sunday. 5/2/2008 Why So Serious?As you can tell, my high falutin' plans of the post-o-rama have fallen by the wayside. Yes, I am still alive. Yes, in fact, I am prospering like the aging stripper who'll give you a little handy under the table with your lapdance to keep things competitive with the youngsters. There have been some ups and downs, my friends. Over the past four months I've (in no particular order--I've jumbled them to keep you on your toes--and some already covered):
You may or may not get your questioned answered in the near future. Bwahahaha. 2/24/2008 I'll Drink Your Milkshake.Holy crap, I'm tired.
I thought I'd have more time to update this pathetic blog, but I haven't. I've been working my big, fat ass off.
My new job is outstanding, but a lot of work. I've been in San Antonio for the past 12 days! I worked 105 hours this past week! We finished up "early" tonight and I was back at the hotel at 6pm after "only" 11 hours today.
Fuck me sideways. I haven't even been able to watch TV, although I did break down and buy lost from iTunes last week (and I may grab this one's tonight since the oscars kind of blow.
I'll be on my way home tomorrow and rubbing one out in my own house for the first time in almost two weeks. Yipee!
Thankfully, it hasn't been all chris-fist-fest. I had super-groovy fuck making last night, all right? America is great!
My brain is dead, but my bank account is fucking PHAT, beeyotch. Heelllloooo new air conditioner for the house!
Marissa: I've only watched ONE Big Brother so far. I will be catching up on TiVo this week!
I give you my word that I will try to update more. Sometime. Soon?
Must sleep. 1/4/2008 "Freshly Douched Pork Chop"This is my last day in my "old" office. I've been finished with my work for hours and I'm now just killing time.
This: http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000058.php made me shoot Diet Dr. Pepper from my nose. 12/21/2007 So this is Christmas??This fucking holiday has snuck up on us this year. Most of the time, Laurie and the kids have a week off before the holiday. Due to this new TX school year consolidation, it's trashed that whole thing. They don't get out until today, with Xmas being Monday. I'm done with all of MY shopping, hehe, seeing how I only bought for Laurie. We weren't supposed to buy anything for each other due to the trip (of which, pics can be seen here) (oh, and it was the schizzle for sizzle), but I bought her an Ipod Nano. The Nano isn't good enough for ME, however her miniscule music collection will be dwarfed by the 8 gig flash drive, natch.
Since I last graced you with my volumnious presence, I have been promoted to a new job that starts on 01/07/08. Since I'm off work all of next week, I basically just have three more work days until the new gig starts. I'll be moving to the downtown Dallas Regional Office doing facilities management (basically working with builders/vendors for new office construction, ordering equipment/phones/computers for other offices, etc). I'll be doing a lot of travel, so expect that I'll be posting more whilst out on the road (in between visits to homeclips.com and redtube.com, of course---electronic poon comes first--). And to top it off, it's a fairly substantial raise (right at $10K a year, beeyotch). W00T.
Well, I'm off to Chloe's Christmas party at school and then back to work. I'm going to happy hour tonight with a few co-workers for my goodbye celebration. Merry Christmas to all. 11/30/2007 Where Do We Go From Here Word up. How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine was suck ass, at best. Decent food, shitty company, shitty time. Most Thanksgivings are languid affairs that involve eating lethal amounts of food, dozing fitfully while the Cowboy's game is playing, then topping off the distended belly with even MORE food, then a race home to be the first one to get to the bathroom. This year, we spent a total of two hours over at my sister-in-law's house. She's now "dating" her high school sweetheart again, now that she's dropped over 150lbs and another 230lbs of dolt (my ex-brother in law). Things have been weird between her and everyone now that "she's always up Patrick's ass", as so eloquently put by my crazy as fuck mother in law. Right now, I'm just chilling at my desk sippin' on gin and juice (I'm laid back, but I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind). Actually it's not gin and juice, but gin and tonic with a splash of lime. Good shit. Nice and strong like a college fullback, but goes down easy like the slutty cheerleader that's fucking and sucking her way through the third string defensive lineup. I've spent the last week doing my civic duty as a juror (make sure you pronounce it correctly--jur-RAWR, like Puerto Rican tiger that is roaring). Five fucking days listening to testimony about a real estate deal. However, I've got to say it was pretty interesting and thankfully the time went by pretty quickly. But, I'm going to be SOOOO fucked when I get back to work. I haven't been to work since the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I'm going to have so much crap piled up that I'll need a plunger to make my way to my desk. I'm also getting really stoked about my upcoming extended weekend trip to Winter Park Colorado. We're splitting on 12/13 and coming back on the 17th, unfortunately we're driving. We're staying at the YMCA Snow Mountain Resort, which although it sounds like a dump from the name, is apparently a really nice, 5200 acre ranch. We're getting a kick ass deal (two nights at the lodge, five meals, and all the activities for only $160) and then we're adding another night outside of the family weekend special (another $100). We've never taken a winter vacation, so we're pretty excited. If things work out well, we may take a week (or more) next Christmas and get a cabin. I don't have much to add. I'm still a fat mother fucker (literally, but not my own). I'm now totally off the demon-bred meds that help me gain 50+ pounds, but I haven't made much effort get my weight down. Stupid food...why must you tempt me so? I'm considering relaunching my ill fated "punishment diet". Do you think tasing my balls would be a good deterrent to the succulent Spinach and Bacon soufflés at Panera? Mmmm, Panera. 11/9/2007 Four Times As Long As SexI've got twelve minutes to kill, so why not use them to write some incredible drivel?
I've been sick most of the week with either food poisoning or a virus or somesuch. Although it was pretty sweet spending my birthday in bed watching TV and catching up with Smodcasts on my new Ipod (yay birthdays!) (again, if you like what I write, this is a podcast you must listen to), I'd have rather been healthy enough to also have spent the day getting fucking smashed on whisky sours and Tom Collins.
Last weekend, Laurie threw me a surprise birthday party. I've known about the party for a few weeks, but played along as if I didn't. Even if I DIDN'T know, I would have figured it out that day. Hmmm, Nichole's new boyfriend inviting me to see a movie? Oh, a half-off margarita machine because Jaime (a friend who is a caterer) had a party fall through?
It rocked, however. I racked up on gift cards (both Best Buy and Barnes & Noble), got the Ipod that Nichole has owed me for building the website that got her a promotion at work. I got sensationally fucked up. TGWSNTMAW was coming to the party (damn snoopy wife got her number out of my cell phone), but she got lost on the way to my house. Probably a good thing too. I told her that if Laurie ever saw her, I'd never get to hang out with her EVER. Laurie asked me what she looks like and I was all "Ah, she's all right.", which she said meant that she was hot (um, yep).
Anyway, I got interrupted mid post by the security guard bitching about his wife. You only got half my attention (man, even more like sex).
Adios, putas.
11/1/2007 Gimme MoreTime sure flies when you're a miserable SOB, doesn't it? I can't believe it's been over a month since my last update. I guess I'm just out of shit to say. How many times can I write "I'm so fat. I can't stop eating. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Internet lesbian pussy?"
Apparently HUNDREDS of times, bitches. That's my bread and butter. (mmm, bread and butter)
I'll try my best to avoid bullet points, heavy indents, parenthetical asides (yeah, like that's going to happen), and other such nonesuch in this entry, but I'm a bit rusty (like a trombone, perhaps?) See, I told warned you about those dirty little parenthetical asides. They creep up on you like that sneaky little Vietnamese dude that lives next door to your crazy Uncle Chuck, you know, the uncle that has flashbacks whenever he goes to the mailbox and sees Pho Duc Nguyen through the picket fence that he jokingly calls the DMZ.
I can't even really remember the last time I had an update that filled you (that's the royal "you") in on what's going on in the flab of flesh otherwise known as "Chris". Plenty of TV posts; some quick drive-by type updates, but nothing substantial.
Christ, it's hard not busting out the bullet points for rest of this.
Over the past few months I've discovered that I'm in need of some serious fucking therapy. Or it's quite possible that how I've been feeling is a side affect of not blogging (which has been self-reflective and pretty therapeutic in the past). I just feel…blah. There are moments when I get excited about things (like the spur of the moment purchase of a strobe light & fog machine and constructing a fog chiller for my front porch the day before Halloween or my marathon reading sessions), but for the most part, I'm just coasting along through the day wishing I were either asleep or alone. Instead, I still go to sleep late, wake up early, and spend the day doing a job I'm bored with and then go home and spend time with my family. Sigh.
We've had a busy summer/autumn. A vacation to Florida in June, a couple of trips to LA (Louisiana, not LaLa Land), and camping. I've got lots of pics posted to Flickr, but haven't been motivated enough to spend time annotating them.
I've also been reading way too much lately, much to the dismay of my TiVO. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing papoo, paPOO, PAPOO (damn, aural humor is so tough to pull off with text).
That's all for now. I'll try to post more this weekend. 9/17/2007 An honest to goodness post? No TV (well, maybe a little)? STILL using the stupid numeric bullet points?Yup...ain't you lucky, bitches?
1) Let's get the TV shit out of the way. I wanted the new Bionic Woman on a sneak preview/on demand thing. Niiiccceee. The new Jamie Sommers is certainly as hot as the original. Add Katie Sackhoff to the mix (my delicious little Starbuck) and it's a boner-riffic good show. It's even science fiction-y, too. Kudos too the quick cameo by Boomer...fuck, when's Battlestar coming back? I'll have to make due with ALL MY OTHER FUCKING SHOWS STARTING THIS WEEK AND NEXT! YAY. YYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO WOOHOOWOOHOO. (oh, and make sure you watch Californication if you have Showtime--great show. Oh, and Weeds too)
2) Why, oh why, can't I stick to a diet for more than a short while? I'm literally eating myself to death. I had dropped 20 on my latest foray into a healthy eating habit, but I've been fucking off for a few weeks and I've probably gained back 15.
3) I've been pretty busy lately doing fuck knows what. I really can't tell you anything significant that I've done, but I'm always fucking busy. Right now, the current obsession is my new computer at home. I've been trying to get everything copied back over from the laptop to the new desktop and it's a pain. Let me also point out my extreme HATRED of stupid fucking Norton Anti-virus and Firewall which randomly locks down the entire fucking network connection from the PC for no good reason. Norton, my pal. How would YOU like to fuck ME in the ass? Heh, heh, heh...
4) Does anyone else think Amy Winehouse looks like the area between an anus and testicles?...of an unwashed, hirsute, homeless man? I've flicked more attractive things off of my forefinger.
5) Laurie and I took a quick impromptu trip to Shreveport last weekend to gamble at the casino (for like 45 minutes) and go drink with some of her friends. We got FUCKED UP. Majorly fucked up in Laurie's case. I haven't seen her drunk since we dated. One of her friends got smashed at the restaurant we started out at and fell on the dance floor while dancing with these two chicks that were sitting at the table next to us. Did I mention she didn't know those girls? And she just walked up and dragged them out to the dancefloor? It was pretty funny. Her evening ended shortly thereafter when they got stopped by the cops in the parking lot after she was seen puking out of the passenger side window. The cops let them go because her husband is a fireman. They were still going to meet us at the next bar, but she puked all over herself right after that. We spent the rest of the night migrating from shithole to the next...we even wound up in a dyke bar. And by dyke, I'm talking about lesbians who look EXACTLY like me. Down to the fucking goatee and everything. It's like the rug they were munching rubbed off on their chins.
6) What was up with Britney's VMA performance? The last time I saw such pitiful performance enthusiasm, I was looking down at the last chick I banged before getting married. Yowsa. Britney's been like watching a delicious cheescake decompose into a pile of festering, fetid garbage. So sad...so sad.
7) Things are doing pretty well at home with me and the family. Laurie and I had a BIG fucking to-do last month about me getting involved in business venture with my brother without consulting with her. It was probably the worst fight we've had. It didn't help that I fell into her stupid "What have I done like this..." trap and brought up when she was dragging her feet about returning to work when I was laid off. If it wasn't for the fact that that almost got me kicked out of the house, it would have been pretty funny.
8) The best thing about Laurie returning to work in the fall? She crashes out at 9:30 and I get to scan the web for celebrity gossip and amateur porn for a few hours uninterrupted. What more does a man need?
9) I was ALMOST leaving my house for the next year on a detail for work, but it didn't pan out. That would have been pretty weird and hard (much like your Uncle), but a huge career boosting opportunity. I'm somewhat relieved that it didn't work out, but I'm kind of pissed that I didn't get further along than everyone thought I was going to. What's wrong with me? Don't you love me, Daddy?
10) Jesus, I wish they would legalize marijuana. I would so be a total pothead if it were.
11) That'll do pig; that'll do. |
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